Life at 7000 ft

Where have I been?

2011-01-06T19:05:00.000-07:00

Damn! I am such a good writer.

It's really a shame it's been so long. I love to go back and read the old stuff. It's like going back in a time machine and reading my thoughts.

Updates:

I got a job! Way back in October. I work in an elementary school library as a library aide.

I got into grad school! I'm in Tucson right now taking a class.

Things are great. I'm having such a great time I'm not even missing my family as much as I thought I was going to. School is so much fun. I'm even glad there was a one week residency to start the program. If I hadn't come down here I wouldn't really feel like I was back in school. I'm on campus, meeting the professors, meeting the other people in my classes and walking around a quad and going to the bookstore. It's fun to have adult conversations with other people who love books and are interested in the same things that I am. There are some young kids, but most are 2nd career people who are my age or older. I didn't have too many preconceived notions on what this whole process was going to be like, but this is fun.

Missing for a Month?

2010-09-20T14:17:00.000-07:00

Holy Crap it's been a while.

I have been honestly busy. Not crazy busy, but just busy enough that I don't have time to kill on the internet.
I'm volunteering at the public library on Tues and Thurs, and now at the kids school library on Wednesdays.

It is so much fun I am amazed I didn't do this years ago. I probably would have been happier if I had.

I'm still waiting to hear back about graduate school. I guess I'll find out by Halloween, but even if they don't let me in this time I know I can kill it for the Feb application deadline now that I will have two seperate library contacts to write me letters of recommendation.

That's it really. I really don't feel the need to come here and complain anymore. Things are going so well, and I am happy and busy and having fun.

I cannot recommend enough that evreyone go out and see The Other Guys with Will Farrel and Mark Wahlberg. It was the funniest movie I've seen in a long time. Carl and I are still quoting lines to each other from the movie 3 days later.

I'm still reading a lot and watching my sugar. I'm eating it everyday, but not like I used to.

On one hand I don't like really being on medication, but on the other hand if I hadn't had a break down I don't think everything would be as clear as it is now for me. I don't know that I would have figured out what to do with my life. I don't think I would have started volunteering.

Everything happens for a reason.

I Need A New Drug

2010-08-23T13:28:00.000-07:00

It's been five months now that I have been medicated. I would like to think this is now my even keel attitude.
I'm a little hesitant to want to stay on drugs my entire life. I know I could. I'm just crazy enough to need full time medication,but there are certain things that I miss about being so emotional and anxiety ridden.

I miss music. It used to just get me right down to my volcanic core. A song could save me or condemn me in the middle of the day or at night as I fell to sleep. I could be carried away by almost any classical song, Dolly Parton, the Deftones, almost anything from the 80's or 90's and I miss that. I don't get that feeling under my skin anymore when I listen to music. Now music just feels like background. It no longer sets the tone of my day or can whip my attitude around in a heartbeat. It's probably good that it no longer does this to me, but still I miss all the emotion tied into music.

I do love the moods I have now when dealing with my children. They can drive me crazy and then a half hour later I'm laughing and joking with them as usual. I don't take their fueds and endless banter as personally. I now realize that they are just kids. They will not behave like adults no matter how much I want them to. I see the patterns in their behavior better and can shrug off the sugar induced and sleep deprived tantrums, knowing it's not really them at that moment, but just a sugar fiend or an overtired child. So overall that is an awesome improvment over myself from 6 months ago.

I'm still feeling generally numb as far as overwhelming emotions go. I would like to feel more, but know that I can't handle more. It's a horrible catch-22. I can either feel everything and be miserable, or just feel the edges of feelings and be a fully functional member of society. I have a clarity and a distance that I didn't have before. I used to feel like I was floundering and overwhelmed by everything, but now everything feels managable. I don't know that I would have figured out my desire to work with books as a librarian if I had stayed unmedicated. My mind was too muddled to figure it out. So that is an amazing outcome of taking medication.

My counting is under control and I don't overthink everything like I used to. I will never be footloose and talkative and outgoing, but at least now I can function like a regular introvert.

Overall the good things outweigh the negative, but I do miss the way I could write for 2 hours getting all the crap out of my head and onto paper. I miss being cranky and pissed off at everyone. I miss flipping off any bad driver who crossed my path. I miss crying while listening to music. I miss so many things, but I know I'm better off this way. It just takes some getting used to. Now that I don't remember as vividly how sick I really was back in March, it's easier for me to think that I wasn't really that bad. But I know this is just me transitioning from that person to a better person and missing her and still looking forward to this new better behaved person.

The Ipad as E-reader

2010-08-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading my first ever book in it's entirety on an e-reader.

I've been trying to do this ever since I bought my ipad. It's actually filled with books. I've got not only the E-books ap, but the Kindle ap and a couple of other no name apps with free classic books.

I chose to read Mansfield Park. It's the only Jane Austen book I haven't read and it seemed the quickest of all the classics I have downloaded.

Overall the reading went great. My only issue was not being able to constantly see how far along I am. There are no page numbers. If you tap the bottom of the screen it will give you some strange numbers and a percentage of completion, but no page numbers. This frustrated me to no end. I like to put the book mark in the book and see my progress. This is not totally possible with the Kindle ap. The Ibook ap does not have this problem. There are page numbers on every page. As for the ipad in general as an e-reader, the pages were easy to read, the lighting and font were great. The size of the pages was even similar to a real book. It was easier to read while eating vs. a real book and my hand didn't get cramped like it sometimes does when reading huge books like Atlas Shrugged or Anna Karenina.

The reason why I have never used to ipad as an e-reader is because I have to fight to get my turn with it. The kids love to play games on it. My husband surfs the Internet constantly with it and it seemed like whenever I had it in my lap to read, it would remind everyone else of what the wanted to do on the ipad. I always felt rushed to finish a chapter so that someone else could have a turn. No one ever bothers me when I have a real book in my hand. Short of actually buying another couple ipads or shelling out for a Kindle I don't think I will read too many books on the ipad. If was just my ipad, then sure I'd read more often, but with 3 kids and a husband who loves gadgets and web surfing I don't think I'll ever be able to convince them to let me use it as a book again.

I love my books. I love to see them arranged on my bookshelves. I love the colors and the shapes and the smell of the paper. I love the portability. I love not having to charge them up at the end of the day. I like not worrying about battery power. Sure it's convenient to be able to have a book wirelessly delivered, but I still have a hard time paying money for a computer file to read. If I'm going to pay money, then I want a book in my hand and not a file that could possibly be obsolete in a few years. I want a book that I can take and sell back to a book store and trade in for another book. That isn't an option yet with e-books.

I can say I've given it the old college try, but I am not a convert. I'm not saying I'll never read another e-book, but for a while at least physical books are still going to be what I love and what I read and collect.

Eat, Pray, Love vs. Hot Tub Time Machine

2010-08-16T12:29:00.000-07:00

I am very far from a movie critic, but I'm going to add my two cents on some movies I saw this weekend.

Hot Tub Time Machine: I loved this movie. It was silly, funny and visually entertaining. It made me laugh out loud, but it doesn't take much for me. I love John Cusack and I loved the ridiculousness of being able to travel back in time in a hot tub with a guide like Chevy Chase. It's a great movie.

Eat Pray Love: I loved this movie too. I'm not a huge Julia Roberts fan, but I thought she did well in this movie and Javier Bardem was awesome as usual. It was a beautiful movie. I love travel movies so this one was a no brainer for me to like. The only scene that really bothered me was when Liz was supposed to seem so crazy and out of control by eating pasta. I think that was just ridiculous. Maybe people in Hollywood don't know that most of us eat pasta all the time and it is not the least bit sinful. I myself eat it at least 2-3 times a week and (this is so crazy) I'm not fat. That was an insulting scene to me, but maybe I'm not like most people. The critics kind of slammed this movie, but I hate critics. They see so many movies they don't even know what is entertaining anymore. I loved it. Go see it.

Kick Ass: This movie rocked too. I'm not into all the violence so my eyes were covered frequently, but all it all it was really cool. The 11 year old as a bad-ass was awesome. The teenager as a wanna-be superhero was cool too. See this one too.

I''ll see pretty much anything that looks remotely entertaining. But I'm getting really pissed off reading critics reviews for movies. I was so excited to go see Dinner For Schmucks, but then I heard so many bad reviews that I have not seen it yet. Why would I listen to them. I know I'll love it. It has Paul Rudd and Steve Carell in it. How could it be bad? My version of bad is so much different than a critics. I didn't really like Inception. Critics loved it. The last bad movie I saw was Kristen Bell in When in Rome. That really sucked, but I still enjoyed the scenery and the clothes. I loved Date Night. It's hit and miss with every single person. That is why I have decided to never judge a movie by what a critic says. If it looks good to me I will see it.

Here I come Dinner for Schmucks!

To Be A Librarian

2010-08-13T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm working on my application to U of A and trying to get all the letters of recommendation, and essays and transcripts pulled together. It's hard. They should let you in just for completing all the myriad tasks they require for application. You almost need a personal secretary to get it done.

I'm only applying to one school now. U of A has strange start times for their Library and Information Science program. I apply by Sept 1, and then school would start Jan 3. If I can't make that deadline, or don't get in, I'll hopefully get into a volunteer program at the public library or at my kid's school library and get a better letter of recommendation from an actual librarian and apply again to U of A, the U of I, and then Syracuse University for a fall of 2011 start.

The idea is to either get in at the In-State-Tuition school, or apply to my Alma-mater, or at the Premiere Librarian school in NY. I'll have to take the GRE to apply for fall admission. That is a little daunting, but I'm pretty good at standardized tests.

I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed for U of A in January though.

I just can't imagine that someone won't let me in. I am the very picture of a librarian. Most of the time I wear my hair in a bun. My entire house is covered in books. I mean literally in every room (except the kitchen and bathrooms) I have multiple bookshelves. I have 4 cats. I never leave the house without a book and usually while in the house I am either reading a book or within an arm's reach of a book. I even know the shelves at Barnes and Noble better then the employees as I often help patrons find exactly the book they are looking for and sometimes even suggest a comparable substitute. I need to go to school to get this degree. I just need to be able to convince admissions people of that.

Would it be allowable to send in the admissions people photos of my bookshelves and links to this blog?

Home Sweet Home with Rice Crispies

2010-08-09T16:01:00.000-07:00

So we've been out of town for a while. First we were in Lake Las Vegas and then in San Diego. I'll be the first to admit I am not a great traveller, but I love to travel. I've already admitted my mad love for Rick Steves and anything else involving new strange different places, but I also have OCD which can make for a very difficult time when traveling.

I need my Rice Crispies, my chocolate milk with dinner, I need an Embassy Suites (preferably), and I need my HGTV to fall asleep to at night. If there is any interruption in my very detailed night time and day time rituals I get a little antsy and irritated. I can't handle not having my regular foods. I can't handle not having what I need when I need it.

So I can wish and hope and plan my European travels all I want, but when I think back to the two weeks I spent in France in 1993 all I can remember is how uncomfortable I was. I didn't think I would ever make it home. I lived on french bread and ice cream from street vendors. The hotels sucked and I hated the thought of all the weird creepy people in the streets who smelled. It was very traumatic in a way.

I'm torn. I would love to see the world, but I just don't know how well I could handle myself. I had a hard time at my sister's place last week. She was missing a few basic kitchen implements and a trash can in the bathroom and it was hurting my brain to think how she could live without those things. It just seemed unfathomable to me. It's weird little things like that that make my brain freak out.

Sure I keep it to myself and it makes it seem less strange, and yes it will be easier for me to travel when I'm older and not toting around small children, but for now I'll stick to planned vacations at Embassy Suites where I know the room layout and I know they have all the Rice Crispies I need right downstairs in the free breakfast buffet.

Adding to the Family

2010-08-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

I am now officially an aunt. I mean I've been an aunt, but not to a blood relative, just to my husband's half-brother's kids. It's not the same as being an aunt to your own sister's kid. It's like if something would happen to my sister and her husband (you know in a Charles Dickens kind of way) I would have to take the little orphan in to live with me. That is so cool.

I can now say, "My neice." Which I've never been able to say before. She can come spend her summers here when she's older to get out of the city and spend some time at her Auntie Em's country house. That's kind of catchy don't ya think? Auntie Em.

If only they had named her Dorothy.

Graduate School Personal Statement

2010-07-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

Oh the agony of trying to fit all the reasons why I want to be a librarian into only 750-1000 words.

There are so many stories to tell, so many books to quote, so many heart felt pleadings I want to include.

I'm not sure if my first attempt at graduate school application will work, but I almost want to put in somewhere that if they don't let me in on the first time around, I will apply each and every year 3 times until they see fit to see my enthusiasm for information and library science.

In reading almost all of the required textbooks for the first 4 classes I have learned that most applicants are just like me.... late to the game. Apparently being a librarian is not something people think of right off the bat after graduating from college. They meander around, raise a few kids up to kindergarten age and then figure out that what they love most is books. I should have that to my advantage in getting in.

Again I can't say how excited I am to have finally found what I want to be when I grow up. It seems so obvious after all those years of searching and checking out hundreds of library books and buying hundreds from Amazon that what I loved most was the search for the information the books that could lead me to a career and there all the time were the very books that I loved. There was the information that I craved. It was the book all along, not the writing, not the careers I was investigating, but the book itself.

Now I know I've had revelations like this in the past and thought I knew for sure what I was talking about when I found my new "career" ideas, but this sums it up perfectly........

"Books are the immortality of the race, the father and mother of most that is worth while cherishing in our hearts. To spread good books about, to sow them on fertile minds, to propagate understanding and a carefulness of life and beauty, isn't that high enough mission for a man?" From The Haunted Bookshop by Christopher Morley.

When does school start?

2010-07-23T14:01:00.000-07:00

I am plodding through the summer and we've still got 4 weeks until school starts and not much planned to keep the children entertained.

Every year I say I will pay for summer camp no matter what the cost, and every year here we are sitting around and watching SpongeBob while baking and making weird art projects.

Monsoon season has set it and it's too wet to play outside, not to mention the frequent lightning strikes starting fires left and right. It's a little too dangerous for children to be running around unattended.

I'm flagging on the blog posts. I'm just not feeling the writing right now. The children are sucking all the energy out of me. I miss the gym, I miss the big empty quietness of the house during the day that inspires me to write. I miss long leasurely hours at the book store and the library waiting to pick the kids up from school. I miss folding laundry at lunch time and looking at the mountain out the big picture window in the dining room while listening to whatever music I want a loud as I want.

4 Weeks! 4 Weeks! and hopefully my life will return to normal again.

Sugar and coyotes

2010-07-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

This is Sugar.

Yes I know we already have so many cats, but we are now officially down 2 from 5. You all know Rupert died of liver failure earlier this year, well a couple of weeks ago we lost another one.

I woke up in the middle of the night to what I thought was a cat fight. I got up went downstairs, turned on the floodlights and saw and heard nothing. The next day we were missing Sammy, one of the two kittens we took in from a friend last November. He wasn't small for an almost a year old cat, and he looked bigger because of his fluffy long hair, but not big enough to fight off a coyote.

I told the kids he must have run away and found a new family, but I know what I heard that night was a coyote running off with our cat. He must have put up a hell of a fight, but it didn't turn out good for him. We're upset, but he wasn't a favorite and obviously replaceable. I think we just have to know living here in the mountains that if you let your pets outside at night they can get eaten.

So anyway. I took the kids to the pound supposedly to look to see if someone had turned in Sammy and we fell in love with Sugar. I've never had an orange cat so he jumped out right away.

So far he's doing okay and helping to console Sammy's lonely brother PeeWee by fighting with him constantly.

Obviously nothing else spectacular is going on in our lives since I'm writing about my cats. I am a cat lady and always will be. If there is nothing else to talk about I can always gush about my animals. Entertaining? Not really? I know.

Feelin Fine

2010-07-12T14:22:00.000-07:00

Things are finally feeling setteled this week, even though it's only Monday.

I think I have figured things out. I more or less know what kind of a career I want for the rest of my life and I have a plan to get there. It's kind of exciting and it's kind of a relief.

I've written so many times about how hard it is to not be an architect after all the time I've invested to become one. That was a heavy weight on my shoulders. But now that I've decided that I want to work in a library the path seems laid out neatly in front of me.

It's a clear path with very definite white gravel to follow. It's not a muddy trail through the woods.

Loan Mod Results

2010-07-08T15:31:00.001-07:00

Final installment of my loan modification story.....

We got docs! The low down on the low payment is that it is interest only. It's not what I really wanted, but it's the best offer we could possibly get. Payments start at an amazing $1600 and then go up incrementally over the next 5 years from 3% interest up to 5% interest. After that we have no idea what our payment will be, but the interest rate will still be 5%, but then the principle will start to be added in with what remains, so payments could go huge after that. We are encouraged to pay more than the minimum interest only so that we are still paying down the principle. We will pay more, I just have to run the numbers and see what we want to add and what we can afford while things are still tight (me not working as an architect).

We are still waiting to see what CitiMortgage says. I'm still waiting on the "packet" to get things started. Apparently the packet can take 3 months to arrive. I'm not holding my breath.

Damn it's hot today. That never happens here, but I honestly think it's over 90 degrees.

Flagstaff Fourth of July Parade

2010-07-07T12:41:00.000-07:00

Dang it's been like a whole week.

It must be because Fourth of July is my absolute favorite holiday. There are no expectations, no family obligations, just pure summer fun with sunburns, parades, ice cream, corn on the cob, and grilled meat.
So I've been keeping to myself, too busy to come here and bitch and complain.

This year in the annual Flagstaff Fourth of July parade the stars where the firemen, the Hot Shots, as they are called around here. They dress in yellow shirts, carry axes and chain saws and wear either brown or Forest Service green pants. They got the standing ovation this year and it just sent shivers down my spine. Theses are no ordinary firemen. They are the guys who get sent into the forest to try and create fire breaks in the forest fires. They cart miles and miles of hose deep into the forest to dry and soak portions of the forest that are threatened. They had just finished putting out one of the biggest fires I can remember and some of them even had singed pants as they walked thru the street of downtown with their axes on their shoulders. It was amazing.
That is what the Fourth of July is for. It's when we all come together to celebrate what it means to be an American. There may be numerous religions and political agendas paraded too, but the ones that always get me, and everyone else, are the local heroes that we can all get behind and just feel like plain old Americans.... not Catholic or Jewish or gay or straight or Libertarian or Republican, but just members of the United States, the State of Arizona, and the City of Flagstaff.

2010-06-29T13:05:00.000-07:00

I know it's a cheap tactic, but it got your attention right?

I think I'm getting pretty serious about this whole going back to school thing. It seems entirely possible, affordable (thank to our loan mod), and exciting. I went so far today as to search Monster for what kinds of jobs are open to librarians. There are some really cool jobs out there. I was impressed. They all sounded like fun, except for the law and medical library jobs. There were even a few for architecture and interior design firms. Jackpot!

So on that note things seem to be looking up.

I would even go so far as to say that it has given me something to look forward to. I think a big part of my spring breakdown was me just being anxious over what to do with the rest of my life. It's a huge thing to go through school, 7 years of internship, 9 grueling exams, to be an architect and then just plain change my mind. It was altering. Being an architect is more than just a job. It really does define who you are and when I can't answer what I do for a living with something as impressive as, "I'm an architect", I think I lost a little bit of my identity. It sucks to not have a real job. I mean I enjoy working for our family businesses and I get paid a little for it, but it's not like it's my calling in life. I don't really get too excited about quarterly tax filings and payroll. It's fun, but it's not what I want to do forever.

I want to DO something myself. Sure I write and I have my rugs and my kids to keep me occupied, but I need more. Being a librarian seems like just the right thing to do. I would be surrounded by books or maps or drawings all day, putting them in to order. There is nothing boldly creative about it, but I can honestly say that I never get tired of books. I've gotten tired of writing, tired of my rugs, tired of drawing and most definitely tired of city building departments and contractors, but never tired of books.

More Loan Mod Tirade

2010-06-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

So I'm still trying to find out the terms of our loan mod that comes with a $1630 payment. No word back yet from my negotiator who lost my docs back in April.

I've been calling all over this morning trying to find out what's going on so that I can make the July 1 payment.

I sent off one last frantic e-mail to the negotiator while I was on hold with some asinine department deep in the bowels of Bank of America, asking him to please get back in touch with me regarding my documents.

This is the response that I got back,

"I had to redo the docs and there were some things missing so your payment won’t be due till 9/01/2010."

WTF to the millionth degree.

So now I'm freaking out because in the computer system at B of A is says I have a July payment due. I'm sure my negotiator will eventually update the computer system, but in the meantime what are the drones at B of A going to do after I've not paid for the last 4 months.

I'm also freaking out because the last time we had to go back and redo the docs my new modified payments went from $2700 to $1630 and I sure as hell don't want that fabulous $1600 payment to get away.

I put all of this back into a response to my negotiator's response of not having a payment until Sept, but we shall see if he responds.

Loan Mod and Career Update

2010-06-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I finally got a call from our new negotiator.
He claimed he sent me docs back at the end of April.
I was like WTF.... havent' you been getting my weekly e-mails asking what's going on, what's my new payment and when's it due?
He apologized profusely and said he would call be back once he found out what happened to my docs and could get new copies mailed to me.
He was about to hand up and I was like," Whoa, Whoa, hold on there a minute. While I've got you on the phone I need more info!"
He claimed that our new payment is indeed $1630.00!!!!!!!!!!! and due July 1.
I still don't know the math behind that and I won't until he sends me the freakin docs.
So I guess that's good news and I'm still waiting for a callback.

In other news.......

New possible career track: Library and Information Science.

I've been researching it at the library for the past couple of weeks and then this week I looked up some masters degree programs that can be taken online or with just a week or two of residency. It looks really cool and like something I would like. I would love to work at the public library or at a school library, but even more fun would be to work at an architecture library or for a large architecture firm taking care of all of their drawing and material libraries. That just gets me all a tingle. Of course those fancy architectural librarian jobs would not be located in Flagstaff. We would have to relocate, but in the meantime while the kids are in school I would love to work at NAU.

What's that going to cost?
I could go to my Alma mater, the University of Illinois, for full online degree and it would cost around $36K.
Or I could go to the University of Arizona in Tuscon for around $10K.

Hmmmm that's a tough one. I'll have to keep investigating.

Flagstaff Fires

2010-06-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

I know I'm slacking off this week. We are finally getting into the groove of swimming lessons and dance lessons and summer movies and it's sucking up most of my internet time. That and I really am trying to finish my rug in the next few weeks.

Also we've got these raging fires going on. This was the view Sunday afternoon from our back deck, the day the big fire started. It doesn't look quite so menacing today, but it is still burning. It has reached the inner basin of the mountain. That means that: our mountain used to be a volcano, then a huge part blew off, and there is a big hole in the middle called the inner basin, that is where the fire is now.

There are helicopters all over the place watching the fire, but it seems like they are just letting most of it burn. The area where it is now is very difficult to reach with vehicles, so they are fighting the fires on the front where it could threaten homes and letting it burn in the wilderness. Luckily the wind has died down and it is blowing all that smoke away from our house and sending it east towards the Painted Desert.

The kids were a little freaked out on Sunday and Monday. We tried to reassure them that there is nothing that we wouldn't be able to replace if our house burned down, we would have plenty of time to evacuate, our house is made of solid rock and cement, and fires are much easier to prepare for than hurricanes, tornadoes, or earthquakes.

Loan Modification Update

2010-06-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while.....

This isn't so much of an update as it is a tirade.

I'm not going to write a lot, but just say that I am currently on hold and waiting for someone anyone to tell me what is going on with my B of A loan mod. I'm getting so many different stories about what is taking so long, what payment is due when that it is driving me crazy.

Now I've been told that there is a hold up because I have not sent in my most recent paystubs and bank statements. Well who was going to tell me that I was supposed to send those in? A B of A fairy? I freaking call in every week and now I'm told there has been a hold since May?

Charles Kerry...... have some respect for those you are negotiating for. Call and contact and reassure and tell us what the fuck is going on.

Photos of Mom

2010-06-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

I often find that pictures of me are few and far between. I would love to have a few glossy photos of myself when I am looking my best, but as a mother that never seems to happen.

I am always the one taking the pictures or if and when my dear husband is taking them he seems to focus on the children or try and take weird artsy photos of me from WAY too close up. (See my photo on this page). Either that or he seems to get an odd angle of my ass or my boobs that make them look disproportionally large compared to the rest of my body (FYI my tits are in fact huge but my ass is not)

Everytime we have tried to have a "professional" photograph taken it looks horrible, although I'm not sure Sears or JCPenney counts as "professional".

I wonder how much it would cost to have a real photographer follow me around for a day or a week and take photos of me at my best. I need someone with a good eye and a knowledge of how to capture those awsome shots that catch the essence of who you are. I want someone to take pictures of me reading and baking and writing or laughing at something one of the kids has said or done. I just want a whole day of honest black and white photos of me as a mom. Sounds simple enough...... just a document of an ordinary summer day as a mom. The good the bad and the ugly.

The Excitement of June 15th

2010-06-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

1. Payroll tax deposit are due.

2. I will bake something today... probably some banana chocolate chip muffins or some blond brownies.

3. Dance class starts this afternoon for my 4 year old.

4. I need to call State Farm to use our $500 deductible to get our $1200 Land Rover windshield replaced.

5. I have yet to write my 1000 words for the day.

6. I have a large shipment coming from Amazon today including many beautiful picture books of New Orleans and the new Live at the Fillmore Chris Isaak CD.

7. If I have time after all of the above I will return to my studio and do another ring on my rug. Yes I spent several hours in there yesterday which is why I did not post to this my awesome blog.

I have noticed recently that both my blog posts and my Facebook status updates have suffered due to my intake of mind controlling drugs. My crazy seems to have slipped away and sometimes I miss it. I was flying high before on my uncontrollable mind and now I am regrettably significantly less crazy. While on one hand I am grateful, on the other hand I miss my violent mood swings and the strange places my mind used to wander. On this side of the fence life is slightly less interesting, but much more endurable.

My Birthday

2010-06-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

Today is my, big sigh, 35th birthday.

I am now officially in my mid-thirties, not my early-thirties and I don't like it one bit. I don't mind the age so much, but I don't particularly like the number. I would much rather by 36. It sounds so much cooler than 35.

I am contemplating what to do today. I really don't want to spend the day refereeing the children around the house, reading, doing laundry and applying band-aids. We need to get out and do something, but the most exciting thing I can think of involves shopping at Target, still not something I think is quite right for spending my 35th birthday.

Tonight we will go out to my favorite restaurant, have one of those delicious pizza-cookies with vanilla bean ice cream on top and my dear husband will present me with some carefully selected presents he chose from my Amazon shopping cart. That is a perfect way to spend the night, but what about the day?

Bowling, the movies, the park, a hike, the creek, Barnes and Noble? It's hard to step out of the box of habits and see what else this town has to offer. Maybe we will cruise on down to Sedona, throw some rocks in the creek, hit up a rock shop and call it a day. Maybe I'm making too big a deal of it and we should just stay home and go with the flow.

Birthdays can be so stressful just trying to decide what you really want to do with a day that is supposedly "yours".

New Orleans is calling my Name

2010-06-09T12:56:00.001-07:00

I have had this wicked obsession lately with New Orleans, Anne Rice, and specifically the Garden District.
I have never been to New Orleans, but it has been calling my name for a very long time. It's one of those southern cities that I dream about like Charleston and Savannah, places where there are so many beautiful houses I'm afraid I might pass out from the overwhelming beauty.

I called both Bank of America and Citi Mortgage this morning and there is still no news. If they still can't get their crap together and we still don't have to make mortgage payments for July 1, I think I'm going to have to buy a plane ticket to New Orleans and give in to my overwhelming desire to walk through the streets of the Garden District.

I almost feel as if I am in a city I don't belong in here in Flagstaff since we have nothing that could be called decent historical housing. We have one house, the Riordan Mansion, that while interesting for the area, is nothing like the houses I grew up in in Illinois. I have such a need to walk in and see and feel old houses, that I am purposely depriving myself of one of my one true loves by living in a city that prides itself on it's western heritage and abundance of log cabins and railroad depots.

I can pore over my Dover Victorian house plan books, and check out every architectural picture book at the library, but it's not the same as walking into a huge historical home with light fixtures, door hardware, and woodwork that smells of history and well-crafted housing. Oh it's giving me the shivers just thinking about it....metal push button light switches, butler pantries, back staircases, leaded glass windows, banisters and railing that seem to go on for miles, libraries, the front hall, hexagon tile floors, and built in dressers, creaking wooden floors, worn carpets, deep verandas and sun rooms and sleeping porches.

Oh I need to see an old house before I melt into a puddle on the floor.

Summertime

2010-06-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

It's hot! Finally!

We ran into town this morning and it was 94 degrees.

We came back home and at our house (800 feet higher than town) it was only 83.

Get this: the roofers are supposed to finish today. It's only been exactly 6 months to the day since the roof ripped off back in December. They are not the quickest roofers (all 2 of them) and the weather has not always cooperated with them, but still, damn, that is a long time for a new roof.

I've been able to wear a skirt for the past 5 days in a row and have not once needed my fleece to warm me up in the morning.

I know this post is boring and pointless, but it is warming up my typing fingers for writing later. You are my warm up audience so deal with it.

Life is pretty boring in general right now. Nothing is going on. We are still waiting for paperwork from both banks for the loan mods. It's summer and the kids are home. There is nothing much for me to do but to read and write and try and keep the kids somewhat occupied so that they don't kill each other or eat too much sugar. It's a boring life, but it's very easy and predictable. Knock on wood.

Vertigo

2010-06-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

No, not that kind of vertigo.

I had a really nasty bout of the real thing yesterday afternoon. My eyeballs were rolling and everything. I made the mistake of trying to lie down to stop it....... don't do it. Things roll even harder when you put your head down, or sideways, or anyway but straight up and down.

I'm hoping that this is just another nasty side effeact of my Citalopram... either that or I have a nasty ear infection or a brain tumor.

It sucked big time. If you've never experienced it, think about how you feel after you get off a violent roller coaster that does a lot of spinning. Usually you're fine after a few minutes, but vertigo goes from anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. Mine was the few hours variety yesterday complete with rolling eyeballs, nausea, cold sweats and heavy breathing. I haven't been that sick in a long time.

Luckily I passed out upright on the couch for about 45 minutes and woke up perfectly normal.

I was hoping to be able to cancel my med check dr. appointment this week, but after that episode yesterday I'll have to go and report my sick brain.

Damn this is difficult.

Fuck Yeah!

2010-06-03T10:42:00.000-07:00

It has recently come to my attention that my children are avid cursers. Last night at a neighborhood bonfire I was discussing with the other mothers and I was astonished to learn that my kids are the only ones who repeatedly use the words: shit, dammit, and on rare occasions, the f-word.

Now I'll be the first to admit I swear a lot, and obviously they have picked it up from me, but I blame their father entirely. After spending his entire childhood growing up in ghettos all over LA he picked up quite a colorful vocabulary.

Me, being the demure mid-western girl that I was, had never had a potty mouth till I started hanging out with him and his other potty mouthed friends.

I honestly don't care if my children curse. It doesn't bother me one bit. They keep it inside the house and know not to speak like that around other adults. As long as they know it is not appropriate language I think they understand how and when to use the words.

A great example of this was yesterday when a friend of my 10 year old stopped over unexpectedly and before inviting his friend up to his room my son said, "Wait just a minute I have to change the song I'm listening to." He was listening to RockStar by NERD which uses the f-word prolifically. He knows and he understands. I think that means that despite my lackadaisical parenting when it comes to swearing, he is still a good kid despite his colorful vocabulary.

After the Holiday

2010-06-01T12:18:00.000-07:00

We just spent another jam packed weekend in the OC. The beach, Hero's, Irvine Lake Park, a baby shower, the Peterson Auto Museum, and the Grove all in a day and a half. I'm exhausted and still catching up on sleep as are the children.

Today I'm a little frustrated. I know I really only write this blog for myself, but some days it's a little frustrating to see that I have only 3 regular readers, and I usually only have about 5-10 new site hits a week. I know it's better than it was a few years ago, but still sometimes it's a little disheartening. I think I'm interesting and I think more people would think so as well if only I knew how to get them here. I suck at advertising and I'm not much of a people person to just go out and shamelessly self-promote. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but sometimes I wish I had an audience.

Today is the day I start writing for reals. I'm going for 3000 words everyday except the weekends. If that works out to too much I'll drop it to 2500, but I'm going to shoot for the stars to begin with. If I can keep up with that I should have 120,000 words by the time school starts and then I can try and edit it into something publishable. Today I also start brushing up on my magazine/freelance skills. The goal is to submit something every 3 weeks.

If I'm not going to be an architect I've got to start doing something productive before I start to lose all my abilities to converse with other adults.

TMI

2010-05-27T11:24:00.000-07:00

Yes I know I post all the juicy details of my life here, but why? Why do I do it?

Sometimes I even ask myself that question. Who likes to talk about their mental illness? Who likes to talk about their financial status? Especially when it is in or near the toilet?

These are things that fascinate me. That's why I talk about them. If I could find other people who talk about the same things I do here, I would read that blog religiously. But not to many people want to share their dirty little secrets. And that is literally what these things are to some people.

Will I ever run for political office? Will I ever need to hide the skeletons in my closet? Probably not. So I don't see a reason to keep all this juicy info to myself.

If I can help one other person to realize that they are not alone then I'm doing some good here. A loan modification should not be embarrassing. It should be liberating. And watching me diagnose and then treat my mental illness is fascinating. We all have issues and if more of us talked about it maybe some of us wouldn't feel so alone.

I can look around in the afternoon at school pick-up and think that all the other mothers are perfect. They have good jobs, never feed their kids frozen food, read stories every night to their children, pay all their bills on time, get 8 hours of sleep a night, never fight with their husbands, and always volunteer for school activities, or I can realize that is not possible. They all have their issues too, they just keep them to themselves.

That's why I write here. It's supposed to be too much information.

Upping the Dosage

2010-05-26T12:24:00.000-07:00

So now I'm going from 10 mg of Citalopram to 20 mg a day.

If that doesn't work I will probably have to switch to a drug that is more specialized for OCD.

I say whatever works to get the job done, lets go for it. My doctor told me this could be a long process to find just the right drug and dosage to even everything out. She did also recommend going to see another therapist that specializes in OCD.

Arghhhh. I just want my mind back. It's like fighting myself inside my brain and it literally does drive you crazy. I've never felt more mentally ill.

It's like I've gotten back half of my brain and now it's a battle to the death for the other half.

Citalopram Update

2010-05-25T10:16:00.001-07:00

The last few days my head has been feeling fuzzy. I dont' like it at all. It's like that feeling you get behind your eyes when you eat too much sugar on an empty stomach. Everything is muddled and intense at the same time and there is a dull ache in your brain. Now that the Citalopram is in full effect I think I'm in the place where all my mental issues are supposed to be under control.

What I have noticed is that all the horrible anxious and out of control thoughts are gone. The drugs are working wonders at keeping my anxiety at bay.

The icky parts that are left seem to include the uncontrollable part of my OCD. My version of OCD was intimately tied to my anxiety. I developed the OCD to control my anxiety. I count things to distract my brain from thinking about things it doesn't like to think about. Now that my brain is not clouded by obsessive anxious thoughts there is less for it to do, so to compensate my OCD seems to be going on a counting frenzy. I can't seem to walk by anything without counting it. I can't chew without counting. I can't see a short line of text without wanting to count the letters. I count the shadows on the road as I drive. I count the power lines and the mile markers as I pass them.

I can't remember if I always did this or if it is just more noticeable now and it is bothering me. It is literally driving me crazy. I am trying to stop it and I think that might be what is giving me the headaches. I am wrestling with my brain to stop the OCD that was a coping mechanism and is now just a horrible habit.

Luckily I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning to try and figure this out with a medical professional. Hopefully she will have a different drug I can try, or something else that will still my mind long enough that the counting habit goes away. She did tell me that this particular drug does not work for everyone. Maybe it's best for depression or anxiety, but not for OCD. I just hope she doesn't tell me to continue to see a psychiatrist. Those guys are freaking expensive at 1-2 sessions a week at $80 a pop.

In other news related to my Citalopram.... my previous issue regarding a more personal issue worked itself out wonderfully this past weekend. I can check that side effect off my list.

Do I love Bank of America?

2010-05-24T13:53:00.000-07:00

Internet is fixed. It must have been one of our four pesky cats that loosed a cable. It only took me an hour to figure it out.

Massive WTF to Bank of America today. I was making my regular Monday phone calls to get my updates for the week from Citi and B of A. I called Jowanna Hill's number first and someone else answered the phone. She said she has Jowanna's old desk and that she couldnt' tell me anything and gave my the regular customer service number to call. After about 20 minutes on hold I was told some very strange information. My new payment isn't going to be $2740/month it's going to be $1630/month. What the hell. That math just doesn't make sense and I'm pretty good at math. I asked the guy to double check a bunch of times but he kept telling me the same thing over and over again. The interest rate is 3%, yada, yada ,yada, all the terms, but I insisted that 3% of my $534,000 loan balance does not work out to $1630 including $294 in taxes and insurance. I have no idea what kind of math they are doing, but I'll wait until I see that paperwork to believe it.

I sent an e-mail to my new negotiator to see if he could clarify in the meantime.

Citi still has their heads up their asses. Every time I call they say that no one has requested that the packet get sent out to me, but now since I called they will send it out now. Ummm, that is what I was told last week. There is some crazy crap going on over there. I thought B of A was bad, but CitiMortgage has absolutely no clue. It all seems to be double talk. I've called every week for the last month and still no one has sent me the mysterious packet that will make my loan modification go through. It almost seems as if they are stalling. I am now officially supposed to get the packet 7-10 business days after may 31st. Yeah like that makes sense.

This is weird too. Every time I call in to the Mortgage Assistance department, while I am still on hold waiting to talk to someone, an agent from the collection department calls me. This has happened for the past three weeks.

Needless to say so far I love Bank of America especially if my new payment is indeed $1630. That is insane.

No Internet Connection and my Ipad won't let me write in the text area. I hope to have this issue fixed so that I can blog today!

2010-05-24T12:23:00.000-07:00

San Francisco Peaks and Calm Mind

2010-05-21T09:38:00.001-07:00

I did it. There is a new more season appropriate photo in my header. I will admit though that this is from last summer. There is still a little bit of snow on the tippy top and I didn't want it in my new spring photo. So there you go. Yeah!

I thought I'd write a little bit more about my new clear headed outlook on the world.

If you go back and read through some of my old stuff you will notice that my mind is muddled. I knew it was muddled and it bothered me tremendously. I could not decide what to do with the rest of my life. I have my rugs, my architecture license, my fabulous blogs and that nagging thing in the back of my head that has been telling me to write for the past few years, not to mention the other crazy notions on being a real estate agent, a librarian, or a mail carrier. What to do has been a central problem in my mind for a while. I think it is part of what made me go over the edge a couple of months ago. It was too much for me to decide.

Now that my head is more of a calm lake than a raging river I can see things much clearer. It has become painfully obvious that I need to write and only write as my main vocation. I would not die happily if I did not get out what I want to say. I have stories to tell and ideas to disseminate. If there is one thing I would want to look back on my life and say that I did it would be to publish a book. Books are my life (besides my family). There isn't a day that goes by when I don't pick up at least 5. They are my passion. And let's talk about how excited I am driving back from dropping the kids off at school or coming back from the gym when I sit in my car and dream about what I'm going to come back here and write about. It's my favorite thing to do all day. I've written lists of things that I want to write about here on this blog and on my other writing blog. It's like all the extra stuff has been wiped clear of my head and I can see the things that matter most to me. I'm not focusing on what will make me money or what will be easiest. I am focusing on what will make me the most satisfied mentally, on the thing that will challenge me the most, and what will make me feel like I have done something with my life. It's writing. It's reading and I can't fight it off any longer.

The drugs work!

2nd Loan Modification Update

2010-05-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

So technically we have modified our first mortgage. I still have yet to hear from Jowanna at B of A. I have nothing to make a June payment (no pay stub or paperwork) so I'm just gonna wait that one out and see if we get something to make the July payment. The last time I spoke with someone over there they said that my first trial payment wasn't due until July 1. I like that plan so we'll stick to that unless I hear from Jowanna.

Now the 2nd mortgage is with CitiMortgage. I did not make the April or May payments and they have been hounding me something awful to send in a payment. I'm taking all the collection calls and usually stumping the reps with my double talk, vast knowledge of the banking system and the home loan modification system. The collection people will try and tell you that if you don't make your payments it will ruin your chances for a modification.... Lie. They will tell you that a loan modification is not an excuse to stop making payments......Lie. They will tell you that a loan modification will not take your back past due payments and roll them into a new loan......Lie. Their sole purpose is to get you to send in a payment RIGHT NOW. Ignore them. It's a second. They can't touch you and with the drop in home values most second mortgages are now unsecured loans. There is no equity or anything to back up the smaller 2nd loans. They will lose all of their money and any chance to get it back if they try and foreclose on you in a non-recourse state. Those pesky little collection agents don't know any of that crap. They will try and talk you in circles. One of them even asked my if my family and I had made plans to move yet? They've got balls, but no cock. Don't let them rattle you.

So in addition to dealing with collections department at Citi I have also been talking to the Home Retention Department. I've been getting the run around over there since March. They were telling me that they could do nothing until I had finished my loan mod with B of A. I called as soon as I got the modified numbers from Jowanna and gave all the info to Citi. When I called back a week later to check on my status they had no record of me calling in the week before. I gave all the new info again and was finally told that with the new numbers from B of A I did in fact qualify for a modification from Citi and that they would send me a packet in the mail. I'm still waiting for that packet. I have sent them nothing more than the application, no bank statements, no pay stubs, no tax returns.

I called again on Tuesday to get an update and find out where my 'packet' was. I was told it is still in transit but did I want to know my new payment amount!!!! What? Apparently the system over at Citi is a little different than at B of A, either that or the 2nd does truly just copy what ever the first mortgage holder does.

So Drumroll Please........

The final numbers are 1st Mortgage:     $2440.40
                                2nd Mortgage:      $466.29
                      Taxes and Insurance:       $297.00

For a grand total of $3203.69

Previous numbers were $3803.73, $855.22, plus taxes and insurance for a total of $4955.95

That is a savings of over $1700 a month in interest. Over the life time of the loans we will save over $300,000 in payments.

It is totally worth all the headaches and collection calls and waiting and time. Do it yourself before it's too late.

I got Nothing for you

2010-05-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

I was going to write a post about our upcoming anniversary this weekend, but it reading it over it sucked ass.

So I deleted it and this is what you're getting instead..... nothing.

I'm not feeling it today. Nothing is tickling my brain that needs to get out.

I may head over to my other blog and go on a tirade about trying to write for magazines. I must find a way to make money sometime soon and that seems like a good way to use my dope writing skillz and my vast architectural knowledge together to make a little ca$h.

Ipad vs Kindle vs Sony Reader

2010-05-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

While in Vegas this past weekend I was able to check out a lot of new technological advances in the e-reader realm.

Let me start by saying that I am a bibliophile. I love, love, love my books. I love the way they look on my shelves. I love the way they smell. I love the feel of all the different kinds of paper between my fingertips. I may not ever be a true convert to the e-reader technology, but since it is book related and I'm seeing it everywhere it was definitely a technology that I wanted to try out.

My experience is small, but I have a definite opinion after trying out some of the options.

The Sony Reader sucks. It's tiny. When the pages 'turn', (a better word would be 'change') it hurts my eyes. The screen morphs from grey with black text to black with gray text and then back to regular grey with black text. The screen is so tiny too that you have to change pages like every 20 seconds which means that the constant color change morphing of pages gives me a headache. I couldn't get used to it. Also the button for turning pages is on the side and I didn't like it at all. I just couldn't picture myself cozying up to this tiny metal piece of equipment.

I could say almost the same thing about the Kindle, but it is a little bit more technologically advanced and a little bit more elegant. The downloading capabilities are cool. I love my Amazon just as much as I love my books. The vast majority of my books are delivered to my door by Amazon so it would be an easy step to just let Amazon deliver all my books wirelessly to my Kindle............ except that........

I have an Ipad and it kicks ass. The main draw back of the other e-readers is the limited Internet usage. If I am going to carry something around all day it might as well be able to do other things beside just look at books, otherwise I would just carry around a book. They don't have Internet connections either.

But the Ipad is a tiny amazing thing that multitasks as much as I do. The coolest thing about the Ipad and the IBooks is that the books actually look like books. The pages are a familiar sight. It's not gray. It's white with black lettering. It's bigger than the other e-readers and the page sizes match an actual book. The coolest thing about the Ipad book reader is that you have the illusion that you are actually turning a page. You use your finger and swipe it across the page and the page turns just like in a real book, or a very accurate simulation. There is no strange screen jump, just as smooth transition from page to page. Not only can you download apps for copyright free books, you can get books from Apple and download the Kindle app for free. This ties my into my two favorite places on earth..... the Apple store and Amazon. It's downright amazing the crap I can carry around on my Ipad. Why would I ever get something that can only read books like those other e-readers? On my Ipad I can bowl, play air hockey, read Oliver Twist or The Lost Symbol, organize my day, check my e-mail and find out the latest Celebrity news.

Now I've had my Ipad for about a month. I'm not using it to it's full potential. I've downloaded a few books and actually bought a few with the Kindle app. Reading the books is another story all together. It still feels awkward to me. It's not the same as a book. I like to stop in the middle of reading, put in my bookmark, close the book and see how far I've come. This is not possible with an e-reader. There isn't as much of a sense of progress thru a thick text. It's more like a never ending cascade of pages. I'm going to keep trying and see if it grows on me. You really can't beat the convenience of the Ipad, but it is a transition from real books. I will never be able to give up the thrill I get from waiting for the UPS man to drop my books off at the front door, cracking open the box, and fliping thru a new book. No e-reader can substitute that thrill. The books are instant, but sometimes the actual books are worth the wait of 2 day shipping

Bellagio Fountains

2010-05-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, so there wasn't too much debauchery this weekend in Vegas. The above photos show 2 of my favorite places..... the Bellagio Fountains and the atrium at the new Palazzo hotel.

If I could spend the whole evening in a deck chair on the promenade around the Bellagion fountains I would be one happy camper. Unfortunately I would probably gets trampled by the masses of people carrying 2 foot long drinks along Las Vegas Boulevard. If you've never been to Vegas, it's not like it is in Oceans 11, it is never deserted in front of the fountains. You never have enough elbow room and you always seem to end up next to a drunk girl with her tits hanging out, or some stinky old people. Brad Pitt and George Clooney are never there. But even with the throngs of people it is still my favorite place in Vegas. If you're lucky they play a cool song like something from Frank Sinatra or Elvis, but no, not this time for us. It was a crappy show tune. I can't even remember the name of the song, but I was so disappointed. If I wanted show tunes I'd go to New York. This is Vegas. As Carl said, "I wonder if they ever do any Black Sabbath?"

So we're back. I only bought 1 pair of shoes and nothing else. I was impressed. I spend some time at Bauman's rare books, ogled the Versace and Gucci, and Kate Spade windows, and wished for the day that I could drop $750 on a pair of shoes or $4000 on a bag.

Now back to real life. This is my last full day to myself until school starts again next fall. I need to find a way to get the best out of it, so I probably shouldn't be sitting in my office all day.

Vegas Baby, Vegas

2010-05-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

So yes, again we are travelling to Las Vegas this weekend. For people who don't gamble we sure go there a lot. It's fun. There's a lot to look at. I love the faux architecture. I love to people watch. I love the food. I love the window shopping. I love to get dressed up and walk around. It's kind of like an old school promenade. It's like the Bath of the 21st century.

I'm going to eat all kinds of sugar but try and not have any soda. It's all about cakes and pies and donuts this weekend with maybe a little ice cream thrown in as well. Thank god for Spanxs!

I will try and post a blog post tomorrow, but hopefully we will leave early and I'll run out of time. That will put me one blog post behind my original goal, but I think I'm going to keep blogging daily. I've always got something to whine about and I like to daily writing. I need to get in that habit.

I am however going to go back to writing on my second blog again, Reading and Writing at 7000'. I gave it up for a while, but rather than bore some of you with my extensive reading lists, and mindless literary tirades I will post them over there instead of here. Get the link from my profile page because I'm too lazy to post it in here.

Till tomorrow, or till Monday. I'll bring back some pictures of all our Vegas debauchery.

I won't do that again

2010-05-12T11:48:00.000-07:00

That just seriously drained my brain. I am not political. I would much rather argue about whether Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are really dating then talk about anything that is on the real news.

I'm just not that person. That must have just been a brain fart. I will not do that again. That just seems like it will set me up to get a lot of crazies posting back about how I don't know shit about the situation. Well they would be right. I have an opinion, but it is no more right or wrong than anyone else's opinion, but I'm not going to argue about it. What is your opinion is yours, and mine is mine. I won't try and change yours and I'll keep mine. End of story.

Whew. Now tomorrow I'll get back to posting about my rad trip to Vegas this weekend to celebrate my being a mother for ten years to a cool little kid.

My Take on Arizona Immigration Issues

2010-05-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

What to write about today? I've been very good about posting every day, but today I've got nothing that is itching my brain that needs to get out.

I could write about the Arizona Immigration thing, but I'm not that political, I don't know all the facts, and I don't see what is bad about taking people who are here illegally out of the country. We're not shipping them off to concentration camps to kill them as some people are comparing the 'asking for papers' to Hitler. We are simply sending them back to their country. They can come back, just come back legally. You can't really compare it to the pilgrims and indians either. This isn't the sixteenth century. It's the twenty-first. Big difference. We all have our own opinions about what is right and wrong. I personally don't mind if there are people here illegally as long as they aren't causing trouble. But I would think that the people coming here illegally, since they are doing it illegally, might have no issues about doing other things that are illegal as well. Just my opinion. I also think most cops should be too busy to ask every brown person for their papers.

We are pretty isolated from these problems up here in Flagstaff, but as I understand it, in Phoenix and Tuscon, there are lot of issues with school over-crowding and second language programs that are made worse by an influx of illegals. Whether the solution is sending them all back to Mexico, I don't know.

I think I understand the bigger issue is about our rights as Americans and getting asked to prove that we are really Americans, but isn't is the same as when you get pulled over and get asked for your driver's license and proof of insurance. Cops are allowed to ask questions. That is kind of their job, and then they enforce the law. This just seems like the same thing to me.

Why does it smell like Band-Aids in my office?

2010-05-11T13:33:00.000-07:00

I"m still meaning to get a new photo for the head of this blog, but damn those 40 mph winds. I couldn't even go out on the back deck if I wanted to. There is dust, birds, trash (albeit clean trash since it's recycle day) blowing around, and I'm serious when I say that the wind chill is around 30 degrees. I'm not going out there until it's sunny, 75, and the wind is under 5 mph. The windows are rattling and moaning, the chimney is howling, and there is a horrible negative pressure in the house that is popping my eardrums. Yes it's that windy. Who knew mountains are windy? Obviously not me.

So I'm still loving my new drug altered brain. I'm serious about the writing thing again and now I honestly believe that I can do it. My idea is still fabulous even though I have PMS. It still seems compeltely possible for me to get a book published. I know I've said this before, but now it seems like something I can achieve easily. I'm not talking myself out of it anymore. If I had to sum up the benefits of taking an anti-anxiety drug.... I would say that my brain doesn't talk back to me anymore. It was an unruly 14 year old girl that bitched at everything that I wanted to do. "Are you crazy?" "You are not serious are you?" "You are so not cool enough for that." And now it's a beautiful 3 year old who never throws tantrums and would do anything to make me happy...... "We're gonna do what?" "Yea! I'm so excited." "Is there going to be ice cream?"

I absolutley love it. Why does it smell like band-aids in my office? I have it all planned out. I've got a research schedule and book reading list for the rest of this month, as well as character sketches to work on. Then next month I start writing. I've already written the first three chapters. I need to plot out the rest of the book and I am good to go. I will write all summer and then edit and rewrite in the fall when the kids go back to school.

Since we are still low on funds my rugs will move to the back burner. Once I finish the purple one in the studio I'm going to take it around to some local consignment galleries here and in Sedona and see what happens. If and when it sells, I'll get started on a new one and keep going until I have enough funds to launch bigger. But in the meantime I am going to focus on writing and just work on the rugs as a creative outlet.

I've got a plan! Life is good and it still smells like Band-Aids.

Another Vegas Weekend

2010-05-10T11:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to write a crap load today. I'm working. I'm PMSing and it is perfectly under control. Other than the kids being especially annoying I am totally in control, but craving chocolate by the mouthfuls. It's gonna be a good week and then we head to Vegas for the weekend.

Who takes a 10 yr old to Vegas for his birthday? We do, and it's going to kick ass. Gun ranges, go carts, and Circus Circus. I know. How white trash can we get? I'm hoping to skip most of those activities and head to the rare book store at the Palazzo and shop at Caesars.

Till tomorrow.

Modification Update Again

2010-05-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

So Jowanna Hilll seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth again. That and her email address is coming back as undeliverable. WTF. I was going to go back and see what my good friend Louis had to say about this, but before I did that I ran across an e-mail he had sent me which listed the phone numbers of other negotiators who work with Jowanna who I should contact in case I can't get a hold of Jowanna. All of their phone numbers were out of service. Double WTF. So I called Louis and left a message. Still no response from him, but I am currently on hold trying to get some info from a generic B of A representative.

This all started because I got 2 bills from B of A yesterday saying that I was late on my May payment and that I either needed to pay an extra $515/ month into my escrow account in addition to my mortgage payment or that I could make a one time $2040 payment to catch up on my delinquent escrow.

This was baffling since Jowanna told me not to make an April or May payment.

Okay, so the official word from B of A is that I should just keep waiting for Jowanna. She does still work there. She is still assigned to my file. I should only do as Jowanna says. I was told that if I do not hear back from her or get a statement in the mail for the June 1 payment then I should call back for further instructions.

This gets complicated some times. All of the info that is sent to me in the mail contradicts the info that Jowanna and the bank tells me. Always call. Things will hopefully all work themselves out in the end.

My Happiness Project

2010-05-06T14:21:00.000-07:00

So I finished The Happiness Project yesterday and overall I loved it. The thing that jumped out at me the most as far as happiness resolutions go was.......Be Gretchen, or to phrase it for me....... Be Emily.

I tried to not buy books for a week, but is that any way to make me happy? Hell no. It's who I am. I buy arm loads of books. Do I need to cut back? Definitely, but there is no way I can go cold turkey. Me not buying books is like me not drinking chocolate milk. It's in my DNA. I have to be me and that includes buying books and drinking chocolate milk.

It is an interesting idea to think about who I really am and just try and be that person. It's harder than you might think. There are so many ways that we all try to be things that we are not. In retrospect, I was trying to convince myself that I didn't need help with my anxiety, but I have a problem and it's much easier to admit that that is who I am then to try and deny it and suffer in silence.

I might want to be a real estate agent or a veternarian, but deep down that is not who I am. Try it. Think about who you want to be and try to be versus who you really are. It's challenging, but then it all seems much clearer and you can let some things go.

Anyway, I'm doing pretty well on my whole no sugar diet. It has morphed into not much sugar. I did take the kids out for ice cream yesterday and I got a cone too. I tried to stave off my Oreo craving by having some Cookies-n-Cream. It's not the same. So I'm going to have sugar, but not like I used to. I still drink my chocolate milk, but I'm trying not to do it every day. I'm still eating cookies, but only once every few days. It seems to be working.
I realized after about a week of no sugar and not much white flour that I was going to starve if I continued to eat that way. So I am eating better, but still having normal food. Heck I've already lost 4 pounds just majorly cutting back on the sugar snacks.

And I decided as far as my books go, that I will try and just buy 2 books a week. That seems pretty reasonable. Technically 2 a week, or 104 a year is about all I can actually read in that time frame. We'll see how that goes. Today I bought 6 books, yesterday 2, and the day before 10, not including the 4 that were delivered from Amazon. It really is too much. I've run out of shelf space, again.

Citalopram and Me

2010-05-05T13:10:00.000-07:00

I seriously need to get a new picute of the mountain for my header now that almost all of the snow has melted.

Now let's talk about drugs.

For the past 3 weeks I've been taking 10MG of Citalopram every day. It is usually used to treat anxiety as well as depression. I think it's a close cousin of Zoloft, but less expensive since it is offered in a generic. Yea for $3 prescriptions at Target.

Now I was told by my doctor that it can take 6-8 week for the drug to take full effect, but I have noticed a difference right away.

I used to get so aggitated driving anywhere and for the past week or so either the number of stupid drivers on the road has dramatically decreased, or they just aren't bothering me anymore.

I used to get home from the grocery store or home from picking up the kids in the afternoon and feel utterly paralized when faced with what to do first.... should I wash my hands first, should I go pee first, should I take care of the kids first, should I put the eggs in the refridgerator first, should I turn the heat on first. This was so hard for me it mentally hurt. Now when I get home that struggle in my head is completely gone. It's obvious what I need to do and I'm not going to wait for my bladder to explode while I do other things I think need to be done first.

I used to aggonize about going to bed at night. Carl would be asleep and it would be just me, my thoughts, and the TV. I had to wait until I was fully asleep before I turned off the TV, or just put the thing on sleep timer. I was scared to death to try and fall asleep without something to distract me. Now I can turn it off when my eyes are getting heavy and fall right asleep thinking pleasant thoughts instead of, "What if the earth loses gravity tonight?" thoughts.

I used to have a hard time during the day (Mon and Wed) when I am home alone. I was starting to shop too much becuase I didn't want to be home alone with my thoughts. It was keeping me from getting things done that needed to be done. I was obsessivly checking Perez and Facebook, now I can go all morning/afternoon without checking and can wait until after dinner to check them. It was keeping me from blogging. Writing is one of the scarriest things you can do when you are afraid of your own mind. Hopefully now that my mind and I are making friends, we can start to get some more writing done.

Now this a big one and somewhat sensitive....... the drugs seem to be making it harder for me to reach an orgasm. WHAT?? Did I just say that? Yes I did. I don't ordinarily indulge in too much sexy talk anywhere. It's one of those subjects that is just between me and my husband, but I thought that this was important enough to note. What if someonne Googles Citalopram looking for it's side effects, sees my glowing review of the drug and thinks, "Wow this is the drug for me!", without knowing that is does have some less than stellar side effects. Now I'm not saying it's impossible to have an orgasm, but just that I've tried all my usual tricks and gotten nothing so far. I'll definitely be trying harder to see if it's an all or nothing kind of thing, or if I've just got to try harder to get there. So far it doesn't bother me too much. Months from now if I am still unsuccessful I'll want to switch drugs, but for now it almost seems like a worthy sacrifice for my sanity.

Life seems a hell of a lot less scary than it was last month. My hormones will be ramping up this week so this will be the real test of the drug. Can I go through PMS and not freak out as usual? This will be the weekend to find out. I'm starting to get excited about projects and the summer and writing and blogging and my rugs. This is the me that I have been missing. Writing seems easier when my brain is not fighting with my hands.

May Loan Modification Update

2010-05-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

I bought some books. Too many books. I made the mistake of going to the library, coming home with a stack of amazing books, and then jsut for fun looking up the books on Amazon and Abe books. I found 7 of the books that I had checked out for only $1-$3! I had to buy them. It takes the stress off of having to read them all before they are due back at the library. How can I turn down an amazing book for only $1 (plus S&H). So I will not make that resolution to not buy books for 2 weeks. I can't do it. I made it through the weekend only.

Loan update. I still haven't heard back from Jowanna on adding the escrow account. I'm wondering if we are actually going to have to make our June 1 payment. It's been nice to not have the payment for the past 2 weeks. We'll see what she comes back with. She may not be the most prompt in returning my calls, but I now know that she is working on my stuff even when she isn't calling me every day.

CitiMortgage now is becoming a thorn in my side. I started the paperwork with them as soon as Jowanna got back to me on the terms of our modification. I let them know what the terms are and was told that they could do nothing until my paperwork with B of A was finished. Finished? Final paperwork and new signed mortage papers could take up to a year to get. It seems a little strange that they would wait that long to start their 8 month process for modification. I would understand if they wanted to wait until the 3 month trial perios was over, but final paperwork seems a little strange.

We haven't paid the CitiMortgage 2nd mortgage since March 1. I am officially on the shit list for Citi. I got a very confrontational phone call from one of their people last night. He was just plain rude and told me that he couldn't believe that I was so nonchalant about missing my mortgage payments. I clarified that it was just my 2nd mortgage I was missing, that I was aware of the credit rammafications, that I had every intention of paying back all the money that I owe Citi plus any late fees, that I was in the process of going thru the loan modification process and that as soon as my payment was modified I would return to making my payments. He was livid. After a while, after I had proved to him that I was an intelligent well informed consumer, he calmed down. He had been yelling at me about how I needed to be proactive in the modification process, and that the modification program was not a substitute for making payments. He didn't scare me one bit and I'll tell you why.....

Citi is in the second position to be paid after Bank of America. I currently owe $590,000 on a house that Zillow lists as worth about $475,000. If Citi was to try and go ahead and put the house in forclosure they would get nothing because B of A would get paid first. Forclosure would make them lose the $70,000 I owe them. If on the other hand they harass me for payments while I am trying to go thru the modification process and wait, they will get all of their money back, minus a little bit on the lower interest rate. It is in their best interest to wait. I'll put up with the phone calls and continue to be nonchalant about the whole thing because I know what is going on.

It's frustrating, but these new drugs are like little miracle pills for me. Instead of getting pissed off and hanging up or yelling at these customer service people like I usually do,I have been calm and accomodating. It works wonders.

More on my happy pills tomorrow and the sacrifices I am willing to make to be happy and normal.

Daily Blog Posting

2010-05-03T12:28:00.000-07:00

Another new resolution I will try for the next 2 weeks....... Daily Blog Posting. I used to do 3 times a week and now I'm lucky if I get more than 1 a week, so to kick things off right and get things going in the right direction I'm going to try and write something interesting each and every day (excluding the weekends of course).

So far I made it through the weekend without buying any books. I am however going to the library today. It's who I am. I need the constant flux of new information or else my brain will shrivel up and die.

The lastest topic for me to research is historic house preservation and archaeology. I think I just may have found a way to mesh my lust for houses with my need to write. It's a little top secret so far, but I think I may just start moving ahead on writing that book I always talk about. I even have the first few chapters written and who the hell knows it could be a fabulous series of books, but for now I am going to research my ass off. I want to do this right. It's such a good idea I think I might even be able to sell a fiction book series on just a proposal and a couple of chapters. I know. I must be high. I can dream though. But really the idea is THAT fabulous. I know I would want to read the whole series and isn't that what it's really about..... write a book that you yourself would actually want to read.

Other than those two fabulous things this week, I am also reading The Happiness Project. I wasn't too sure of it at first. It's another writer from New York with a year long project that could very well change her life. I've read a lot of them, but this one is kind of cool. So far it blends all of the various self-help theories into one year long manifesto on how to change your life. Everyone's Happiness Project can be different depending on what you want to work on, but the author really tells all kinds of fabulous intimite details of her life while she works on what, for her, will be HER Happiness Project. I love all the juicy details.

Day 1 of two week continuous blog posting complete. Till tomorrow.

The Fight Against Oreo's

2010-04-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

Some days this whole no/less sugar thing is a real bitch.

It's Friday afternoon. I should be able to throw down a few Oreo's right? The temptation is there. I know I will feel like crap afterward, but this taste is what it getting me. I want that creamy chocolately goodness in my mouth. Talking about it isn't making it any better.

Usually when I get this sugar craving I pop a couple of my gummy vitamins. I figure the vitamin part counteracts the high fructose corn syrup of the gummyness. It keeps me from eating those Oreos or the pink and white sprinkled circus cookies. Damn! Why do I even have that crap in my house?

The sacrifice is obviously worth the fight. I'm skinnier. I feel better and I must even say that I am still wearing my tight Lucky jeans even though I am home for the day and have every reason to put on my sweats and call it a day. The pants feel fine and my head feels like a normal person.

My next task is to not buy any books for 2 weeks. Recently my book addiction has been kicked into high gear with the influx of extra roof insurance funds. I've been on a 10 books a week kick which I know I need to cut back on. I've run out of shelf space and my to be read pile is rubbing elbows with me now on my desk while I type. I'm gonna go cold turkey until we get back from Vegas in 2 weeks after my oldest son's birthday. I'm going to try and go that long without buying any new books or even checking out a pile from the library and just see what happens. It's kind of scary, but it's a small goal I think I can easily conquer. Buying books is an obsessive thing for me and I'm trying to stop being obsessive.

No Books and No Oreos. What the hell am I thinking?

Am I Normal?

2010-04-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

Starting to write again is the first thing on my list of To Do's now that I'm starting to regain my saneness. The first question that pops into my head is whether or not I'm a better writer all crazied up or with all of my senses? I've written all my life and I would argue that I've been varrying shades of crazy my whole life. Are the two related? Do I write more or less when I'm grounded or when I'm spinning off of walls inside my head?

It seems like I only write about being crazy when I'm decidedly not crazy. When I'm in the midst of a anxiety laden hormone induced craze I seldom if ever regocnize it. Things so normal and get so out of control. Did that person just cut me off? What was she insinuating by that comment? How many ceiling tiles are in this room? Have I thoroughally researched which hotels to stay at in the Lake Como area of Italy for when I take a trip there... someday? How many ceiling tiles were there? I better count again.
That is/was my normal brain function. At the time though it doesn't seem strange. It seems like a normal day in my head.

Luckily for me I started charting my crazy. I was marking the days that seemed to send me over the edge. There was a distinct pattern. I noticed that things were not getting better permanently. They would just recede for a week or two and there flare up worse than before until I cracked and decided I HAD to see a doctor to get my head back on straight.

It's frustrating to realize that you're crazy, have been crazy, and will probably always be a little bit crazy. I can change my diet, I can take pills, but it will always be there in the background waiting for me to slip.

It's such a different view out of this window.

There are things that I want to do that I cannot do when I am trying to fight my mind. It had become such a battle and now it is a habit to not get things done. As the drugs sink deeper and deeper into my head I will gradually get all my abilities back and be able to take over the world in a Martha Stewart like fashion, or maybe more like Jen Lancaster or Heather Armstrong.

Step one is take the drugs.
Step two is write more.
Step three is shop less.
Step four is sell some rugs.

The world is my oyster.

Psychadelic Drugs

2010-04-26T12:46:00.000-07:00

I think I am finally beginning to feel the effects of my mood altering drugs. It's been almost two weeks and I feel a lot more EVEN. That's the best word I can think of to describe this feeling. I can think my scary thoughts and they just slip right on by instead of my mind seizing on them and devouring them until I am sitting in a corner trying to count the floor tiles repeatedly.

I can sit at my computer and actually get stuff done without getting so easily distracted by Perez or Ancestry.com or just spending worthless hours surfing Amazon for the next book that I MUST read.

Now this could just be the regular even keel I float on these two weeks when my hormones are pretty level.
Next week will be the real test. That's the week that I start to slip into PMS, slowly but surely starting me on an internal rage that lasts usually 2 weeks. If I still feel good by next Friday then the drugs are working.

As far as side effects go, I've been a little nauseous and had weird splitting flashes of pain in weird spots in my head. Of course those could be related to the significant absence of sugar in my diet as well. Those two don't bother me so much as the much more often complained about side effects of weight gain and certain frustrating sexual side effects. Time will tell on those two.

Hopefully I will also be able to write here more often and find some nice range in between totally stark raving mad and typical boring drugged housewife.

Sugar Free Me

2010-04-21T10:25:00.000-07:00

While I would never say I was overweight, I would say that my ideal weight is at 130 and not where I usuallly hover between 135-138. It's not enough of a difference for me to really make the effort to eat less. I love my curves and I am probably just as afraid of being too thin as I am of being too fat. I go to the gym at least 3 times a week. I'm fit and healthy so the extra 5 lbs never bothered me. I would always think to myself that I should really cut out the Oreos, candy, cookies, ice cream, and marshmallows, but I never was really motivated to do it for the weight.

On the other hand, now that I know all that sugar was seriously effing with my head it's been a sinch to cut it out.

My point here is that the weight was not a motivating factor, but the crazy cure motivation is pure gold. I am (was) seriously sick in the head and a good deal of that seems to have been caused by a serious overdose on Easter candy and my addiction to marshmallows and M&M's. I never would have guessed that, but after a mostly sugar free week, I feel a million times better.

Am I reading the wrong magazines? Have I been missing something all these years? Why does the media seem to focus on cutting out sugar to lose weight and not focus on the mood altering affects. Sugar is a drug and for people like me that are very sensitive to alterations in mood it's even a very addcitive drug. Now I'm not advocating cutting it out altogether. I'm still gonna have ice cream once a week and I'm gonna still have a cookie now and again, but never again will the above listed items be a part of my daily food intake. I feel like an idiot for never noticing the effects of sugar on my mood. HELLO! It's like a light has been turned on in my brain and it seems so simple, but no for the past 3 years I've been shoveling in sugar like it was going out of style.

It's hard some days to not reach into the Oreo bag like I usually do after lunch, but if I think it will help me be a normal person again then I'm all for having some Wheat Thins instead, and as a wonderful side effect I might finally be able to stay at 130! Which if you think about it is really more like 125 since 5 lbs is taken up by my 34DDD's.

Mega April Update

2010-04-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life gets in the way of internetting.

First off Rupert died last Wednesday. We brought him home and he still wouldn't eat. I took him back to the vet and the doctor said there wasn't much he could do for him short of months of $$$$ hospitalization and even then he wouldn't be the same cat. He had withered away to almost nothing, but I didn't have the heart to be the one that made the euthanization decision. I left it to Carl. He is an amazing man. He even held Rupert while he fell asleep. It's a lot quiter around here without him and I get a little teary when I type his name into our computer as the security password. (I probably shouldn't have broadcast that).

Birthdays Birthdays and Easter. That always seems to get in the way of me sitting down and writing like I really want to. Also it's field trip season here in Flagstaff which is such a time suck.

Maybe I should just list all my crazy update points.

1. Bought my almost 10 yr old a phone. I said I never would, but he is getting hard to keep tabs on.

2. Bought my dear husband a radio for his delivery truck. He is so happy. It's the best birthday present I've gotten him in a while.

3. Still waiting to hear back from Jowanna at B/A. The numbers she quoted me did not include taxes and insurance. I sent her back to set up an escrow account and see if she could include our current taxes due.

4. I'll probably save this for another longer post, but I had a major meltdown on Sunday/Monday. After seeing 2 doctors this week we have come to the conclusion that I suffer from PMDD, which while laughable in pharmaceutical commercials, can actually be a real thing if you already have diagnosed OCD and anxiety disorders. My hormones are fluctuating on 2 week cycles that are jacking up my ability to control my regular crazy with my PMS crazy.

5. I will now be taking an anti anxiety medication to level my moods and also will be cutting back on all refined sugars and flours (simple carbohydrates). Needless to say these two items are found in almost all of my favorite foods. This will be a struggle, but if it means no meds eventually, then I'll cut out my cookies and ice cream and french bread with butter. I'll limit them to only being consumed on Saturdays. I've got to have cookies and donuts and ice cream and pancakes at least once a week.

That's it, but it seems like a lot. I'm going to start this year over again starting May 1. I've been all kinds of crazy this year. I've been letting my anxiety get the best of me and it has been keeping me from doing the things I really want to do with my life. Money is not holding me back. I am holding me back. I can do anything. I have done anything and everything already, I just need to get back to being that person again. I hate taking pills, but if thats what it takes now, then I will. I can only fight my crazy by myself for so long. I'm strong, but I'm not invincible. The stress of not working and the loan mod have taken their toll and I need a life preserver to pull me back onto the boat. I know that's a corny metaphor, but hey it makes sense here.

Carl and I have been saying this a lot this year, 2010 will be a year of change. We are seeing it everyday. We may not lose our house. I'm not going to lose my mind, but things are going to change and for the better this year.

On a lighter note..... I think I might have to start watching Glee. I'm not a big fan of theater production and that type of song and dance, but when I saw this video http://perezhilton.com/2010-04-14-in-case-you-missed-it-211 it made me want to start watching the show. That and I was thinking I would pay someone a lot of money to produce a video of me recreating a Madonna video. That sounds like a great idea to me. Jane Lynch looks fantastic. How did they make her look so good. She sounded amazing too. I want that!

Modification Results

2010-04-01T14:28:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while. The shit really hit the fan the last couple of weeks.

Rupert, the best cat in the world, was gravely ill the past week or two. I won't bore you with all the cat/vet details, but he had liver failure and nearly died. We are nursing him back to health slowly but surely. He went from my big squishy 18lb Garfield cat to an 11 lb skinny yellow cat.

My dad has been in the hospital for the last week with a strange infection that was eating part of his hand, not a flesh eating disease, but it's close slower moving cousin.

I had comletely given up on Jowanna since my friend said it took her 10 months to get a modification. Jowanna called me Saturday morning at 8:00 (I know. WTF?) I missed the call, and called Luis Monday to get the 411 and was told that all she did was submit an offer to the investors. I forgot about it again and just figured I'd wait another week or two to hear back. Wrong.

I got a phone call this morning at 8:30. It was Jowanna with the modification results! I could hardly get to a pen and paper fast enough. Here's the deets:

Our current loan has a payment of $3803.73 a month with a 7.5% interest rate.

Our new payment for the first 2 years will be $2445.11 with a 3% rate.

The next two years will be $2711.02 with a 4% rate.

Starting on year number 5 and from then on the interest rate will be fixed at 5% for the life of the loan and a payment of $2972.16.

And we don't have to make the first payment until June 1.

Now I forgot to ask if that included taxes and insurance. I was led to believe that it did, but I am double checking that.

I think it's a pretty good deal if it includes taxes and insurance. If not then I'm not too impressed. That would only be a drop of about $1358. If it includes taxes and insurance that's a drop of $1706 which kicks ass.

With those numbers we should be able to stay in the house which is a load off. We were not looking forward to moving at all. There aren't too many people who will rent to a family of 5 with 5 cats. We would have had to downsize (cats not kids). I'm a little scared if we still have to pay property tax out of our own pocket or if there is more to those numbers Jowanna gave me, but things look a little better now.

It's a new month I feel a little bit more setteled. I feel like we can move ahead and not keep worrying about what comes next. There will be no new fresh start and a new house in town, but we will be able to stay in the house that we know and love despite it's numerous faults.

So what does this mean for you? I will no longer be talking about my loan mod non-stop. I can branch back into the exciting topics I was discussing before. I will have a little extra fundage to start selling my rugs and maybe a little bit more time to write again and not this kind of drivel.

Waiting for Bank of America and not making mortage payments

2010-03-23T12:58:00.000-07:00

Still no word from Bank of America. I'm just not going to hold my breath anymore. I was before because I was still making my payments, but there is no turning back now. I've already spent a big portion of what would have been our mortgage payment this month. I bought the family new glasses. This week I'm getting some shit lasered off my face. Next week I'm getting an exhaust leak and an oil leak fixed on my truck. The week after that I'm buying the family passports, and after that we're all getting our yearly cleaning/checkup at the dentist.These are all the things we've been putting off because we couldn't afford to get it done.

I think I deserve all of the above things. We aren't getting any attention from B of A by paying our mortgage, so in order to get our modification I'm not making payments anymore. I don't mind wrecking my credit.

If you're just joining me, and judging me, please note that I would still be able to afford my house if not for the banks wrecking the construction industry. The horrible lending practices of the banks ruined 2 of my businesses, so I'm trying to get a little relief in the form of a modification.

I was feeling bad for deciding not to pay the mortgage, but then I got over it. It's my money and I decide where it needs to go most. If I can get a 6 month repreive on my mortgage payments and catch up on everything we've been falling behind on the past few months, then I'm going to take advantage of it. If the modification comes back good maybe we'll stay, or maybe we'll move. Only time will tell.

It's hard to not make plans. It's hard to not know what we are going to do, but we're going to ride it out and see what happens. Either way we will be okay. We still have great income, just not enough for this big freakin house.

With the extra money I'll be able to put some of it back into my rug business which has been sitting in the background getting ignored for lack of funds. This could very well work out as a good thing if it gets everything up and running smoothly again.

Time will tell. I'm trying to be patient this time.

Spring Breakin' It

2010-03-19T16:21:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to rant and rave about Bank of America this week. I'm on spring break. We're watching movies. I'm reading Atlas Shrugged. I'm spending money.

I'm going to have a kick ass weekend. I'm going to see a waterfall in Sedona. I'm going to a four year old's birthday party at the gymnastic center and if I'm really lucky my dear husband will bring home a bucket of chicken tonight.

Good Livin!

Personal Advice on Home Loan Modifications

2010-03-15T15:02:00.000-07:00

Okay this is some crazy shit.

First of all Jowanna Hill is on vacation all this week. I still did not get a phone call or e-mail from her at all last week.

Secondly.. I got a letter in the mail on Friday saying that we are not elegible for the loan modification. Pretty much the same crap I was told 2 weeks ago by some lame customer service rep that freaked me out.

I called Luis this morning and was told yes Jowanna is out of town and yes I'll have to wait until she gets back. there is nothing that can be done. I started freakin out about how this process is working and he just told me to try and be patient and to ignore the letter I got in the mail last week. He's a great guy and an amazing customer service rep.. Do ya hear that B of A? That man deserves a raise. He has the patience of a saint.

So then later this morning I called one of my friends to see what was up with one of her rental houses and she proceeded to tell me her long drawn out story with B of A.

Brace yourself.......it took her 10 months to get a loan mod with B of A and she still doesn't have her final docs. She also told me she didn't pay her mortgage for 10 months waiting for the loan mod.

I feel like such an idiot for writing those huge checks the last few months. My kids had a less than stellar Christmas so B of A could get their money. We haven't vacationed in almost a year because of B of A.

Needless to say I will not be sending in a payment this month and I wish someone had been able to tell me this stuff a long time ago, but I guess I just wasn't asking the right people for advice. I'll give you a piece right now.... Don't listen to B of A when they tell you to keep making payments. my friend told me she didn't get any attention from them until she stopped paying.

So we sit and wait... some more. Only this month we are going to have money. I already went out and bought the kids their spring time shoes to replace the old ugly winter ones. We went down to the zoo for the day on Saturday and spend an extra $100 (that's the extent of our spring break festivities), I scheduled an appointment to get those ugly skin tags removed from my face, an appointment for me and my son to go get new glasses, I spent over $50 at the grocery store this week ($125 to be exact), and I might even schedule dentist appointments for us all since we are 6 months overdue on our teeth cleanings. That's the kind of stuff we have been giving up to pay our mortgage payment, but no more. I'm going to take back control until they decide to give us a new payment.

Suck that Bank of America!

FUSD Budget Override Hell YES!!!!!!

2010-03-11T18:54:00.000-07:00

I know I'm a snob when it comes to education. I went to one of the best highschools in the entire country and got a free, although priceless, education at the above school. University Highschool in Urbana, Illinois. It is a laboratory highschool on the campus of the University of Illinois and across the street from one of the greatest engineering campus' in the world. All kinds of crazy insane shit was invented right across the street from where I was learning Calculus.

It is a school where kids learn the basics of Literature, Math, biology, chemistry, history, debate, and two years of language is required. When I was there they even offered Latin and Russian besides the usual fare of German and French.

I love this school more than any place else in my life where I spent parts of my childhood. We were treated with respect. We were gifted children and we were given freedoms that most highschoolers only dream of. We could sign ourselves out for the day if we were feeling ill and take the public bus system home. We didn't need to wait for a parent to come and get us. If you were advanced enough you could take classes on the University Campus. We even had a student lounge filled with ratty old couches and beat up stereos that was ours for whatever we wanted to do with it. Mostly it was filled with kids studying for a last minute exam during their free periods. That's right I said free periods. When I was a senior I had 3 free periods on some days. Of course I was a good girl, but that didn't keep me from sneaking out during those long days to my boyfriends house to make out for hours on end. But I loved that I had the freedom to do it. I love that I was trusted enough as a young adult to be given the chance to prove myself as the responsible adult I was going to become.

Money and funding is not what made this school great. It was the students, the university, the faculty, and the parents who made it great. Teachers are still here from when I was in school 17 years ago and they had been there years before I got there. They don't stay for the money. They stay because they know that what they do makes a difference. They know that they are providing one of the best highschool educations in the US. I am so proud to be an alumni.

But where are you going with all this Emily? Well I'll tell you.......

Tax payers voted this week in Flagstaff to approve a budget override for the FUSD schools and I am estatic. There is nothing more priceless than a good education. Yes it costs money. Money that even old people and people with no kids have to pay to fund the schools. But for some kids the one stable thing in their lives is their school. Shutting down schools, eliminating art and music classees, rezoning entire districts, sharing books, and having kids sit on the floor during lessons is not ever an answer to a budget crisis.

To all the ugly old childless people waving signs on the grass in front of City Hall I say shame on you. Do you even know what it is like in schools today? Do you know that you are not hurting the teachers, the state budget cutters, or the politicians. You are hurting the kids and only the kids by trying to cut the school budgets.

Sure there are things that money could be saved on. Yes they could have more efficient building maintenance programs. Yes teachers could work for a little less money. Yes we could stop buying library books. But in the long run saving money won't help anyone. It's only money and education is priceless.

I had evidence of this this morning when I was talking to a mom with three young children who told me she hadn't read a book since highschool until the Twilight books came out. I tried to laugh it off. Some people are readers and some are not, but still, really? She had never wanted to learn anything new since she graduated from highschool and reading books was no longer mandatory. She had never been curious on a subject and wanted to learn more. She had never wanted to pre-read some of the books that her 10 year old was reading in school.

Her high school? Why of course I asked. She went to a huge 4000 plus student body highschool in Phoenix. I'm sure she never even had an option of getting a good education. She took the public option and it has failed her in more than one way in her adult life.

Not all of us are lucky enough to have parents who care about our educations. She obviously was not one of the lucky few.

I know I have options for my children besides public education, but I shouldn't need them. Public education should be just as good if not better for the amount of money that is spent.

My graduating class size was 32. Did it make a difference. Hell yes. I am one of the smartest people I know.

See I told you I was a snob.

Jowanna Hill Where Are You?

2010-03-10T14:02:00.000-07:00

Yes I put her name in the title of this post. Maybe she will Google her name someday and my little blog will pop up and she'll read it and see what it is like to be on the other end of her unanswered phone calls.

It's been four days since I got little Miss Jowanna's phone number. I've left 3 messages and sent her e-mails and I have yet to hear back from her at all. All I would need is a one line e-mail saying, 'I'm working on it', some kind of acknowledgement of her being my negotiator.. something to satiate me, but no I've got nothing.
I even e-mailed my old friend Luis and told him to go on over to Jowanna's desk and see if she's dead, on vacation or in the hospital with rabies or some other debilitating disease that would keep her from returning phone calls.

It is driving me mad.

Then I decided to call our 2nd mortage company and see if they would be able to do a modification for us as well...... that's another 3 month process.... and they have to have the numbers from the first mortgage modification. The CitiMortage guy even suggested that I 'keep calling Bank of America and push them to finish up thier modification' I laughed out loud at that one.

This isn't what I want to spend my days doing .This isn't how I want to spend my life, worrying over whether or not my family will have to move this summer. I don't want to have to troll Craigslist everyday looking for an affordable rental that will hold my family of five and our five cats. I want to know what the hell is going on. Bank of America is holding our entire lives in their hands and they don't give a rat's ass. Jowanna Hill doesn't seem to give a rat's ass either. This is our life. We have to make plans and know how to move on with our lives if we lose this house.

Winter Lament

2010-03-09T17:29:00.000-07:00

So we have had over 130" of total snow this winter season. Officially more than anywhere else in the United States this year, and it blows.

It is March 9th. School started late this morning and then I had to pick the kids up early from school since the bus would not be coming thru my neighborhood during the blowing snow. It has been like this since November and I am so over it.

There is over 5 feet of snow on our upstairs deck that we have yet to shovel off and it keeps getting higher and higher, so high that it is starting to block the views out of the windows.

My dear husband has been trying to deliver packages all day and will be exhausted but will still have to try and snow blow his way into our 200' long driveway when he gets home.....in the dark.

It's too much. This will go down in our history as the worst winter we've ever experienced and it even beats that horrible winter in Vermont with no garage, no friends, and no heat.

It's cold. We're tired. I want to wear sandles. Little Mia wanted to wear a sundress so badly this morning that we made it work with tights and layers over and under her dress with sparkly sandles over her socks.

I'm ready to implode. I want to beg the sunshine to come here and just melt everything and flood the place. As long as it's sunny and 65 I don't care how deep the water is. My toes need to breath. I need an excuse to shave my legs.

It's just too much. So much that I don't think I want to spend another winter here and suffer through another winter on a mountain.

Loan Modification Update #1,734,565

2010-03-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

My love affair with Luis is over.

First of all he let me down today. When I talked to him last he said I would have an answer by today. When he called me just now he said the only thing that was accomplished was that a negotiator had been assigned. He told me Monday it would only take 2-4 days to get it finished up. It took 2-4 days to get the negotiator. He also told me that now that I have been given a negotiator he is out of the picture. Now I am supposed to just only contact her.....Jowanna (otherwise pronounced Joanna. I'll try not to hold her parents' horrible spelling against her) instead of calling Luis.

Lies Lies Lies. I'm sure he had the best of intentions, but everything I am told seems to take weeks longer than it is supposed to.

So now I sit and wait for Jowanna to call me. I have her direct e-mail and phone number and since Luis conveniently called at 4:30 pm Pacific time and Jowanna is on the east coast I cannot call her until Monday. Another week of waiting and wondering. Every week I think, "this is going to be the week", and every week I am disappointed.

Oh and my shitty attitude yesterday....... the stomach flu, a 24 hour bug, food poisoning, I don't know what to call it, but I am almost ready to eat solid food tonight for dinner after 2 days of Gatorade and Saltines.

Until Monday. Now I'll keep my fingers crossed that we get a loan mod by our April 1 payment after having started this process the first week of December. RIDICULOUS!!

Frosty Therapy

2010-03-04T11:19:00.000-07:00

Still no word from Luis and my negotiator yet. I should hear something today or tomorrow.

I was feeling so good last week and this week seems like a let down comparitively. Maybe because it's crappy out today with the wind blowing and a snow threatening sky, or maybe becuase I ate too many Lucky Charms this morning, or maybe becuase I completely ruined my good leather purse this morning by inadvertantly putting a water bottle in it without the lid screwed on tightly. I don't know, but I'm not feeling it today.

I'm tired of my good weeks and horrible weeks. I would like just some good even uneventfullness with maybe a good vacation in my future to look forward to. These violent ups and downs and stress related to the house are taking their toll on me.

I had to dye my hair again yesterday becuase all of a sudden there were gray hairs everywhere. I used to look so young for my age and now I think I'm acutally starting to look like I'm going to be 35 in a few months. My eyes are starting to get those tiny wrinkly lines under them and I'm so washed out I have to color in my eyebrows every morning or else I look like I have no eyebrows.

I've never been a high maintenance girl, but as I get older it's really starting to take longer to get ready in the morning.

Maybe what I need to do to perk myself up today is to go out and buy a new purse. Nothing makes a gal feel better than shopping right?

Fuck it. I'll just roll with the crappy day and see where it takes me. Right now I think it's going to take me to Wendy's for a Frosty and a little cheap retail therapy at Kohl's to look for a new purse.

Dave Navarro Eye Candy

2010-03-03T13:22:00.001-07:00

I'm not usually a big fan of PETA, but this is making me drool.

I love me some Dave Navarro, mostly because this is what my husband would look like if he had hair and tats. He does have the nipple piercings and the rock hard body though, so I'm not missing too much with Dave.

I just thougth I would share a naked rockstar with you guys.

ENJOY!

The Home Loan Negotiator

2010-03-02T15:20:00.000-07:00

Luis and I had a nice long chat yesterday afternoon. We went over my new and revised household financial worksheet, tweaked a few things so that we were not quite so negative. We went from -$1460 per month to -$1000 a month. (We cut my littelest one's preschool for next year)Luis thought this would help us so that the bank didnt' have to give quite so much on their end.

Apparently the banks are required to take the monthly mortgage payments down to 33% of your income and still leave you with an extra $200 a month. For us this would mean that with taxes and insurance our mortgage payment would have to go down to about $2200/ month, of which B of A would only get about $1800. That is a $2,000 a month reduction from what they are currently getting from us. Luis was unsure if the -$1400 would fly with them, but felt much better about our $1000 deficit.

He submitted our revised info and told me that he would get the file assigned to a negotiator yesterday afternoon. Once is has been assigned a negotiator it should only take about 2-4 business days to get a reply. What that reply is I'm not sure. I don't know if that means we get the breakdown on Friday, or we just get to go over all the info again with the negotiator. I have no idea and Luis wasn't super clear when explaining it to me.

I'm am really starting to understand this process more and more. Not a damn thing will happen until you are assigned someone like Luis and you are assigned a negotiator. Everythign else was just a stall to get to this point.

Another interesting thing that I discussed with Luis is that the bank could come back and say that they will take the payment down and require us to stop paying one of our credit cards. Let's say that my minimum credit card payment is $500 a month. In order for me to qualify for the MHA program I'm about $300 off in one of my categorys as far as income and expenses. B of A could come back and say..... look we can make it fit but you have to cut $300. How about you stop paying your Visa bill and then it will all be peachy?

Seems a little strange to me, but we'll see how it works out.

We're waiting again, hopefully only until Friday.

My Etsy Page

2010-02-26T10:33:00.002-07:00

Please Please Please go look at, and if you like it, buy my rug on ETSY.

Mama needs the cash.

It's gorgeous. It's handmade, and after I make it big someday, you will be the proud owner of the first original MWeaver Rug.

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=34777496&ref=sr_gallery_21&&ga_search_query=rug&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=&order=price_desc&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title

What happened to the fun?

2010-02-25T15:00:00.000-07:00

I know I know. All I'm posting about is my freaking loan modification.

I am not lying when I say it is my whole world right now. My days are spent rearranging numbers and squeezing money out of every little crack and crevice I can find. I'm juggling due dates like flaming knives. There is little to no fun for me right now. This is full on survival mode.

The kids are getting to school. I'm taking a shower everyday and dinner is getting made. That is all that I can manage right now. The months and months of waiting are dragging us all down. There may be an end in sight if I can believe Luis.

Until then bear with me on the detailed info on my Home Loan Modification. Maybe April will be the month when I can start ranting and raving about writing and my rugs again and the horrible choice I made when deciding to become an architect. Until then feast your eyes on my new dream goal.........

http://fidm.edu/academics/majors/textile-design/a.a.-p.d.-/

My personal Customer Service Rep at Bank of America

2010-02-25T14:52:00.000-07:00

My new favorite person is Mr. Luis Arceo of Bank of America. So he called me back yesterday afternoon and dispelled the nasty rumor that some freaking idiot told me on Monday that we are ineligible for the modification program.

Whew! That is a load off.

What he did tell me is that Bof A is still waiting to hear back from the investor to okay the modification that BofA worked out. He won't tell me what that modification is and he can't until the investor approves it. I also had to send in a crap load of new paperwork: more bank statements, a utility bill, a profit and loss for my husbands business as well as another PandL for Rockstar.

I got it all locked and loaded and e-mailed off to Luis this morning and now we sit and wait some more.

I cannot make my March 1 payment. I might be able to pay it by the 15th after which it is officially late, but good old Luis is working on that for me. We might be able to get a pre-modified, modified payment since we have been waiting so long. I won't hear on that till Monday, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I seem to be doing that a lot lately.

More Confusion from Bank of America

2010-02-24T12:26:00.000-07:00

Okay so Monday my world was collapsing.

Then Monday night during dinner I got a phone call.

It was from a fabulous guy named Luis from Bank of America. He told me that my file just landed on his desk. He is in the expediting department. He gave me his direct phone number and his direct e-mail address. I just called him now and, believe it or not, he actually answered the phone. There was no waiting, no hold, no automated system.

Anyway Luis told me he would get to my file today and he would give me the definite, final answer on our status with Bank of America.

This is so weird. No one seems to know what is going on at Bof A. It's like the one guy who posted his story and said that he was told by one of the service reps that he had already refused his modification offer when in fact he hadn't. The first level of reps I am convinced are just making shit up and stalling people so that they will continue to make payments. This has got to be fact. I would love it if Bof A would respond to this accusation.
I was so confused on Monday because I had been told that an escrow account had been set up for us and that only happens if they are in fact going to do a loan mod. I even saw on our last mortgage statement that our next property tax payment was going to be part of that escrow account. So for me to be told we were inelligible was bewildering.

I am still waiting. Luis is supposed to call me this afternoon after he's had a chance to investigate my file.

So we are still in limbo.

I even went so far on Monday as to start looking for a nice rental house and called a real estate agent to start the sale/short sale process and now we are right back to the waiting game.

I'll keep you posted. I know I'm on pins and needles.

Kiss it Goodbye

2010-02-22T15:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't fully come to terms with this yet, but it looks like we will have to leave our big beautiful house.

I spent another hour on the phone with B of A today and was told that we were found "ineligible" for the Making Home Affordable Program.

I am utterly flabbergasted.

I couldn't get any more info that that from cust. serv. rep. I was told to sit and wait for the letter. She could not guarantee that the letter would give more specific information, but I would hope that it will. I cannot understand it. Four different people told me we were eligible. This is just dumbfouding. I can't wrap my head around it. In all my guesses in what kind of response we would get from B of A I never imagined that we would get nothing from them.

So now we look for an exit strategy as my dear husband calls it. We will probably try to just plain sell it and walk away with nothing for the $200,000 in payments we've put into over the past 4 years. If that won't work we'll try to short sell it. I have no idea what that entails. If that doesn't work I'm down with walking away, but I'm not sure how that works either.

Oh my God. I thought we would raise our kids in this house. I've got to let this sink in a little bit more.

Dwell Magazine?? Feature my rugs?? Please!!

2010-02-17T10:52:00.000-07:00

This was my Sunday morning.

Why does everything always seem so much easier in SoCal? The few hours that we were away from the snow and cold and work at home, everything seemed so easy. There are so many people in LA in makes it seem ridiculous that I could ever wonder if I will be able to sell my rugs. There are people everywhere that still have money to spend. They all seem to be in LA and the OC.

Flagstaff seems like such a drag. Things are closed everywhere. Neighbors are selling their houses left and right. Even selling their big custom homes that they worked for years to save up to build. Even some houses that I designed. People are working for free or not working at all. It's the same as our story. It's just that in Flag we all seem to have the same story. Times are tough.

I need to sell my rugs. I can do it. I just need to meet the right person. I just need the $$$ for brochures. I know I can make money at this. I am a designer. I just have no idea and no money to let people know what it is that I am doing and the beautiful things that I am making.

How does everyone else make that jump from obscurity to people actually buying your stuff? I can't seem to get across that threshold. Is there something that I'm missing? Or am I just in the wrong city? Selling rugs in LA would be easy. I would just contact each and every rug store on Melrose within a 1 mile radius of the Pacific Design Center. I've been in all those stores when I was doing my research. I could sell my stuff there. I just can't get away during the week and get to LA to do that while I have 3 small kids. Am I using them as an excuse? I don't even know anymore.

I, like everyone else who is trying to break into a new industry, need 1 big break. I need one thing that will introduce me to the right person, get me an article in Metropolis or Dwell. This blog is the only thing that really gets my info out there. If there is one thing I'm trying to do now besides my usual complaining here is to educate people about the Loan Mod process, give away free architecture advice, and get people to notice my rugs. I don't know if any of it is working or if anyone is finding me here. But if there is even one of you out there that gets some help here or even considers buying a rug from me, I guess I'm doing my job.

Bank of America Home Loan Modification Process

2010-02-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to think that the whole Loan Modification is just another bank racket. I called in again today just to check the status of things. 2 HOURS later I'm severely pissed.

Every single person I talk to tells me something different. I talked to three people this morning in three different departments and all of them were all over the place with reasons and excuses as the why I haven't received "a packet".

It seems almost like complete bullshit. The girl I spoke to last week who told me she was putting me on the "expedited" list....... didn't put me on the list. Both of the people I talked to today said I was put on the list. One guy had me on hold while he put all kinds of notes in my file. When I called back after gettting disconnected the next person said there were no notes in my file at all.

What the hell is going on at Bank of America? I have been told that B of A is waiting on the Government to make a decision on my adjustment and I have been told by B of A that the Government has nothing to do with the adjustment. They are just waiting on the investors to make a decision. I even came straight out and asked someone about this because I thought for sure that my files had to cross some government official's desk and was told no, it's all done in house.

Is it just the telephone operators that have no clue? Are they all trained differently? Are they just reading out of a notebook filled with appropriate time stalling phrases to keep home owner's from calling back? I simply cannot figure it out.

To me it just seems like a stalling factor. Here, make payments that you can't afford AT ALL for the next threee months and then we'll string you along for another month or two and then when you get really desperate then we'll expedite it and finally tell you what your new payment is.

Like I said I am not one for government handouts but there are two things that bother me here. I could afford my house when I bought it 4 years ago even though I was screwed on the interest rate. Not because of my horrible 780 credit score, but because I was self employed in the same industry for over 10 years I was considered a credit risk. Instead of getting the standard 5.5% interest that everyone else was getting back in 2006. We got 7.5%. That was bullshit.
The second factor is that we wouldn't be in this mess if the banks hadn't messed up and jacked up the entire lending industry. Because two of our businesses are directly related to construction we got screwed. When the banks stopped lending and people stopped building we got royally screwed. Lucky for us we still own one other business that is not affected by the banking industry. If not for that we would have been out on the street a year ago.

I have long since come to the conclusion that most people who work at banks are clueless. They have no background in banking or business, they are simply cogs in a machine who do what they are told. I guess someone has to have those jobs, but come on, some one needs to step up and take responsibility for all this. If we could just go back to the system where real people who have direct authority can make decisions based not only on numbers and hard facts but also on the personal history of a customer. It's been a long long time since the banking industry worked this way, but it seems like the only way for them to dig themselves out of this mess.

If only I had a big enough audience and could get enough people pissed about the Loan Modification situation. There are supposedly millions of homeowners trying to get loan mods....... where are they and why aren't they complaining? Are they too embarrassed? I'm not ashamed of my situation. Shit happens. But if more people were more vocal about this process maybe something could be done about it.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Loan Mod Update #7

2010-02-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

Okay...... I called B of A Thursday. This was the big 45 business days deadline. Up until this point they would give me no info on the status of our loan modification. This was supposed to be the magic number of days that suddenly opened up our file and would let me know what was going on.

Well that was a load of bull hockey. I was basically told to wait some more. The chick told me that an escrow account was being opened for us and after that was completed we would get the fabled "envelope" with all the exact info. I've been waiting breathlessly for that envelope since the 8th of December, what's a few more days now... right?

I was also told that since I had met the 45 day period I was entitled to a phone call from someome else high up at Bof A that would let me know more details of my loan mod. I was supposed to receive that phone call within 72 hours. It's Monday. B of A is closed today in observance of whatever bogus holiday it is today.

So to sum up... 45 days came and went and I'm still waiting and there is no mail today and no one to call to ask where my phone call is. Arghhhh.

This is the week things are going to happen. I know I said it last week, but I guess I really meant this week.

There are 2 guys on my roof right now. I'll post pictures once some shingles have been officially nailed. I know you're breathlessly waiting to see them and to hear what my loan mod numbers are going to be. I know. That's why I'm here... to show you all the good stuff.

Oh and did I mention that I did in fact see Mr. Rick Steves this weekend. I know. How exciting is my life? You know you want it.

Old Navy vs. Anthropologie

2010-02-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

Old Navy

Anthropologie

Now let me start out by saying that I love Old Navy. I honestly could not live without it. The kids are almost fully clothed in it. You really can't beat $12 pants and $6 shirts for kids. The clothes last 1 season, but hey that's okay because they grow like weeks. I have even been known to shop the super sales and get stuff for $2-3. You cannot beat that when you are trying to clothe 3 little children.

My big gripe here is that for me Old navy is my arch enemy. I want to shop there. I do shop there. But everytime I am looking for something in particular they seem to only have sizes XXS or XXL. Their clothes are ill fitting on 34DDD boobs and their pants do not take into account my mother of 3 belly. Their dresses end up looking like either potato sacks or maternity dresses on me. Mostly what I buy there are T-shirts, fleece and sweatpants. This has been my uniform this winter. $7 T-shirts, $12 fleeces. and $12 sweatpants. I used to get dressed up. I used to wear more than just a rainbow assortment of the same T-shirt and fleece.

What I haven't decided is, is it because of financial issues (I have no money to spend on anything other than $7 T-shirts) or is it just that I'm in the house every day and I don't need to wear gorgeous dresses like the one above from Anthropologie. Is it a weather issue? I got all dressed up this morning for parent teacher conferences this afternoon only to have to change due to heavy snow flurries that did not work with my fancy Anthropologie swing coat and embroidered silk sweater. I have the fancy clothes, just nothing newer than 2 years. I'm tired of my old clothes, but love them. I want to go into Anthropologie and walk out with $2000 in new stuff like I used to. Those were the days and I miss them dearly. Now it's exciting for me to buy new undies and get that new $7 Old Navy T-shirt. O how times have changed.

Every year when I get the new spring catalog from Anthropologie I think this will be the year that I go back and drop a small fortune on blouses and dresses. Every year I miss out and am depressed for a bit until I realize that every year they will make new clothes and every year there will be a new opportunity to walk out of their big wooden doors with bags and bags of silk, ruffles and embroidery. Just not this spring.

Tomorrow is the BIG day. The 45 business days limit on B of A. I will post an update if there is anything newsworthy.

Monday is on FIRE!!!!!

2010-02-08T11:48:00.000-07:00

Good News!!! There are (or were) guys on my roof this morning. Yea!!!!!!!!!!

My garage door is fixed. I push the button and it opens like magic!

This is going to be a good week. I can feel it in my nuggets.

I thought of a new book idea.

I've decided to stop reading self-help books and to stop self diagnosing myself.

I've decided to do the things that are scaring me. It's so much easier to burn through the fear than to spend tons of $$$$ and time in a therapists office.

I'm going to call that rug guy in Sedona right now.

Severe Anxiety Disorder and Me

2010-02-05T10:47:00.000-07:00

If you go back and read my posts from 2007......Way Back there.... like I did today you might be like....what ever happened to THAT girl?

I was so positive, working on things, actually doing work on a book that would be freaking awesome, looking for new opportunities, and generally a completely different person.

Also it seemed like I was complaining about the same things I'm complaining about now. I hadn't discovered my rug business yet, but was so over architecture even back then.

Go now and read it. I'll wait for you.

See what I mean. Where is that girl? Where is that book proposal? She's still in me somewhere and I still have the book proposal right here on this computer hard drive. All 30 pages of it.

The problem you might ask......... I think I have officially diagnosed myself with a severe anxiety disorder. It's a combo of agorophopia, social anxiety and general anxiety. All of those added together equal a severe anxiety disorder.

I know I have issues. I've had them my whole life. I was even officially diagnosed when I was 19 and on medication and the whole thing. At that time they called it more depression with anxiety, but I would call it depression brought on by anxiety. Now it seems like it's just debilitating anxiety.

I found a book recently at the library and even though it sounds so cheesy to say so... I think I have finally found what is keeping me from getting ahead. I have been getting progressively worse and worse these last few years to the point where I seldom leave my house, stay away from any and all social situations and definitely any new situations. I have a hard time even talking on the phone without having a small panic attack. I had that huge panic attack in November just thinking about trying to get on a plane to Hawaii. It's a complete control thing. If I'm not in control of the situation then I don't want to be a part of it. The only place where I have complete control is here at home and with my home being threatened in more ways than one my only safe haven is almost being taken away from me and that is extremely scary.

I didn't realize that I had gotten so bad until I read this book that pointed it all out to me. I mean I know we are super stressed right now with all the financial issues, the roof, and the loan mod, but I am at the point when I am worrying myself to sleep at night and can't do anything to quiet my mind.

I have made my world so small and I did it all to myself on purpose. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I mean I could definitely go for a bottle of Xanax or Valium just to get me thru the waiting of the loan mod, but I can't afford it or the doctor appointment to get it prescribed.

The book gives good tips for managing the anxiety. To start with I am supposed to realize that anyone would feel stress and anxiety in this situation. The only difference between me and a 'normal' person is how I let that anxiety affect me. Next I need to learn the techniques to quiet my mind. I know those techniques. I learned them when I was 19, but they just don't seem to work anymore.

My only solution is to wait for the loan mod and then use the extra $$$ to get the help that I know that I need so that I can move past this and get back to that awesome girl that I was back in 2007. I can do it. I just have to wait a few more months and then watch out. The bitch is back.

Loan Modification Update # 6

2010-02-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

I called B of A today, not because I knew I was going to get any info, but just because it makes me feel like I am doing something to keep the ball rolling.

I got the same response as last time, but was told that after next Thursday, when our initial 45 business days waiting period is up, we will be put on the expedited list and then we should have a response within 5 business days.

Now I would interpret that as: in two weeks I will know what our new payment and terms will be.

That is a definite date to me. I can sorta live with that. And by some weird fluke we just might get that big envelope before next week. Yeah right.

So unless I post otherwise that we did in fact get that big envelope I will not be able to update again until next Thursday after I call to get on the expedited list.

Bear with me. This should get interesting after next week. I know I am on the edge of my seat in anticipation and you should be too.

Apology

2010-02-04T12:33:00.000-07:00

Okay so I was too pissy.

Facebook is for everyone, not just those of us that post regular status updates. I'm sorry if I offended.

In my defense I just want to know what other people are doing. I'm interested in you. That is a compliment.

Los Angeles Times Travel & Adventure Show

2010-02-01T12:50:00.001-07:00

Los Angeles Times Travel & Adventure Show

This is my dream for next week.

I don't talk about it too much here, but travel shows are like porn to me, so then it follows that Rick Steves would be my Ron Jeremy.

I watch the show religiously, rent the DVD's at the library and have started to collect the Rick Steves travel books, and even frequently put in the promotional Rick Steves European Tour Experience DVD.

Rick will be at the LA Travel and Adventure show at the LA convention center next weekend and my heart is beating out of my chest just thinking about it.

If we have extra money next weekend this is going to be how Carl and I spend Valentine's Day weekend. I can't think of a better way to spend it.

I can just imagine walking the halls of the convention center picking up brochures for Globus, Cunard, Trafalgar, and entering every single free vacation giveaway that I stumble upon. But the highlight will of course be the chance to see Rick Steves live and in person with his brown bowl haircut and early 1990's glasses, the khaki pants and sensible shoes.

He'll of course come up to me and say, "Emily I read your blog all the time, would you please come on staff and add a sassy, girlie perspective to European travel?" and I'll say, " Rick, you had me at hello."

New Month, New Attitude

2010-02-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

So January was craptastic..... the snow storm, the waiting on the banks, the stress from those two things,etc.

I've decided February is going to be good:

1. Bank of America has to get back to us on our loan mod. They have to and that will only bring good news.

2. The roof will get fixed this month. My contractor is supposed to be here tomorrow which means if he starts tomorrow he should finish by the end of the month. I will get my garage door fixed!!!! The past 2 months we have been getting out in the rain and snow to manually pull the door up and down. What a bitch that has been.

3.The kids should have school all month. No snow days and no crazy holidays means time for me at the gym and here in front of my computer writing.

4. I read an awesome book this past weekend......The Purpose of Your Life by Carol Adrienne. It really hit a nerve and reminded me that... Anthing is Possible. Sometimes I forget that and life gets really crappy. That book reminded me. I don't know what is in front of me and I don't have to. I know what I want and it will come to me in some form or another because anything is possible.

So on that note February has no choice but to be awesome and if it isn't then March will kick it's ass.

Writing

2010-01-29T10:47:00.001-07:00

There are 3 things that I love........ architecture, writing, and color and pattern (my rugs).

I know I'm not cut out to be a practicing architect, but that doesn't take away my love for the built environment. If I could make a living as a real estate agent I would just so that I could tour all the houses... forget the clients, I just want the pass to look at every house that is for sale.

I love my rugs and I will pursue them as soon as I've got the $$$ to proceed. Whether it will be a side money making hobby, or a full on designer showroom eventually I have no idea, but I can't stop drawing patterns and coloring them in. I'm good at it.

Writing is the big other thing. I write this blog, I start a million little stories and I read 109 books last year. I can't imagine my life without books. I know my dream is to one day have one of my own books on my shelves, but to devote my self to it full time is a scary idea. I want to. I'm not doing anything else. Maybe this deep crack I'm in career wise is meant for me to be writing. It doesn't cost a thing. I know I can do it. It's easy for me. I just have to decide that I want to do it and step by step work at being a writer. I am a writer. I just have had nothing published....... yet. I try and let it go and yet I always come back to it eventually. If there is something that I feel I was meant to do this would be it. It's hard when you're whole life you see writers as mousy, starving, and depressed. I know that's how they are portrayed on TV and even in books, but if I were to take the one writer that I know personally she would be the exact opposite of all those characteristics listed above. She is endlessly fascinating, bright, vivacious, and seems to make a good living at writing. So why can't I get over this mental block on what a a writer is. There are so many mommy bloggers and mommy writers and though I could definitely be catagorized as one, I would never want to be just another one of those moms who writes and blogs. Maybe that's the difference. I may be a mom first and foremost, but that is not what I write about.

I get so concerned that being a mom is so all consuming for me. I rarley speak to adults other than my husband and a few of my kid's friend's parents. I spend so much time with my kids, but I've found that I rarely write about them. Everybody has kids and we all have the same stories about sicknesses and teachers, and funny things that they've said, that to write about them here or elsewhere seems a little redundant. I write about what I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing. So I guess I couldnt' really be catagorized as a "mommy blogger".

I dont' know what I will write, but I need to write. It's the one thing that will give me the time to spend with my kids, the opportunity to travel where and whenever I want, heck even the ability to live wherever I want. It requires no monetary investement and barely any tools. The only thing that it requires is time, of which I have an overabundance.

No Loan Mod Update

2010-01-28T12:20:00.000-07:00

Waiting, waiting, waiting.....It's driving me crazy.

I'm a little crazy and anxious to begin with, but waiting to hear about our loan modification is making me even more anxious. We need to know Bof A. This bullshit of keeping us waiting 3 months, all the while making payments that are currently 60% of our income is dizzyingly stressful.

I would be fine if we knew that we were going to walk away from the house. At least there would be a plan and days to look forward too when there will be cash in our pockets. But no. That's not the way it works. We wait three-four months to find out if we get a loan modification, what the modification is and then we get a trial period of three months. Then, from what I've heard and read, we have another huge round of waiting and paperwork that not many people make it through in order to make the modification permanent.

I'm trying to stay positive. I'm reading up on all my positive thinking strrategies, but thinking good thoughts about Bank of America is really hard to do. I've still got two more weeks before I can call again to get put on the expedited list. I keep hoping it won't take that long and one of these days I'll get a huge envelope in the mail, or an express envelope from UPS. Then I can breathe easy and know what the future holds. I like to be able to plan things at laest 3-4 months out as far as finances go and this is wrecking any and all new year planning. I can't handle it. I have to be in control and know what is going on and this is throwing a wrench into my system.

Free Architecture.... Again

2010-01-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

So I've been getting a lot of hits on my post from last year regarding Free Architecture Advice. I'm still game. I will try and respond as quickly as possible, but with all the crap going on around here. It might take a little while (sorry Melissa T.).

Now don't get too excited about what you're going to get for free. Legally there are things I can and can't give away free. Hit me with your best questions and we'll see what happens.

If it is something major like a foundation, beam, or roof issue, most likely my response is going to be call a registered architect or structural engineer in your city/state.

If it's a design issue and it doesn't involve me creating pages and pages of intricate drawings I'll throw you my best design opinion.

If you've got a question about the process of working with an architect, engineer, or your local building department, hell yeah, I'll walk you through it.

This should be fun.

I was just telling one of my out of work architect friends that with all the out of work architects we should be doing something architecture related even if we aren't getting paid for it. Of course my first option was helping to rebuild Haiti, but they aren't anywhere near rebuilding. But with all of us architects out there just chomping at the bit to do something in our field, free architecture seems the way to go.

Are we undervaluing our services? Shit yeah, but there are still people out there that need design help.

The Aftermath

2010-01-24T15:37:00.001-07:00

The Bookstore

The Ice Rink

We are still digging out. I am hoping that there is school tomorrow or else I will go insane.

Photos courtesy of the AZ Daily Sun.

Rambling Winter Post

2010-01-23T11:26:00.000-07:00

I am beyond frustrated. Why does it have to be this hard? The snow isn't helping. The children being home for the past 9 days isn't helping. My weeks are filled with doing things for other people. I guess that's fine. I am a mother and that is supposed to be my job. I'm good at that job. The only problem is that it doesn't pay a dime. I help my husband, pay the bills, shop, make lunches and dinner and breakfasts, do the laundry, shovel when I can, do the books for 2 different businesses and that is all that I do.

Every so often I get time to come here and update things and talk about what I would really like to be doing, but it just seems like a far away dream. What if I had a lot of architecture projects? What if my rug business was going strong? What if I was writing and getting published? Who would take care of the businesses? Who would take care of the kids, stay home with them when they are sick or have a week of snow days? Who would help my husband deliver packages when he is overwhelmed? Who would open the check cashing business when my parents are out of town? But what if I was busy and everyone just found someone else to help them? What if I wasn't available to help at the drop of a pin and come running to everyone's call? Would they just find another way to do it themselves? Would they resent the fact that I couldn't help?

I don't know. All I know is that I want to do something for myself and be successful at it. I want to take care of my husband and my kids and be there for them and still be able to do something that is mine. I want to have money again. It has been so long. I want to do things other than sit here and write. I want to be able to shop places other than Target, Safeway, and the used book store (which is now non-existant). I want more and I don't know how to get it from where I am at and I need help that only money seems to be able to buy.

I'm a downer today, but it gets old seeing other people succeed while I flounder. I feel like I'm trapped and can't find my way out of the life that I have created for myself. I think the first step in moving on will be getting rid of this giant house and the money pit that it seems to be for us. I'm torn. I love this house, but I'm not willing to give up on the other things that I want just in order to keep this monstrous house. Would we just be doing it for the money? Will money really make us happier if in order to get that money we have to give up the stability of owning a home? I don't know. Is it greed that keeps us here with all of our things, or will it be greed that moves us from this house back down the ladder to renting.

Arghhhh. I miss those days so long ago when we had a rent payment of $600, a cute little apartment in downtown Fullerton within walking distance of everything, 1 cute fat little baby, and the world was our oyster.

Snow, Dooce on HGTV, and me

2010-01-23T10:59:00.000-07:00

First off let me say that there is over 5' of snow in my yard and surrounding my house. FIVE FEET OF SNOW. It is ridiculous and it is dangerous and it is stifling. It's not safe for the kids to play outside. There are loaders and graders and tractors everywhere trying to move the snow..... but move it where? The piles are already over 8' high on the sides of my garage. My husband is out now on a Saturday trying to deliver packages, but the snow plows are nowhere near getting to the residential neighborhoods in town. He will be backed up all week and out delivering until 8:00 pm. It's going to be another long week. Oh and did I mention that two of my favorite places are non-existant anymore due to roof collapses...... the ice rink and Bookmans have been demolished by the weight of 5' of snow on their roofs. I doubt they will be built again due to the horrible economy.

I was also stunned to learn the Dooce, aka Heather Armstrong, just got a delvelopment deal with HGTV. What the hell is that? She's a graphic designer. How does that have anything to do with Home and Garden Television? I have no idea. I am flabbergasted. I am stunned that she able to live on her advertising revenue for a blog that,while entertaining, does not seem enough to make a living on. It is mind botteling to quote Will Farrell. I write this little blog. I like to think that I am somewhat amusing and entertaining, but how do I get to where Dooce is?

I am an architect so what do I have to do to get my own show on HGTV? My first show pitch would be called, "Your Neighbor's House". It would have all the voyeurism of House Hunters, only it would just be ordinary people who sent in pictures of amazing houses in their neighborhood that they have always wanted to see the inside of. Is it the giant mansion on the lake?, the crazy haunted looking house on the corner, or the reclusive author who lives on the hill?. We all have houses in our own neighborhoods that we wonder about, and this show would be a chance to peek inside them. I would be the host of course and maybe it would even document the phone call or meeting of HGTV asking the unsuspecting homowners if the cameras and the neighbor could come in for a look around.

Heather Armstrong...... I love her blog, but HGTV? That seems a bit of a stretch. Call me HGTV and the above mentioned show can be yours.

But What About the Rugs?

2010-01-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

I know, I know....what happened to my rugs. I have a ton of excuses. The holidays, the roof, the loan mod, the snow days........ but what it really comes down to is money.

I want to do the rest of my rug stuuf credit card free. It is really putting a damper on moving things forward. I was using my architecture income to pay for everything and now that I have no architecture income I'm at a standstill.

By my estimation I need around $5000 to get it off the ground, to pay for some nice brochures and get my samples made in Nepal. Until that time I am sitting and waiting.

I did however talk to a guy in town who said he would be more than happy to carry my rugs in his store if I can bring him the above mentioned brochures and samples.

I'm close, but not so close that I can actually touch it yet. It's frustrating. I will get there, but it will take time, money, and patience.

In the meantime this is what I've got on the rack right now.

Arizona Snow

2010-01-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

Too much snow.

The calm between the storms.

Trying to build a fort, but it's too bright.

This is what it looks like at my house. I'm betting there will be no school all week. So far everyday this week around 3:00 the dark clouds roll in and it starts to snow. We wake up in the morning to another 8-12 inches. It's just enough to have to shovel out again each and every morning. I guess it's better than getting 4' without a break. As I sit at my desk now I can seet he clouds coming in from the west. The worst storm is supposed to start tomorrow.

The kids are restless. They want to play outside, but it is so cold and wet that I can't let them play more than an hour or so or they are soaked to the bone.

The onlt good thing to come out of the snow storms is that I have had more than enough time to get through almost all of The Lord of the Rings trilogy. I don't know how I would have found the time otherwise.

Chris Isaak European Tour

2010-01-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

I just got an e-mail saying that Chris Isaak will be touring Europe this summer.

Big sigh.

That is what I should be doing this summer..... flying to Paris to see Chris Isaak and the guys. Maybe even following them to Nice or maybe Rome. That's the life I want to lead. I'm just not sure how to get there from the path that I'm on now.

Loan Mod, B of A, and Fridge

2010-01-19T12:30:00.002-07:00

Updates Updates Updates

1. I called B of A this morning to try and find out where our loan modification is at. I applied Wednesday December 9th. At that time I was told it could take UP TO 45 days to receive word back from them. When I called this am the woman told me she could do nothing for me since it had not been 45 business days. It has been only 28 business days. According to my calculations I can call back again on the 11th of February if I have not heard anything. At that point in time I am supposed to call back in to the bank and I will be put on the expedited list.

Now when I first called I was under the impression that we would be done with this process in 45 days and now I'm told the 45 days is something like a holding bin where all good homeowners are told to continue making payments or else you will not be able to get a loan modification. Then after the 45 days you move into another 'expedited' holding bin. I'm not sure, the woman wouldn't tell me what happens or what the time frame is after the 45 days. It could take another 6 months to finalize a loan modification. No wonder so many people are just walking away. This process is ridiculous. It shouldn't be that hard to look at my bank statements, take my payments down to 33% of my income and write up a new contract. If it is that hard then I suggest that Bank of America and all other banks hire a few extra people with their bailout money to process these applications. It would be money well spent.

Also this is a juicy little tidbit. There is no direct phone number to the loan modification department. I asked and they couldn't give me one. You have to call the general customer service, wait for five minutes to talk to someone who will then transfer you to the MHA department where you will wait another 5-10 minutes waiting to talk to someone. Very shady if you ask me. If I've filled out the application and I'm in the middle of the process the very least they could do is give me a direct line to that department. I suppose it's like that to deter people from calling. What B of A doesn't know is that I've got nothing but time and I'll ride their asses to the very end of this process.

2. The roof. We got our first check for the roof last Thursday. There is now a pile of pallets and shingles in front driveway. The only problem is that currently they are covered by a foot of snow and by Friday they should be covered with 3-4 feet of snow. It's putting a real glitch in actually getting guys on the roof. Till next week on that one.

3. I'm not in the mood to update Fridge. Writing all the bull crap above has made me cranky. It's a snow day and there are 5 children running around wild in my house and I don't think I can leave them unsupervised much longer.

Fridge

2010-01-14T13:01:00.000-07:00

This is Fridge. The one in front looking at the camera, snuggled up on top of his dear brother Rupert.

Today I came home from taking the boys to school and going to the gym to find a trail of blood all over the house. Upstairs, downstairs, on the stairs, everywhere. It looked like one of the kids had had a bloody nose, but after searching around and finding all the cats, I found Fridge hiding in my office under the chair with a huge bloody mess around his neck. It was too much even for me to invstigate and I immediately called the vet who were able to see him right away.

After shaving away all the hair on his neck it was discovered that something had full on open jaw bitten him on either side of his neck. He'll be at the vet all day for clean up, draining, and stitches.

It's fine, he's a cat. These things happen. But what I can't wrap my head around is who did it. To my knowledge he hasn't been out of the house for days. Sunday was the last time we let anyone out. I would be fine with a neighborhood cat getting into a scrape with him, or even if a mountain lion or a rough dog got a hold of him, but it is looking more and more like it was either his own brother, my beloved Rupert, or our other cat, affectionately called Baby Kitty.

This hurts my brain. They play, they sleep together, they eat together. They are old, like 6 years, and they don't fight that hard, or they shouldn't. I've seen them bat at each other, but only in a playful way. I just can't imagine one of them hurting the other this badly. It just seems impossible. I was home all day yesterday and the day before. I think I would have remembered a scuffle that big.

I'm a big cat person, but I'm not a pet person who coddles and nurses pets like children. They are animals, not people. But for right now, since I know Fridge is going to be okay, I am more upset at the thought of them hurting each other than anything else. Fridge is a sweet guy, not the brightest, and he keeps to himself and runs if there is any danger, loud noise or threat. I just can't imagine him provoking an attack of this kind. I may be humanizing them here and that is where I apologize. I don't usually do this, but brothers don't bite their brothers.

Watch out for your Sweater Puppies

2010-01-12T13:06:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I'm at the gym and I am blindsided at the top of the stairs by a poor girl who is desperately in need of a good sports bra, and not the kind that you buy at Target, but this kind as shown above, a $70, no bounce, bullet proof sports bra.

This girl was maybe 25, about 30 pounds over weight, thick, but not obese, and she had some good sized jugs that looked like they were about to fly off her torso she was bouncing so badly. My jaw dropped. That is not how you treat your girls at all. It was painful to watch. She was jogging at a decent pace, but looked like a newbie to the sport. I mean she would have to be. No serious runner or jogger would let her boobs flap around like that.

I was distracted the whole time I was on the treadmill. I desperately wanted to stop her and say,

"Look I've got big boobs too and you are wrecking yours not to mention the fact that it's almost pronographic to watch you run. You need to go out and get yourself a good bra. Try Athleta, the 4 barbell bras for high impact workouts. It will be easier to run, your back won't hurt afterward, and your boobs won't be down to your knees in 5 years."

I kept practicing over and over in my head how I was goign to say it too her while I was walking. I kept hoping one of the physical therapists that own the gym was going to come out and say something to her. That's their job, right?

In the end I couldn't do it. I chickened out. My fear of being kicked out of the gym for harrasing another gym member was too overwhelming. Is there even a polite way to say that to someone else without hurting their feelings. It's almost a Dear Abby moment.

I know when I was young and had big boobs no one pulled me aside and told me that big girls can't buy bras at Target. You have to buy the expensive ones. It would have been nice to know that when I was younger. So maybe I would be doing her a favor. She might not appreciate it right away, but over time she would see the error of her ways and realize that I was only trying to help her.

Anyway I walked away and it is still bothering me. Someone has to do something to help this poor girl. If I see her again maybe I'll get up the courage or maybe just leave an Athleta catalog lying around the locker room.

Roof vs. Bank of America

2010-01-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

Still we have no check from B of A. I called again today and was told that someone has approved a disbursement, and if it makes it to someone else's desk by this afternoon they might cut a check tomorrow, and then on Monday they might put it in the mail, so by next Friday we might, MIGHT, have a check, so maybe we will be able to start repairs on Monday the 18th.

How in any way shape or form does this protect Bank fo America's investment in my home?

I have been without a roof now for over a month while they dick around with my money. Luckily there have only been 2 snowstorms and freeze thaw cycles on my unprotected roof. I may be a little bit niave on this, but beaurocracy seems a little redundant.

I was watching Office Space the other night and this is how I imagine the vast corridors of Bank of America. They pay a crapload of people way too much money to stamp a form, send the form to Atlanta, where it is again stamped, and then signed by someone else with a large paycheck, all of whom don't give a rat's ass that my house is without a roof. As long as they have a job that does nothing and provides nothing to society.

Why can't you just trust that I am indeed going to put a roof back on my house? Am I going to leave my fancy $680,000 house without a roof? Am I going to runaway to Europe or Costa Rica and live the rest of my life in luxury on my $20,000 insurance money? Come on? Who does that? Really? Is it the people who legitimately lose their roofs in a wind storm/blizzard? I don't think so.

This part of the process is fun, but just wait until we have to call a week in advance for an inspection by a Bank of America inspector and then start the process all over again to get a 2nd check that will probably take just as long.

I am just beside myself in frustration and sick to death of banks.

I have figured out that unless you pay cash for your home and own it outright you don't really own your house at all, the bank does. You're just babysitting their investment, not yours.

When we get out of this mess, both the roof repairs and the Loan Modification, I am going to work my ass off to get out from under every single bank that has a hold on us. Credit cards will never be used again, cars will be paid for in cash, and so will our house in Mexico/France when we retire.

We will move to our very own cash only bank..... that's right our check cashing business. All cash all the time, and the banks can just suck it. I hope they all go under.

Bon Iver

2010-01-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

This is Bon Iver, aka Justin Vernon.

He can make me cry.

He can make me think of things I haven't thought of in years and make me break down in tears thinking of things from 10 years ago.

His music is that powerful.

I didn't like it at first. We got this album last summer and it's just not summer music. He had a track on the New Moon soundtrack and it made me listen to it again. Some song came on in the middle of a dark snowy afternoon and it all just clicked together. This is winter time music, new year music, reflective music, philisophical music. Now I can't stop listening to it and I wish we had more than 10 tracks from him.

I haven't read his full bio, but this guy seems to have a deep soul. I think he recorded this album in the middle of a lengthy self imposed exile in the woods of Wisconsin. I think that is why it speaks to me so deelpy here in my lengthy self imposed exile deep in the mountains of Arizona.

Yesterday night while baking cookies and listening to his album I came to the very earth shattering conclusion that the reason why I have a hard time being an architect, getting my rugs off the ground, the reason why I don't understand how any woman can be a good mother and work full time is that... for me it is just not possible. It is just all that I can handle to take care of this big house, my three kids, and attempt to be a supporting wife. If I take on too much more I will slip right over the edge of sanity and I live way too close to that edge now. Maybe other women are better equipped to deal with a professional life, maybe they have better behaved children, maybe their husbands are home more to help out, maybe they can afford to hire help.

But for me this is all I can handle and most days I have a hard time keeping it all together. And that is okay.

That's the earth shattering part.......it's okay. I don't have to do everything. If this is all I can do right now, that is okay.

Sorry to be so deep, but I fully blame it on Bon Iver, the snow, and lack of any good shows on TV to keep my mind occupied.

Considering my Options

2010-01-04T12:15:00.000-07:00

It's January and I am usally really good about making a few resolutions, but this year I'm stuck in a weird limbo that makes it hard to buckle down and guess what it is that I might want from this new year.

Things could remain the same for the most part.... we could get great loan modification, be able to stay in our house, I'll pick up a few projects here and there and we will muddle through with shipping, check cashing, rugs, and architecture. I'll work extra hard to pay off our credit cards and we'll be well on our way to being debt free with money for college, retirement, and vacations in a few years.

Or things could change drastically.... we won't get the loan modification and we'll deed the house back to the bank, move into a nice rental house for a few years, pay off all our debts a little bit faster. Then we will reconsider our options. Stay here in Flag?, throw caution to the wind and move someplace warmer?, try our hands at some new careers?, who knows.

One path seems predictable and stable, the other path seems scary and exciting.

I'm trying to visiualize what it would be like to be a "cog in the machine" as I like to call it. I want to add something to the everyday vital function of people.... a mail carrier, a teacher, a 911 operator. I don't get that feeling doing what I do now and I think it might be fun to try just once.

On the other hand I miss being an architect. I don't miss the city and the uneducated clients, but I miss the buildings and the contractors. I love the smell of lumber and drywall. I miss floorplans and trying to make the spaces fit together like puzzle pieces.

I still haven't found my place in this world other than being a wife and mother. There is something else out there that I need to do to add to society and I need to find it. My mind changes daily on what the one thing could be. I still want to write and I still want to have something to do with buildings and my rugs as well, but I'm confused.

So, this year my resolutions will be up in the air. When I look back next January there will not be anything to cross off my list and say that I have accomplished. I just need to be able to look back and see that I have done something, anything that makes me feel like I am contributing to society other than raising cool, somewhat polite children.

MHA Loan Modification and the Missing Roof

2009-12-30T14:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a while.

The roof is still missing although I did get a contractor to come out and remove the twisted metal and put down some protective stuff over the plywood. It has been 3 weeks since the storm. The adjuster finally came and now we are in the midst of trying to get the generous check endorsed by both our 1st and 2nd mortgage company. They will then dole out the money in small amounts, send an inspector (to verify that we are indeed repairing our house instead of pocketing the insurance money), overall I think we may have our roof repaired by March or April. I am not joking. Apparently Bank of America's idea of protecting their investment is to leave the house without a roof as long as possible. If I could just cash the check and have $20,000 in cash to flash in front of a contractor I would have the roof fixed by now, but NOOOOOO that's not the way it works. I guess some families would just keep the money and live with no roof? WTF?

In bigger news, while I was on hold with the mortgage company trying to report our insurance claim, in listening to the sales pitches on hold I learned that my family does indeed qualify for the fabulous Making Home Affordable Program. Yea!!

We fully qualify for a loan modification. The process is long and arduous. I have filled out all the paper work, copied tax returns, bank statements and profit and loss statements for the businesses (yet another reason why I have not been blogging), bundled everything up and sent it off certified mail. Now all we ahve to do is wait up to 45 business days, 9 weeks, to find out what Bof A is going to offer us. If they do what they are supposed to do our loan payment plus taxes and insurance will be under $2500/month. That would be such a load off.

Now before some of you hard core Republicans and other banking nuckleheads start reading me the riot act I want to put in my two cents on the whole loan modification thing.

1. We don't have a weird loan. We put down a full 20% when we bought this house in 06. It is a regular loan with a fixed interest rate. We qualified for the loan and had the income to support it when we bought the house.

2. We cannot sell our house. We bought it for $680,000 and currently owe about $580,000. According to Zillow our house is worth somewhere between $450-480,000.

3. Our income has decreased significantly due to the banking industry shutting down all loans and the housing market collapsing. I therefore fully blame the banks for our lack of income. Two of our businesses are related to housing and construction. My architecture business is dead because no one is building at all. Our check cashing business is down 60% because none of the plumbers, drywallers, painters, etc are working or cashing checks.

Due to the above points I fully believe that we should take advantage of the MHA program. I'll keep you all updated on the progress and see if we get screwed around with by Bank of America this is where I will air their dirty laundry.

Till next week.

Flagstaff Blizzard

2009-12-09T11:05:00.000-07:00

This has been my week so far. Very Shitty to say the least.

One of the worst nights of my life was Monday December 9th. The blizzard was predicted, so we were somewhat prepared, but it was worse than we thought it would be for us in particular.

School was let out early and all parents were instructed to come and pick up the kids since the busses would not be running. Luckily I had just made a run to Sams Club and picked up all kinds of crap in addition to buying batteries that I had no idea how much we would need later.

We all went to bed as usual, but I was still awake when it all started to go down at 11:00 pm. The power went out since the wind was howling around 30-40 mph. Then the fire/smoke alarms went off and continued to go off for the next 6 hours. Obviously all the children woke up in histerics and Carl pulled on some pants to see what he could do to stop them which turned out to be nothing at all.

The alarms are hard wired. While the power was out we could take out the batteries of the alarms downstairs that we could reach, but the upstairs 16 foot vaulted ceilings we could not get to since the 20' ladder is stored outside under the porch.

We moved all the kids downstairs to sleep on the couch where it was somewhat quieter and I put big hats on all of them to try and protect their eardrums.

I even called our local fire house and they had no idea how to turn off the alarms. Once the power wnet back on all the alarms started going off again since they had power. Carl even ventured out in the now 60 mph winds and blowing snow to turn of the main power and that didn't even work.

Somewhere in the midst of all this we heard a loud creak and were suprised to see that a huge piece of our roof ripped off. I was scared to death to see where the peices had landed since we couldn't see a thing out the windows due to the blizzard.

We woke up the next morning and this is what we saw. State Farm has been anything but helpful in getting it taken care of. We have been told it could be a week before a claims adjuster gets out here. Awesome. They really know how to get shit done. In the meantime I'm trying to find a contractor to come and get the loose pieces off the roof and tyvac the thing before the next storm hits on Friday.

This could be the thing that takes our house from us. I don't have the $4400 deductable to get it fixed. The credit cards are maxed out and I am at a loss as to what to do. I'm trying to be cheerful, but this is not going to be a good Christmas.

Oh and did I mention that we also need to replace our garage door. Carl closed the door again after one of the kids left their snow shovel in the jamb and it bend and shattered all the glass in the door.

This is the best week ever.

Holiday Update

2009-11-30T13:12:00.000-07:00

I know I'm slacking off. The kids have been home too much lately and it is so distracting. It's like they want to be entertained constantly. It's strange that a playroom full of toys, every movie and vidoe game known to man, 250 DirecTV channels, and even a neighborhood full of kids their own age is not enough for them. I have to constantly feed them, look at what it is that they are coloring, building, watching, referee continuous battles over red crayons, lego guys, and tv channels. I can close the door to my office, but as soon as I do someone comes in and wants to sit on my lap or wants another snack. So I give up and just sit with them and stay in the middle of it all and get nothing done.

I tried the NaNoWri Mo, but failed. I got up to 23,000 words out of 50,000, but I fell off track when the kids and I got sick mid-month. I had previously thought that I was going to spend the month of November just and only focusing on my rugs, but trying to split it between that and writing for 2 hours a day didn't work. So for the next three weeks I am all rugs all the time and will come out the week before Christmas with a brochure of some sorts that I can take down to Phoenix or mail to architects and interior designers in January. I have to do it. My goal is simply to make people aware of what I am doing. I'm going to start tufting rug #2 this week, and like I said work on some promotional materials to get the word out.

I hate that kind of stuff, but I have to start somewhere and let people know that I am a rug maker and an awesome designer.

It's Like Magic

2009-11-19T11:55:00.000-07:00

Check this out........ I can now add photos from my digital camera. After talking about it forever I finally have it up and running. Basically it came down to finding the drivers for our really old Canon Rebel. I found it!!! I installed it!!! I am not mentally challenged, it just took me forever.

Here's an awesom shot of one of my little ones at the Grand Canyon.

Here's another one of my little architects and their back yard forts.

And just for fun here is my dear husband in his cracker hat riding around in his cracker car, the old Ford.

It's like a whole new world has opened up. It's totally blowing my mind. Pathetic huh?

Sick with the Flu?

2009-11-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

I'm sick and I am running a fever for fourth day in a row. I'm doing the best I can with a cocktail of Extra Strength Tylenol, Mucinex DM, and Nyquil. So far so good. I have no idea if this is the regular flu or the Swine flu. All I know is that I'm sick and I hate being sick. Yesterday it hurt to look at the TV. That is really sick for me. All I could do was listen. Today I'm up and trying to work thru the pain. I'm actually wearing pants and going to try and go thru the motions of a regular day and not give in to the sickness. That usually helps for me. I gave the flu two full days to drag me down and now it's my turn. The kids still have to go to school when I"m sick, dinner still has to be made, and laundry still needs to be folded.
Today I'm catching up and moving forward. I'm going to try to kick ass and take names.
Until Wednesday.

I Always Get What I Want

2009-11-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

It's completely done!! Now I just need someone to buy it or a place to sell it. I now have 3 rugs in my entryway. Too many? In most houses yes, but in my house, no, not at all.

I'm excited. The rug is a little rough on the back, but it was an experiment. The canvas is too heavy. The next one I'm going to use something called monk's cloth that is lighter and less dense. For a first try I think it's pretty damn good. It doesn't have to look good on the back anyway. It's the front we're looking at.

My new mantra for this month is "Walk a different path".

I'm doing things a little differently this month. Less reading, more writing. Less complaining and more doing.
When I sed to sit in my architecture office all day and hate on my life I would often write about the things I really wanted to do. I have fully come tothe conclusion that I am doing all of them now.

1. I write and hopefully it will be a sellable book some day. I feel so much less guilty about not following one of dreams. Writing makes me feel like I'm playing the lottery, only I have more control over the numbers that are picked.

2. I am full on making my rugs. Note "making" them, not selling them yet. I have a creative output which feels awesome. In architecture I hardly ever got any say in what my clients were building, if the project got built at all. Making rugs give me almost immediate satisfaction of seeing something I designed being fabricated. The feeling is exhilirating.

3. At the beginning of the year I wrote down one of my New Year's Resolutions was to "Stop yelling at the kids so much". Giving up my office and the stress of working as an architect has had a direct impact on my stress and therefore the amount of stress I can handle from the kids. I'm not stressed about getting to a meeting, someone getting sick and preventing me from making a deadline, or snow days. I am on a much more even keel when it comes to the kids. I am not stressed about helping them with homework, play dates, school programs, and now since I finally sub-leased my office last week, the financial drain of keeping up an office is gone. I no longer yell at my kids like I used to. AWESOME.

4. The gym. If I had to create the perfect day it would be take the kids to school, go to the gym, come home eat lunch, write, work on my rugs, pick up kids from school. I am doing all of that today. I am living my perfect day.

Now to take things to the next level I need two more things: I need my husband home with me for at least part of the day. The next thing I need is to be paid for at least one of my two creative endeavors. Time will get me there. I always get what I want.

NaNoWriMo

2009-11-04T12:43:00.000-07:00

I am participating in National Novel Writing Month this November. Right this very second I am writing this because I am stuck in writing my 2500 words for the day. If you want to know more about what I'm writing then check out my other blog http://emilyjweaver.blogspot.com/.

Hopefully I will finish and things will all work out well and the book will become a Blockbuster Bestseller and then the movie rights will be bought and it will be turned into an awesome action flick staring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Today the new wool for my next rug arrives. Once I've gotten it up on teh rack I'll post pictures. It will be even cooler than the first rug and I might even try and go bigger.

That's all the news for now. I've got nothing to rant about today. Althougth I could start raving about the new gym I just joined. I went for the first time this morning and WOW. Their treadmills are so much nicer than mine at home. Here I can never go above 3.5 mph, but on the gym treadmills I was up at a whopping 4.4. I guess my old one just has too many miles on it. I think I've had it for the past 6 years. Anyway the gym was awesome, aside from locking all my stuff into a locker I couldn't get back unlocked, it really pushes me harder to see all the other moms and old people on thier treadmills. I did an extra 5 minutes just to look good and like I said pushed it all the way up to 4.4.... not quite a run, but a good walk that doesn't make my boobs bounce too much.

I joined to try and conteract my perfectly valid excuse of it being too cold in the house to use my treadmill November through March. I usually give it up every winter because it is seriously only 40-55 degrees in our bedroom in the winter and I jsut can't get on that thing in those temperatures. Not working out in the winter along with regular holiday eating usually means that by March I've got an extra 5 lbs to work off. I always get it off, but this year I should maintain my perfectly rounded mom physique.

Enough procrastinating. back to my 2500 words.