Good News!!! There are (or were) guys on my roof this morning. Yea!!!!!!!!!!
My garage door is fixed. I push the button and it opens like magic!
This is going to be a good week. I can feel it in my nuggets.
I thought of a new book idea.
I've decided to stop reading self-help books and to stop self diagnosing myself.
I've decided to do the things that are scaring me. It's so much easier to burn through the fear than to spend tons of $$$$ and time in a therapists office.
I'm going to call that rug guy in Sedona right now.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Severe Anxiety Disorder and Me
If you go back and read my posts from 2007......Way Back there.... like I did today you might be like....what ever happened to THAT girl?
I was so positive, working on things, actually doing work on a book that would be freaking awesome, looking for new opportunities, and generally a completely different person.
Also it seemed like I was complaining about the same things I'm complaining about now. I hadn't discovered my rug business yet, but was so over architecture even back then.
Go now and read it. I'll wait for you.
See what I mean. Where is that girl? Where is that book proposal? She's still in me somewhere and I still have the book proposal right here on this computer hard drive. All 30 pages of it.
The problem you might ask......... I think I have officially diagnosed myself with a severe anxiety disorder. It's a combo of agorophopia, social anxiety and general anxiety. All of those added together equal a severe anxiety disorder.
I know I have issues. I've had them my whole life. I was even officially diagnosed when I was 19 and on medication and the whole thing. At that time they called it more depression with anxiety, but I would call it depression brought on by anxiety. Now it seems like it's just debilitating anxiety.
I found a book recently at the library and even though it sounds so cheesy to say so... I think I have finally found what is keeping me from getting ahead. I have been getting progressively worse and worse these last few years to the point where I seldom leave my house, stay away from any and all social situations and definitely any new situations. I have a hard time even talking on the phone without having a small panic attack. I had that huge panic attack in November just thinking about trying to get on a plane to Hawaii. It's a complete control thing. If I'm not in control of the situation then I don't want to be a part of it. The only place where I have complete control is here at home and with my home being threatened in more ways than one my only safe haven is almost being taken away from me and that is extremely scary.
I didn't realize that I had gotten so bad until I read this book that pointed it all out to me. I mean I know we are super stressed right now with all the financial issues, the roof, and the loan mod, but I am at the point when I am worrying myself to sleep at night and can't do anything to quiet my mind.
I have made my world so small and I did it all to myself on purpose. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I mean I could definitely go for a bottle of Xanax or Valium just to get me thru the waiting of the loan mod, but I can't afford it or the doctor appointment to get it prescribed.
The book gives good tips for managing the anxiety. To start with I am supposed to realize that anyone would feel stress and anxiety in this situation. The only difference between me and a 'normal' person is how I let that anxiety affect me. Next I need to learn the techniques to quiet my mind. I know those techniques. I learned them when I was 19, but they just don't seem to work anymore.
My only solution is to wait for the loan mod and then use the extra $$$ to get the help that I know that I need so that I can move past this and get back to that awesome girl that I was back in 2007. I can do it. I just have to wait a few more months and then watch out. The bitch is back.
I was so positive, working on things, actually doing work on a book that would be freaking awesome, looking for new opportunities, and generally a completely different person.
Also it seemed like I was complaining about the same things I'm complaining about now. I hadn't discovered my rug business yet, but was so over architecture even back then.
Go now and read it. I'll wait for you.
See what I mean. Where is that girl? Where is that book proposal? She's still in me somewhere and I still have the book proposal right here on this computer hard drive. All 30 pages of it.
The problem you might ask......... I think I have officially diagnosed myself with a severe anxiety disorder. It's a combo of agorophopia, social anxiety and general anxiety. All of those added together equal a severe anxiety disorder.
I know I have issues. I've had them my whole life. I was even officially diagnosed when I was 19 and on medication and the whole thing. At that time they called it more depression with anxiety, but I would call it depression brought on by anxiety. Now it seems like it's just debilitating anxiety.
I found a book recently at the library and even though it sounds so cheesy to say so... I think I have finally found what is keeping me from getting ahead. I have been getting progressively worse and worse these last few years to the point where I seldom leave my house, stay away from any and all social situations and definitely any new situations. I have a hard time even talking on the phone without having a small panic attack. I had that huge panic attack in November just thinking about trying to get on a plane to Hawaii. It's a complete control thing. If I'm not in control of the situation then I don't want to be a part of it. The only place where I have complete control is here at home and with my home being threatened in more ways than one my only safe haven is almost being taken away from me and that is extremely scary.
I didn't realize that I had gotten so bad until I read this book that pointed it all out to me. I mean I know we are super stressed right now with all the financial issues, the roof, and the loan mod, but I am at the point when I am worrying myself to sleep at night and can't do anything to quiet my mind.
I have made my world so small and I did it all to myself on purpose. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I mean I could definitely go for a bottle of Xanax or Valium just to get me thru the waiting of the loan mod, but I can't afford it or the doctor appointment to get it prescribed.
The book gives good tips for managing the anxiety. To start with I am supposed to realize that anyone would feel stress and anxiety in this situation. The only difference between me and a 'normal' person is how I let that anxiety affect me. Next I need to learn the techniques to quiet my mind. I know those techniques. I learned them when I was 19, but they just don't seem to work anymore.
My only solution is to wait for the loan mod and then use the extra $$$ to get the help that I know that I need so that I can move past this and get back to that awesome girl that I was back in 2007. I can do it. I just have to wait a few more months and then watch out. The bitch is back.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Loan Modification Update # 6
I called B of A today, not because I knew I was going to get any info, but just because it makes me feel like I am doing something to keep the ball rolling.
I got the same response as last time, but was told that after next Thursday, when our initial 45 business days waiting period is up, we will be put on the expedited list and then we should have a response within 5 business days.
Now I would interpret that as: in two weeks I will know what our new payment and terms will be.
That is a definite date to me. I can sorta live with that. And by some weird fluke we just might get that big envelope before next week. Yeah right.
So unless I post otherwise that we did in fact get that big envelope I will not be able to update again until next Thursday after I call to get on the expedited list.
Bear with me. This should get interesting after next week. I know I am on the edge of my seat in anticipation and you should be too.
I got the same response as last time, but was told that after next Thursday, when our initial 45 business days waiting period is up, we will be put on the expedited list and then we should have a response within 5 business days.
Now I would interpret that as: in two weeks I will know what our new payment and terms will be.
That is a definite date to me. I can sorta live with that. And by some weird fluke we just might get that big envelope before next week. Yeah right.
So unless I post otherwise that we did in fact get that big envelope I will not be able to update again until next Thursday after I call to get on the expedited list.
Bear with me. This should get interesting after next week. I know I am on the edge of my seat in anticipation and you should be too.
Apology
Okay so I was too pissy.
Facebook is for everyone, not just those of us that post regular status updates. I'm sorry if I offended.
In my defense I just want to know what other people are doing. I'm interested in you. That is a compliment.
Facebook is for everyone, not just those of us that post regular status updates. I'm sorry if I offended.
In my defense I just want to know what other people are doing. I'm interested in you. That is a compliment.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Los Angeles Times Travel & Adventure Show
Los Angeles Times Travel & Adventure Show
This is my dream for next week.
I don't talk about it too much here, but travel shows are like porn to me, so then it follows that Rick Steves would be my Ron Jeremy.
I watch the show religiously, rent the DVD's at the library and have started to collect the Rick Steves travel books, and even frequently put in the promotional Rick Steves European Tour Experience DVD.
Rick will be at the LA Travel and Adventure show at the LA convention center next weekend and my heart is beating out of my chest just thinking about it.
If we have extra money next weekend this is going to be how Carl and I spend Valentine's Day weekend. I can't think of a better way to spend it.
I can just imagine walking the halls of the convention center picking up brochures for Globus, Cunard, Trafalgar, and entering every single free vacation giveaway that I stumble upon. But the highlight will of course be the chance to see Rick Steves live and in person with his brown bowl haircut and early 1990's glasses, the khaki pants and sensible shoes.
He'll of course come up to me and say, "Emily I read your blog all the time, would you please come on staff and add a sassy, girlie perspective to European travel?" and I'll say, " Rick, you had me at hello."
This is my dream for next week.
I don't talk about it too much here, but travel shows are like porn to me, so then it follows that Rick Steves would be my Ron Jeremy.
I watch the show religiously, rent the DVD's at the library and have started to collect the Rick Steves travel books, and even frequently put in the promotional Rick Steves European Tour Experience DVD.
Rick will be at the LA Travel and Adventure show at the LA convention center next weekend and my heart is beating out of my chest just thinking about it.
If we have extra money next weekend this is going to be how Carl and I spend Valentine's Day weekend. I can't think of a better way to spend it.
I can just imagine walking the halls of the convention center picking up brochures for Globus, Cunard, Trafalgar, and entering every single free vacation giveaway that I stumble upon. But the highlight will of course be the chance to see Rick Steves live and in person with his brown bowl haircut and early 1990's glasses, the khaki pants and sensible shoes.
He'll of course come up to me and say, "Emily I read your blog all the time, would you please come on staff and add a sassy, girlie perspective to European travel?" and I'll say, " Rick, you had me at hello."
New Month, New Attitude
So January was craptastic..... the snow storm, the waiting on the banks, the stress from those two things,etc.
I've decided February is going to be good:
1. Bank of America has to get back to us on our loan mod. They have to and that will only bring good news.
2. The roof will get fixed this month. My contractor is supposed to be here tomorrow which means if he starts tomorrow he should finish by the end of the month. I will get my garage door fixed!!!! The past 2 months we have been getting out in the rain and snow to manually pull the door up and down. What a bitch that has been.
3.The kids should have school all month. No snow days and no crazy holidays means time for me at the gym and here in front of my computer writing.
4. I read an awesome book this past weekend......The Purpose of Your Life by Carol Adrienne. It really hit a nerve and reminded me that... Anthing is Possible. Sometimes I forget that and life gets really crappy. That book reminded me. I don't know what is in front of me and I don't have to. I know what I want and it will come to me in some form or another because anything is possible.
So on that note February has no choice but to be awesome and if it isn't then March will kick it's ass.
I've decided February is going to be good:
1. Bank of America has to get back to us on our loan mod. They have to and that will only bring good news.
2. The roof will get fixed this month. My contractor is supposed to be here tomorrow which means if he starts tomorrow he should finish by the end of the month. I will get my garage door fixed!!!! The past 2 months we have been getting out in the rain and snow to manually pull the door up and down. What a bitch that has been.
3.The kids should have school all month. No snow days and no crazy holidays means time for me at the gym and here in front of my computer writing.
4. I read an awesome book this past weekend......The Purpose of Your Life by Carol Adrienne. It really hit a nerve and reminded me that... Anthing is Possible. Sometimes I forget that and life gets really crappy. That book reminded me. I don't know what is in front of me and I don't have to. I know what I want and it will come to me in some form or another because anything is possible.
So on that note February has no choice but to be awesome and if it isn't then March will kick it's ass.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Writing
There are 3 things that I love........ architecture, writing, and color and pattern (my rugs).
I know I'm not cut out to be a practicing architect, but that doesn't take away my love for the built environment. If I could make a living as a real estate agent I would just so that I could tour all the houses... forget the clients, I just want the pass to look at every house that is for sale.
I love my rugs and I will pursue them as soon as I've got the $$$ to proceed. Whether it will be a side money making hobby, or a full on designer showroom eventually I have no idea, but I can't stop drawing patterns and coloring them in. I'm good at it.
Writing is the big other thing. I write this blog, I start a million little stories and I read 109 books last year. I can't imagine my life without books. I know my dream is to one day have one of my own books on my shelves, but to devote my self to it full time is a scary idea. I want to. I'm not doing anything else. Maybe this deep crack I'm in career wise is meant for me to be writing. It doesn't cost a thing. I know I can do it. It's easy for me. I just have to decide that I want to do it and step by step work at being a writer. I am a writer. I just have had nothing published....... yet. I try and let it go and yet I always come back to it eventually. If there is something that I feel I was meant to do this would be it. It's hard when you're whole life you see writers as mousy, starving, and depressed. I know that's how they are portrayed on TV and even in books, but if I were to take the one writer that I know personally she would be the exact opposite of all those characteristics listed above. She is endlessly fascinating, bright, vivacious, and seems to make a good living at writing. So why can't I get over this mental block on what a a writer is. There are so many mommy bloggers and mommy writers and though I could definitely be catagorized as one, I would never want to be just another one of those moms who writes and blogs. Maybe that's the difference. I may be a mom first and foremost, but that is not what I write about.
I get so concerned that being a mom is so all consuming for me. I rarley speak to adults other than my husband and a few of my kid's friend's parents. I spend so much time with my kids, but I've found that I rarely write about them. Everybody has kids and we all have the same stories about sicknesses and teachers, and funny things that they've said, that to write about them here or elsewhere seems a little redundant. I write about what I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing. So I guess I couldnt' really be catagorized as a "mommy blogger".
I dont' know what I will write, but I need to write. It's the one thing that will give me the time to spend with my kids, the opportunity to travel where and whenever I want, heck even the ability to live wherever I want. It requires no monetary investement and barely any tools. The only thing that it requires is time, of which I have an overabundance.
I know I'm not cut out to be a practicing architect, but that doesn't take away my love for the built environment. If I could make a living as a real estate agent I would just so that I could tour all the houses... forget the clients, I just want the pass to look at every house that is for sale.
I love my rugs and I will pursue them as soon as I've got the $$$ to proceed. Whether it will be a side money making hobby, or a full on designer showroom eventually I have no idea, but I can't stop drawing patterns and coloring them in. I'm good at it.
Writing is the big other thing. I write this blog, I start a million little stories and I read 109 books last year. I can't imagine my life without books. I know my dream is to one day have one of my own books on my shelves, but to devote my self to it full time is a scary idea. I want to. I'm not doing anything else. Maybe this deep crack I'm in career wise is meant for me to be writing. It doesn't cost a thing. I know I can do it. It's easy for me. I just have to decide that I want to do it and step by step work at being a writer. I am a writer. I just have had nothing published....... yet. I try and let it go and yet I always come back to it eventually. If there is something that I feel I was meant to do this would be it. It's hard when you're whole life you see writers as mousy, starving, and depressed. I know that's how they are portrayed on TV and even in books, but if I were to take the one writer that I know personally she would be the exact opposite of all those characteristics listed above. She is endlessly fascinating, bright, vivacious, and seems to make a good living at writing. So why can't I get over this mental block on what a a writer is. There are so many mommy bloggers and mommy writers and though I could definitely be catagorized as one, I would never want to be just another one of those moms who writes and blogs. Maybe that's the difference. I may be a mom first and foremost, but that is not what I write about.
I get so concerned that being a mom is so all consuming for me. I rarley speak to adults other than my husband and a few of my kid's friend's parents. I spend so much time with my kids, but I've found that I rarely write about them. Everybody has kids and we all have the same stories about sicknesses and teachers, and funny things that they've said, that to write about them here or elsewhere seems a little redundant. I write about what I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing. So I guess I couldnt' really be catagorized as a "mommy blogger".
I dont' know what I will write, but I need to write. It's the one thing that will give me the time to spend with my kids, the opportunity to travel where and whenever I want, heck even the ability to live wherever I want. It requires no monetary investement and barely any tools. The only thing that it requires is time, of which I have an overabundance.
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