Happiness vs. Money

So here's the deal..... we could use a little extra money. I don't make very much money as a part time elementary school librarian.

I have seen two jobs in the last week that are advertising jobs in the $50-80k range for an architect that I fully qualify for.

Should I keep the low paying job that I love that lets me spend time with books, kids, and my own kids? I can spend days reading picture books, come home and spend 30 minutes on the treadmill, finish my MLIS, make dinner, finish 8 loads of laundry in two days time, read and write to my hearts content, have all the same days off and holidays as my children, and generally be a happy fulfilled poor person.

Or do I apply for an architecture job with the City of Flagstaff or NAU? The hours would be long, the summer vacations gone, the dropping off and picking up of my children from school non-existent but I would have full health benefits, vacation and sick pay, an opportunity to pay off my credit cards and student loans, the ability to give my husband a break from being the major breadwinner for the family, and a retirement package.

It's a difficult decision. Sure I can apply for the jobs and see what happens. If I am passed over it is a sure indication that I should stay where I am. But what if? What if I get one of those jobs and hate it and wish I could go back to the days of picture books, tying shoes, and recommending chapter books to fresh faced 10 year olds? Then what? And what about my Master's Degree in Library Science?

It could be years before I have a $60,000/year library job. What to do?

Why do we always have to seem to choose between money and happiness?

2012 Status Update

Okay, so I've gotta little time on my hands this week so I figure I could maybe start writing again. Things are under control. I'm only taking one class this semester and I've managed to finagle working only 3 days a week at the library. I know.... pretty cool huh?
The bills are paid, the taxes are submitted, the kids are at school, and I'm home alone. Which is rare nowadays.
So to take advantage of this new found time to myself I'll try and update this thing more often.
I love writing and I miss it. I feel guilty when I don't write, so I will do my best to write more.

So to re-introduce myself to you my 5 loyal readers here is a list of 10 things you may not know about me:

1.Reading is an absolute addiction to me. I cannot be sitting without a book in my hand.

2. It's been almost 2 years since I've been on meds for my OCD and I am a new gal because of it.

3. I have no medical insurance currently. (See above mention of me only working 3 days a week...not enough hours to qualify)

4. I can never say no to a chocolate chip cookie.

5. We have regular Saturday night dance parties at my house.

6. My children are allowed to listen to ANY type of music regardless of the lyrical content.

7. I am allergic to dogs and we currently have 6 cats in the house.

8. I am addicted to Clorox wipes. I'll wipe anything with them as long as it's dirty.

9. My boobs have miraculously grown larger as I've gotten older. Just bought a bra that is a 34G. Yes, I did say G!!!

10. I'm listening to Portishead right this very minute.

I know not to much new and interesting. My meds keep me fairly mellow nowadays. I'm trying to bring the crazy back within legal limits.

Where have I been?

Damn! I am such a good writer.

It's really a shame it's been so long. I love to go back and read the old stuff. It's like going back in a time machine and reading my thoughts.

Updates:

I got a job! Way back in October. I work in an elementary school library as a library aide.

I got into grad school! I'm in Tucson right now taking a class.

Things are great. I'm having such a great time I'm not even missing my family as much as I thought I was going to. School is so much fun. I'm even glad there was a one week residency to start the program. If I hadn't come down here I wouldn't really feel like I was back in school. I'm on campus, meeting the professors, meeting the other people in my classes and walking around a quad and going to the bookstore. It's fun to have adult conversations with other people who love books and are interested in the same things that I am. There are some young kids, but most are 2nd career people who are my age or older. I didn't have too many preconceived notions on what this whole process was going to be like, but this is fun.

Missing for a Month?

Holy Crap it's been a while.

I have been honestly busy. Not crazy busy, but just busy enough that I don't have time to kill on the internet.
I'm volunteering at the public library on Tues and Thurs, and now at the kids school library on Wednesdays.

It is so much fun I am amazed I didn't do this years ago. I probably would have been happier if I had.

I'm still waiting to hear back about graduate school. I guess I'll find out by Halloween, but even if they don't let me in this time I know I can kill it for the Feb application deadline now that I will have two seperate library contacts to write me letters of recommendation.

That's it really. I really don't feel the need to come here and complain anymore. Things are going so well, and I am happy and busy and having fun.

I cannot recommend enough that evreyone go out and see The Other Guys with Will Farrel and Mark Wahlberg. It was the funniest movie I've seen in a long time. Carl and I are still quoting lines to each other from the movie 3 days later.

I'm still reading a lot and watching my sugar. I'm eating it everyday, but not like I used to.

On one hand I don't like really being on medication, but on the other hand if I hadn't had a break down I don't think everything would be as clear as it is now for me. I don't know that I would have figured out what to do with my life. I don't think I would have started volunteering.

Everything happens for a reason.

I Need A New Drug

It's been five months now that I have been medicated. I would like to think this is now my even keel attitude.
I'm a little hesitant to want to stay on drugs my entire life. I know I could. I'm just crazy enough to need full time medication,but there are certain things that I miss about being so emotional and anxiety ridden.

I miss music. It used to just get me right down to my volcanic core. A song could save me or condemn me in the middle of the day or at night as I fell to sleep. I could be carried away by almost any classical song, Dolly Parton, the Deftones, almost anything from the 80's or 90's and I miss that. I don't get that feeling under my skin anymore when I listen to music. Now music just feels like background. It no longer sets the tone of my day or can whip my attitude around in a heartbeat. It's probably good that it no longer does this to me, but still I miss all the emotion tied into music.

I do love the moods I have now when dealing with my children. They can drive me crazy and then a half hour later I'm laughing and joking with them as usual. I don't take their fueds and endless banter as personally. I now realize that they are just kids. They will not behave like adults no matter how much I want them to. I see the patterns in their behavior better and can shrug off the sugar induced and sleep deprived tantrums, knowing it's not really them at that moment, but just a sugar fiend or an overtired child. So overall that is an awesome improvment over myself from 6 months ago.

I'm still feeling generally numb as far as overwhelming emotions go. I would like to feel more, but know that I can't handle more. It's a horrible catch-22. I can either feel everything and be miserable, or just feel the edges of feelings and be a fully functional member of society. I have a clarity and a distance that I didn't have before. I used to feel like I was floundering and overwhelmed by everything, but now everything feels managable. I don't know that I would have figured out my desire to work with books as a librarian if I had stayed unmedicated. My mind was too muddled to figure it out. So that is an amazing outcome of taking medication.

My counting is under control and I don't overthink everything like I used to. I will never be footloose and talkative and outgoing, but at least now I can function like a regular introvert.

Overall the good things outweigh the negative, but I do miss the way I could write for 2 hours getting all the crap out of my head and onto paper. I miss being cranky and pissed off at everyone. I miss flipping off any bad driver who crossed my path. I miss crying while listening to music. I miss so many things, but I know I'm better off this way. It just takes some getting used to. Now that I don't remember as vividly how sick I really was back in March, it's easier for me to think that I wasn't really that bad. But I know this is just me transitioning from that person to a better person and missing her and still looking forward to this new better behaved person.

The Ipad as E-reader

I just finished reading my first ever book in it's entirety on an e-reader.

I've been trying to do this ever since I bought my ipad. It's actually filled with books. I've got not only the E-books ap, but the Kindle ap and a couple of other no name apps with free classic books.

I chose to read Mansfield Park. It's the only Jane Austen book I haven't read and it seemed the quickest of all the classics I have downloaded.

Overall the reading went great. My only issue was not being able to constantly see how far along I am. There are no page numbers. If you tap the bottom of the screen it will give you some strange numbers and a percentage of completion, but no page numbers. This frustrated me to no end. I like to put the book mark in the book and see my progress. This is not totally possible with the Kindle ap. The Ibook ap does not have this problem. There are page numbers on every page. As for the ipad in general as an e-reader, the pages were easy to read, the lighting and font were great. The size of the pages was even similar to a real book. It was easier to read while eating vs. a real book and my hand didn't get cramped like it sometimes does when reading huge books like Atlas Shrugged or Anna Karenina.

The reason why I have never used to ipad as an e-reader is because I have to fight to get my turn with it. The kids love to play games on it. My husband surfs the Internet constantly with it and it seemed like whenever I had it in my lap to read, it would remind everyone else of what the wanted to do on the ipad. I always felt rushed to finish a chapter so that someone else could have a turn. No one ever bothers me when I have a real book in my hand. Short of actually buying another couple ipads or shelling out for a Kindle I don't think I will read too many books on the ipad. If was just my ipad, then sure I'd read more often, but with 3 kids and a husband who loves gadgets and web surfing I don't think I'll ever be able to convince them to let me use it as a book again.

I love my books. I love to see them arranged on my bookshelves. I love the colors and the shapes and the smell of the paper. I love the portability. I love not having to charge them up at the end of the day. I like not worrying about battery power. Sure it's convenient to be able to have a book wirelessly delivered, but I still have a hard time paying money for a computer file to read. If I'm going to pay money, then I want a book in my hand and not a file that could possibly be obsolete in a few years. I want a book that I can take and sell back to a book store and trade in for another book. That isn't an option yet with e-books.

I can say I've given it the old college try, but I am not a convert. I'm not saying I'll never read another e-book, but for a while at least physical books are still going to be what I love and what I read and collect.

Eat, Pray, Love vs. Hot Tub Time Machine

I am very far from a movie critic, but I'm going to add my two cents on some movies I saw this weekend.

Hot Tub Time Machine:  I loved this movie. It was silly, funny and visually entertaining. It made me laugh out loud, but it doesn't take much for me. I love John Cusack and I loved the ridiculousness of being able to travel back in time in a hot tub with a guide like Chevy Chase. It's a great movie.

Eat Pray Love: I loved this movie too. I'm not a huge Julia Roberts fan, but I thought she did well in this movie and Javier Bardem was awesome as usual. It was a beautiful movie. I love travel movies so this one was a no brainer for me to like. The only scene that really bothered me was when Liz was supposed to seem so crazy and out of control by eating pasta. I think that was just ridiculous. Maybe people in Hollywood don't know that most of us eat pasta all the time and it is not the least bit sinful. I myself eat it at least 2-3 times a week and (this is so crazy) I'm not fat. That was an insulting scene to me, but maybe I'm not like most people. The critics kind of slammed this movie, but I hate critics. They see so many movies they don't even know what is entertaining anymore. I loved it. Go see it.

Kick Ass: This movie rocked too. I'm not into all the violence so my eyes were covered frequently, but all it all it was really cool. The 11 year old as a bad-ass was awesome. The teenager as a wanna-be superhero was cool too. See this one too.

I''ll see pretty much anything that looks remotely entertaining. But I'm getting really pissed off reading critics reviews for movies. I was so excited to go see Dinner For Schmucks, but then I heard so many bad reviews that I have not seen it yet. Why would I listen to them. I know I'll love it. It has Paul Rudd and Steve Carell in it. How could it be bad? My version of bad is so much different than a critics. I didn't really like Inception. Critics loved it. The last bad movie I saw was Kristen Bell in When in Rome. That really sucked, but I still enjoyed the scenery and the clothes. I loved Date Night. It's hit and miss with every single person. That is why I have decided to never judge a movie by what a critic says. If it looks good to me I will see it.

Here I come Dinner for Schmucks!