I Need A New Drug

It's been five months now that I have been medicated. I would like to think this is now my even keel attitude.
I'm a little hesitant to want to stay on drugs my entire life. I know I could. I'm just crazy enough to need full time medication,but there are certain things that I miss about being so emotional and anxiety ridden.

I miss music. It used to just get me right down to my volcanic core. A song could save me or condemn me in the middle of the day or at night as I fell to sleep. I could be carried away by almost any classical song, Dolly Parton, the Deftones, almost anything from the 80's or 90's and I miss that. I don't get that feeling under my skin anymore when I listen to music. Now music just feels like background. It no longer sets the tone of my day or can whip my attitude around in a heartbeat. It's probably good that it no longer does this to me, but still I miss all the emotion tied into music.

I do love the moods I have now when dealing with my children. They can drive me crazy and then a half hour later I'm laughing and joking with them as usual. I don't take their fueds and endless banter as personally. I now realize that they are just kids. They will not behave like adults no matter how much I want them to. I see the patterns in their behavior better and can shrug off the sugar induced and sleep deprived tantrums, knowing it's not really them at that moment, but just a sugar fiend or an overtired child. So overall that is an awesome improvment over myself from 6 months ago.

I'm still feeling generally numb as far as overwhelming emotions go. I would like to feel more, but know that I can't handle more. It's a horrible catch-22. I can either feel everything and be miserable, or just feel the edges of feelings and be a fully functional member of society. I have a clarity and a distance that I didn't have before. I used to feel like I was floundering and overwhelmed by everything, but now everything feels managable. I don't know that I would have figured out my desire to work with books as a librarian if I had stayed unmedicated. My mind was too muddled to figure it out. So that is an amazing outcome of taking medication.

My counting is under control and I don't overthink everything like I used to. I will never be footloose and talkative and outgoing, but at least now I can function like a regular introvert.

Overall the good things outweigh the negative, but I do miss the way I could write for 2 hours getting all the crap out of my head and onto paper. I miss being cranky and pissed off at everyone. I miss flipping off any bad driver who crossed my path. I miss crying while listening to music. I miss so many things, but I know I'm better off this way. It just takes some getting used to. Now that I don't remember as vividly how sick I really was back in March, it's easier for me to think that I wasn't really that bad. But I know this is just me transitioning from that person to a better person and missing her and still looking forward to this new better behaved person.