Battle Cry

Sunday night I was having a shitty time. I had the Sundays for sure, but sometimes it's those moments of momentous shitaciousness that inspire greatness.
I went into my head and looked for a coping mechanism that would fit the week and came up with a real winner.
Fake it to make it.
I started Monday with that attitude and it has successfully brought me to this moment where I am faking myself out that I am a serious writer and I have serious fans that read my blog religiously and really wonder what I'm up to when I'm not summarizing my life on this page.
The week took a turn on Tuesday and I started to doubt myself and start to feel shitty again, and then I was like, this is total bull shit.
I know who I am.
I am an architect.
I am a business owner.
I am a librarian.
Children love me.
MY children love me.
I can do anything and there isn't anyone, and I mean anyone, that can make me doubt myself.
Of course I am typing this while "Eye of the Tiger" is playing on my Bose, but regardless of that I really had to give myself a pep talk.
I get down on myself sometimes that I am not living up to my full potential, but then I realize all the things I have accomplished cannot be measured by my small paycheck.
Few people can say that they have a job that they truly love and I should be proud of that and treasure it more than monetary compensation.

So the fake it to make it motto will be my battle cry as I run through the holiday season.
I am totally pretending to be a writer. I am pretending to be the kind of woman who gets on her treadmill every day. I am pretending to be the kind of woman who does not eat handfuls of marshmallows every time she passes the pantry. I'm still having trouble with that last one, because I can't imagine anyone passing up marshmallows.
It's an interesting way to live the week, but so far I like it.

Flagstaff 10 Years Later

So this week marks 10 years of living in Flagstaff.
I often times sit on the toilet and think... I have shit here more than anyplace else in the world.
That's just how I wrap my head around the time that has passed. My toilet seat has seen more of my ass than anywhere else in the world.
Leaving California was easy and hard at the same time. We came to a beautiful place from a place full of opportunities. We left a lifestyle behind to embrace mountain living.
Apparently it suits us just fine because we are still here and still loving it.

This is our 1st Christmas is Flagstaff. I don't think I look much different for 10 years older. Isaak even looks the same.

This is one of my favorite photos of all time. We should go up on the mountain and recreate it this month ten years later. This was our first few weeks here. I still used a film camera and often put in black and white film to try and capture life more dramatically. It worked. This photo to me says a lot about life and fatherhood. Now Isaak wears that Dickies jacket.

 

Thanks Flagstaff. Our kids have had a beautiful childhood thanks in part to you.

Katy Perry and Maya Angelou are Tormenting Me

Let's start off my saying that I've been listening to too much Katy Perry.
I bought the album for my 7 year old. She's a big fan, but she is barely interested in the new album.
I however am listening to it quite frequently.
It's in the mix. I keep listening to the "Recently Added" play list and she's in there with Alt J, Black Carl, and a bunch of classical stuff I got from the library. Oh and I stumbled upon some more movie theme songs. Hedwig's Theme is playing right now.
Mix all that together with me reading a book about immortality and right now anything seems possible.
The world is full of possibilities. I am just choosing to ignore most of them. But with all this inspirational music those opportunities are flying around my head in a menacing dance.
Think Beetlejuice mixed with Edward Scissorhands.
Then my FB/highschool friend, who is participating in NANOWRIMO, posted up a link to the most inspirational quotes for writers and I saw this.
It slapped me in the face.

Yes.
I am in agony.
I know this.
I live with this everyday and it drives me crazy. Crazier maybe.

Not Today

Just a quick little post to say that I'm not feeling it today.
Yesterday I was too busy to write and today I'm having printer issues and dirty floor issues.
These must be resolved before I can dally with writing an impressive post.
Things are percolating.
I'm waiting for them to drip.

Random Photo Tuesday

 

It's Tuesday. I'm bored so I'm going thru some photos on my computer. There are not many on this particular device, but the ones that there are are pretty good. I am a mother, so therefor I spend most of my time taking pictures of other people. Great ones of me are few and far between. Someday I will look back and wonder where years of my life went. There will be no photographic evidence of me.

That is the nature of being a mother. That is why so many women just take selfies in bathroom mirrors.

 

 

 

 

 

This is one of my all time favorite photos of myself. Unfortunately is has an ugly hotel room as a background. This is from the night Carl and I were supposed to go to his 20th high school reunion. It was a total bust, so we skipped out and met up with an old rock-n-roll buddy of Carl's at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.

 

This is a photo of my 2 day old niece Sarah. She is my only niece and is the coolest thing ever. It was an honor and a privilege to see here so soon after she was born. She just turned 3.

This is Sarah and I playing dress up a couple of months later at my house. She was trying to suck the skin off my face and I had to yell at Amelia, then just 4, to run and get my camera and catch the moment on film. I haven't laughed that hard very often.

 

This is the man of my dreams. I love this picture because he so rarely smiles like this. He is very hard to catch smiling in a photo and this one does it  magnificently. We were laughing and drinking and waiting for a show to start at the Orpheum with Carl's cousin Andrew. This is on the deck of the Weatherford Hotel in Flagstaff. It was a good night and gave me this amazing photo of an amazing man. It's good to see him smile.

A girl can dream

You know how I only work 2-3 days a week? Supposedly that means I have so much extra time on my hands.
This week this morning Otis wakes up with red goopy eyes. He can't go to school. We get a 9:30 Dr. appt and it turns out he just has a nasty scratch on his eye. He gets back to school at 11:30.

The week before my van is in the shop when my back-up car, the 2004 Land Rover, practically bursts into flames 8 miles from my house. That was a very long 8 miles back to the house in a truck with a non-working water pump.

The week before the dog wakes up bleeding out of a huge swelled up lesion on her cheek. That meant the morning at the vet and a couple of follow up appointments.

How could I do all that while working full time?

I've applied for several full time jobs, even had a job offer once, but I couldn't pull the trigger on a commitment that large.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever venture back into the real world with a high-power responsibility holding job. I see other people with suits and fancy shoes  and ID badges and sometimes I am envious and of their large regular paycheck and other times I wonder why they have committed so much of their time and their lives to an entity that they likely don't have much control over.

I may have resigned myself to the life of a part time working mother, but still I dream of the life of a writer: Meetings in New York with my editor, sending manuscripts back and forth with things to correct and research, spending time at the library with a deadline and a story to finish while a Flagstaff snowstorm swirls outside the windows, large royalty checks coming in the mail that will dwarf my paltry school district salary and enable my family to take summer long research trips to exotic locals while I write, and attending signing events at conventions all year long.

I'm gonna dream it and I'm gonna do it.
A writer's life would still allow me plenty of time for broken-down cars, and sick kids and pets right?

Healthcare.gov Update

So it's  been a while since I tried Healthcare.gov.

Over the weekend my husband told me he had heard that the log-in bugs were worked out as long as I created a new account.

Cut to 15 minutes ago. I created a new account.

It did go much smoother this time and there was a place where I could see sample rates before applying for coverage. That was great.

I was able to create an account. I got a confirmation email and the link worked. I went to the log-in page and I was taken to...

Page not found.

The log-in still does not work. I think there are still some bugs.

I am happy that up until that point everything seemed to be working well. That is a good sign.

Maybe there are just too many people logging in right now. I will try back later and then update you here.

Anne Rice and The Fault in Our Stars

I know I don't usually discuss books here on this page.
I usually do it HERE.

But I just had to discuss a few literary things here for all you less than bibliophiles.

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green has just one the coveted award of Emily's Favorite Book award. If you are scared off by the plot summary (two cancer kids falling in love), don't be.
Read it. This man is a master of getting great words to stick to a page. It is hilarious and if you know me and like me and want me to continue to know and like you, you must read this book.

Now enough of the book recommendations. If you wanted that you would read my other blog.

My other news regarding Anne Rice is that she is currently on a lengthy book tour promoting her new book The Wolves of Midwinter.
I have two options to meet her: A weekend trip to LA to the B&N at the Grove to meet Ms. Rice on Saturday November 2nd.
OR a Thursday evening in Tempe at a small independent book store called Changing Hands on November 14th.

In my imagination I go to the LA book signing and casually bump into Brad and Angelina who are also there to get their books signed. The line is short and only the truly literary are there to meet Ms. Rice.
In reality I know this signing will be INSANE. The Grove is crazy anyway, but add Anne Rice on a Saturday afternoon and all hell could break loose.

I think my chances are better in Tempe. Maybe there will be a more subdued crowd of bibliophiles and vampire nuts in attendance.

Either way I am super excited to meet Anne Rice. She was one of the authors that I found in my grandpa's library at the top of the stairs in a farmhouse in Vermont. I met Lestat there and also the Mayfair Witches, and VC Andrews' grand cast of characters. Between all the old MAD magazines and history books I found my grandpa's collection of fantastical fiction. He had a huge collection of mass market paperbacks that my mother did not read. It was heaven. I could pick and choose and then read to my hearts content while sitting in an apple tree in a green Vermont pasture with a friendly flock of sheep. Yes it really was that amazing. Parts of my childhood were idyllic.
During those idyllic summers Anne Rice was right there with me.
To meet her next month will be an honor and a privilege.

Keeping it Real

In an effort to keep myself honest and with full disclosure, I present the following rant on my lack of money. I love real numbers from real people. Here they are. Enjoy.

 

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Even though I am only working 2 or 3 days a week. I have not had a minute to spare.

The VW Roatan has been on the fritz for the last couple of weeks, so I finally took in to the shop yesterday. Luckily it’s only a cracked hose, but driving my back-up car: a 2004 Land Rover Discovery proved dangerous this morning as it started smoking as I made the final stretch home. It started smoking and hissing and overheating. After several phone calls, help from our local shell gas station attendant and my dad I was able to coax the old thing home one last time.

Thermostat? Water pump? Broken hose? It will be a few weeks before we find out.

Money is tight.

Every week for the past few months one of our FedEx trucks has been out of commission. We need 2 new trucks, but can’t afford the payments, so instead we keep credit carding repairs in the hopes that a miracle will occur; either we come into a chunk of money or the trucks decide to work and not break for a while.

It’s risky business.

It’s propane season. That runs us around $800- $1000 a month right thru April.

The dog got sick last week too. A little roughhousing with my parent’s dog turned into a neck bite that got infected and swelled up like a balloon.

So let’s summarize:

2 broken personal vehicles

3 broken Fed Ex trucks

1 sick puppy

1 500 gal propane tank

1 Federal Education Loan

All that equals no cash.

Now you might argue… Emily, but you are only working part time. Why don’t you go back to full time? I torture myself with that question, but my income is so small regardless of whether I work 3 or 5 days a week that the impact is small on our finances. However, my mental health, taking into account of whether I work 3 or 5 days a week, varies a great deal. I feel fully in control of my life working 3 days a week. Working 5 days a week I am on the edge of mental health. It is simply that I value my mental health over my financial health.

There are 3 things that are making it tight. The most recent is my student loan that I just started paying in July. Since then things are ridiculously tight. I had imagined that my loan payments would be around $300. They are actually at $460. Add that to the $550 VW payment and I won’t even tell you how much the credit card payments are. I would embarrass myself.

There has to be a way to bring things under control financially again. I’m working on it.

Student loan forbearance?

Car refinance?

Credit card refinance or consolidation?

Sell a book idea?

Win the lotto?

Better part-time job?

These are all viable options.

Things are hard and I don’t see an easy solution on the horizon.

Healthcare.gov So Far

I am currently live chatting with a help agent at Healthcare.gov.
I am anxious to see what the result is of my query.

Since the site opened last week I have been trying to create a username and password to open an account. I did last week succeed in creating an account for my email, but immediately after opening the account and attempting to log in I was told that my username and password were invalid. I hadn't written them down, but it was only 10 seconds earlier so I asked for my password to be emailed to me. The link didn't work. I asked for my username to be sent to me. No email with a link ever came. I figured I did something wrong. I didn't know what, but something.

So this morning I attempted to create a  new username and password using Carl's email. I wrote them down this time. After confirming my email address I was linked back to the log-in page and guess what... My username and password were invalid. They were not recognized.

So it's them, it's not me. I knew it.

So here is my response from the live chat session.

"At this time the site is experiencing a glitch that is currently being worked on. We do not have a time frame to when the glitch will be fixed, however, it is being worked on at this time. Please check back periodically for progress."

And my response.

"A glitch? That sounds more like a catastrophic mistake. I've had this issue since the site opened last week. Millions of other web sites have figured out how to make "log in " work. I hope your techs can figure it out."

I was then told that I should call the 1-800 number for further assistance.
Ain't nobody got time for that. At least not today. I'll try tomorrow when I've got a good book in front of me and time to kill.
So it's just the web site that is jacked? They can still quote me premiums on the phone? I'll find out tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Grand Canyon Closed

There is a huge flashing sign that I am passing every day on my way home that says:

GRAND CANYON CLOSED. NO THROUGH TRAFFIC.

It's very strange and kind of apocalyptic in a way.

I've never seen that sign before. The Canyon is always open. If you want to go on Christmas Day, you can.

Our entire city revolves around the Canyon. People commute up to work there. A lot of the small businesses deliver their products and services up there. We have more outdoor outfitters than most cities our size because people stop here and gear up before continuing up to the Canyon. Our hotels and restaurants probably get about half of their business from tourists heading up. Our Walmarts and Sam's Club parking lots are always filled with RVs while people stock up on supplies before their trip.
People plan and book  months and years in advance to get a room, an RV spot or a camping spot at the canyon. The North Rim closes in two weeks. It's the most beautiful time of the year on that side of the canyon and no one is going to be able to see it.

What effect is the government closure going to have on our town and all the surrounding communities?

I can sum it up in one word:   HUGE.

The selfishness and stubbornness of the govt. is driving me crazy. Don't even get me started on the effect it's having on the WIC program. I might burst a blood vessel.
Closing public lands that actually MAKE money doesn't seem like a great idea. It seems like a very uneducated idea. I know the decisions on what to close and what to leave open as a necessary service are difficult, but who are we hurting here? The men who can't come to an agreement should be punished, not the working folk, small businesses and tourists.

Would France close down the Louvre or the Eiffel Tower? Did Greece close down the Acropolis when their govt took a dump? I don't think so. They desperately needed that money and so do we. The Grand Canyon is a money maker. Let's let it make money.

I'm not a huge Grand Canyon fan. It's a big hole and I've seen it a hundred times, but people travel literally from all over the world to see that hole. It's a big deal. Let's open it up and shut down DC.

Healthcare Tuesday Oct 1

58?

58 People have viewed my blog today.

Who are you and why are you here?

Identify yourselves.

Don't get me wrong. I'm cool with it, but having trouble wrapping my head around it. It only took 4 years to reach that one day number. If we keep going at this rate I might actually make that .05 cent commission from Google for allowing adds. A girl can dream.


Now lets get to the question of Health care.
It's a big deal today.
My family buys private insurance from Blue Cross. Carl and the kids are on the plan. It currently costs around $600/month for a $5000 deductible policy. We hardly ever use it but pay $7200 a year for the privilege of having insurance and getting a slight discount on health care services from the association with BCBS.
In a bad year where we actually used our insurance (broken arm or minor surgery) we could spend $12,000 on health care.
I was on the school district insurance until Aug when I went to part time. I am no longer covered on insurance. I will probably buy a new policy for the whole family or just get myself a policy thru
Healthcare.gov. starting Jan. 1
I have visited the site several times this morning. Needless to say it is not working. I cannot even create an account. I know it's overloaded today, but I have never been kicked out of registration process for providing "wrong" answers to my own security questions.
This is going to be a rough process. I am interested in having better insurance. I am also interested in having more affordable insurance. I already feel as though I am paying my fair share to contribute to the health care system that supports those who don't have health care. Our $7200 is going somewhere, but not to take care of us. It's just such a bullshit system already I dont' have much confidence that this is one will be more equitable.
I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.
I'll keep you all posted on the price and coverage and process of getting thru the new system. I am a librarian after all and I am supposed to disseminate information freely.

Just stop back frequently and help keep my numbers up. Mama needs some insurance and those 5 cent commissions for every 5000 visitors could really start to stack up.

Are You Feeling It?

I am.

I shaved my son's afro off yesterday. It felt so good. He looks like a young upstanding boy scout now instead of a homeless punk who doesn't own a hairbrush or have a mother that loves him. Can you say "School photo retake"?

Also note that my 13 year old is taller than I am. I'm a solid 5'4" and he is now a growing 5'6".
It's weird I tell ya. Who is that tall man walking around my house? It's not a man it's Isaak.

That photo is so fresh I am still wearing that outfit right this very second.

I saw the movie Don Jon this weekend. It was all sex the whole time which I much prefer to all explosions and car chases.

The bills are paid, the dog is sleeping, the laundry is folded, the dishwasher is emptied, I've trolled all my favorite interweb sites and here I am now blogging.

Should blogging be the last thing that I do? Should I be making it a priority to take the time to write down crazy shit that happens here in my house and in Flagstaff? I totally missed last week. I've been reading too much and then writing about reading. Not everyone wants to read that. Most people don't even want to read books let alone read a blog about somebody else reading books.

I'm only working 2 days this week.
I'm going to read a shit ton of books or at least attempt to.
I'm going to get my moustache waxed (waxed off, not use moustache wax to style my stache).
I'm going to get the dog washed.
I'm going to start and finish some taxes.
I'm going to listen to more Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.
I'm only going to eat at Chipotle once this week.
I'm going to use highlighters only when absolutely necessary.
I'm going to feel it.
Are you feeling it?

Travel Planning

We didn't do anything or go anywhere this weekend.
So disappointing.
I did how ever spend some time planning for the next few months.

It is a tradition in our house to take our children for their 10th birthday to the destination of their choice without their siblings. Of course their choice must be within a days drive of Flagstaff.

Three years ago Isaak chose Las Vegas and spent the weekend driving go-carts at Circus Circus and shooting weapons at one of the fancy Vegas ranges. Meanwhile I spent some quality time shopping at Caesars.

Otis turned 10 back in August but it was so close to our gigantic summer road trip that he got shafted on the dates and hasn't had his trip yet. He has finally decided he wants to go to Legoland and we have chosen a date and booked a hotel. He wants to spend the weekend riding rides and building Legos. He has also developed a love of beignets from Ruby's Diner which is conveniently located across the freeway from Legoland.

Next on the agenda is  a trip to Vegas for Carl and I to see NIN in November. This will be a childless weekend. I always wonder whether to take the children with us on weekends or leave them at home. Of course we always have a fabulous time without them, but we feel bad leaving them out of fun experiences. Do we spend too much time away from them? Do we go out too much? It's standard parental guilt, but it still stings every time we go somewhere without them.

Ideally I would like to take the following trips in the upcoming year:

New Orleans for Carl and I in May of 2014 for our 15th anniversary. Cost of hotel and flights: $2000

Hawaii with the kids in June of 2014. Cost of hotel and flights: $6000

Summer Road Trip 2014 West Coast Highway 1 all the way to Seattle. Cost: $4000

If we keep saving and keep Christmas on the down-low I think we can make New Orleans and the road trip, but Hawaii is pushing it.
The road trips are priority #1 for travel for the next few years. Anything else is just gravy.

What I have learned most in the past year is that if you want to travel you have to book it. Book it months in advance and then plan around it. If you don't pay for the tickets and hotels in advance you will have no incentive to make it work out. We work hard all year long and our business makes it hard to take time off. I had dreamed for years to take a trip to Europe and didn't think it was possible, but it was and I still can't believe that we did it. Buy those non-refundable tickets and make it happen.

Next year New Orleans, the year after Machu Picchu, then maybe back to Europe. We will do it all.

Veit Springs Flagstaff

We didn't make it to Red Mountain. We kept it super local and crossed the street to our own backyard mountain.

This is one of the best hikes to do with kids because it has a very clear destination. We've found that when we just walk a mile in and then turn around in the middle of a trail, the kids are frustrated and cranky. If we have a goal, they are totally on board.

The destination on this hike is an old abandoned cabin, a spring, a cave, and some rock art. I know… so much reward for such a short hike. That's why it is amazing for kids. Ours loved it. This hike is super short, only a mile and a half round trip. It's not too steep or rocky, but rocky enough that the kids won't feel like they are walking on a side walk. We've been walking this hike since the kids were  small and strapped into backpacks and strollers. Now that they are big enough to crawl around on their own it's even more fun. The cabin site and it's associated structures are wedged in between some huge boulders and up against a cliff wall. There is so much to climb on and explore we probably stayed here and looked around longer than it took us to hike up.

Also since it's the end of monsoon season it's also mushroom season. Carl spend the entire hike taking pictures of all the variety of mushrooms. He says he's going to see which ones are edible and hope for some that are classified as hallucinogens.

The hike can be found in most Flagstaff guide books under Veit Springs Trail. Take highway 180 up to Snowbowl road and turn up the mountain. Climb up about 4.5 miles and look for a turn off in a little crack on the right. It's called the Lamar Haines Memorial Trailhead, but you can't see that sign from the road. Just look for the crack and a little parking area. There are usually a few cars parked there on the weekends.

Rock Art

Standing in front of the cave.

Rock art at entrance to cave.

Trees growing in the cracks up the cliff wall.

I can't say it enough times. We are very lucky to live in Flagstaff. This is not our vacation home, but our  final destination. There are so many places to explore and opportunities to teach our children. It's mind bottling. We are in nature every day. We feel the seasons. We watch things grow and decompose. We measure the rain and the snow and enjoy the sunshine. We smell the elk, hear the coyotes, feel the caterpillars, and see the trees change colors. This is one of the best seasons in Flagstaff. The monsoon is tapering off. The ground will dry out, the temperatures will cool off and it will be the perfect time to hike and explore without the threat of heat or flash flooding. The wildflowers are still in bloom and most of the summer tourists have gone home for the fall. We have the place all to ourselves.

Weather Reflections

It's been raining for about 8 days straight here in Flagstaff. Not only has the monsoon not ended, but it has morphed into something much more sinister.

Usually with monsoon season it's nice in the am, clouds up in the afternoon, rains, thunders, etc and then clears up by dinner. It's the same way in winter when it snows. The sun always comes out for the majority of the day. That's why I love it here. There is happy weather, not deep soul crushing darkness and damp.

This season not so. The clouds are oppressive and not just gray, but blue-black. The thunderheads pop up out of nowhere even with my 25 mile 180 degree views. One benign looking cloud will unleash a torrent of rain that lasts for 25 minutes. It's hard to take the dog out. I've never done a dog in the rain. She hates it and so do I.

The mountain is covered in fog and dark clouds. It looks like an evil destination from a fairy tale.

It's so bleak I had to change radio stations today. I usually listed to Alt Nation or First Wave. Not today. I moved to Symphony and brooded through my trips through the forest today with Rachmaninoff. It's very appropriate to the deep dark forest setting.

Today I will make 4 trips into town (12 miles) from my mountain castle enclave.

While living in Flagstaff, the weather has convinced me that rainy foggy weather is best suited to England.
I can totally see Carl and myself retiring into an English country life.
We would wear wellies and mackintoshes on daily walks thru kissing gates and while driving our Land Rover to all the English Heritage sites. I would wear large wool jumpers and sit in our English cottage in front of the fire reading Victorian novels and writing long hand letters with a fancy pen to my children and grandchildren across the pond.

Why does the weather in England seem romantic and cozy while in Arizona the same condition seem oppressive and restricting? Argh.

I just miss the sun

Flagstaff Route 66 Car Show 2013

It's Monday, so it's blog post day. It's a new schedule that I'm trying to keep up with and it seems to be working.
This year I am job sharing at the elementray school library. It is the best thing ever. I work every Wednesday and Thursday and every other Friday.

My house is cleaner. I'm cooking more. The business books are cleaner and more organized. The laundry is done and put away. The children are on top of their homework with my help.
But most important I have the time to write and read that I have always wanted.
I have the time to come here and reflect on the weekend and write about cool Northern Arizona events and I have the time to sit at my desk with my beautiful view and be creative and be businesslike in my attempt to write more.

See here for my other blog on reading and writing. I am a librarian after all.

This weekend was the 9th Annual Flagstaff Route 66 Days.

This is the highlight of September here in Flagstaff.

Unfortunately this year Monsoon Season is not over. Usually by the first week of September it has stopped raining every afternoon, but not this year. The car show was rained out. We luckily made it in Saturday morning before the thunderheads descended on Flagstaff. There seeemed to be less cars this year. There are 450 spots available for entry in the car show and it is usually a sell out as far as resgistration goes, but this year the show seemed a little slim. There were less streets closed downtown thanks to the cranky merchants who think that thousands of people walking around downtown is a detriment to their business. Therefore I think there were less cars. Either that or a lot of the guys with really fancy cars knew it was going to rain and kept their cars garaged this weekend.

We still had fun walking around in the early morning heat and sunshine and then took our lunch break at Bigfoot for some BBQ. All around it was a good morning. I just wish it hadn't started pouring at 1:00 and shut down the show.

We drug the children out of the house and away from their video games to see a little bit of life. They seem to enjoy themselves when out in public, but it's hard to tell from their cranky dispositions and dragging feet.

Next week we shall attempt to either hike Red Mountain, or go truck shopping in Phoenix.
I know, my life is so exciting.

Black Carl and Flock of Seagulls

It was an eventful weekend here in Flagstaff.

It started out with a late show at the Green Room with Black Carl.
Why does the Green Room say the show starts at 9:00 when the set list on the stage very clearly states that the opening opening band will go on at 9:45? Why does the headliner go on at 11:45? It gets me every time.
I am so used to shows at the Orpheum that start on time and end at a decent time.
Some of us music lovers have kids yo!

Anyway Black Carl was awesome, but failed to play my favorite song, Ran. We bailed a little early and missed that last two songs, but found an awesome new food truck located in a back alley downtown that is open from 9 pm till 3am. My mind was blown with a pork quesadilla drizzled with hot BBQ sauce.

Saturday night we braved the weather and headed out to the Coconino County Fair to hear a little Flock of Seagulls. The venue sucks. I will give the Seagulls that, but the interminable sound check while the entire crowd sat around waiting was fairly unprofessional. We were all getting a little impatient. It probably wasn't the band's fault, but they could have speeded up the process.

The show itself was okay. I 'm not a huge Flock of Seagulls fan. I only know that one song. I was 8 when most of their songs were released. They rocked it as best they could for a County Fair. The vocals sounded a little off, but hey the guy is what? 55 years old. I was disappointed that he no longer has big hair. The music was good and we were genuinely entertained. They rocked it, but not as hard as Everlast did last year.

Mike Score

I think I realized that Flock of Seagulls to me is more of a cultural icon than a band. They are referenced in so many 80's movies and parodies that the band has become more than their music. They are pop culture. Now when ever I hear a reference to them I can say, Yep I've seen Flock of Seagulls.

Best Donuts in the Whole World - Blue Gate Bakery

I have been ruined. Ruined I tell you.

This place has THE BEST DONUTS in the entire world.

The Blue Gate Bakery in Shipshewana, Indiana. It is located inside the Blue Gate Restaurant and Theater in Amish Country.

OMG. I have never had a donut this good. I have tried many all over the world and they win. They win. I don't even need to look any more.
I remember the day. It was Monday August 5th, 2013 when I tasted the best donuts in the world.
We were hungry and were going to eat at the restaurant when my nose found it's way to the bakery. Ahh the bakery.
The donuts were shining like gold in the display case. There is was on the top shelf: a long john with freshly knife spread chocolate frosting and creamy white cream peeking out from inside. We ordered a full dozen donuts. Carl thought he saw a maple bar, but no, it turned out to be caramel frosting, his wildest dreams come true. We took the huge white box back to the car. I lifted my long john out of the box and nearly dropped it from the weight. It must have been a solid one pounder. I took a bite and melted into donut heaven. The frosting was so fresh. The cream was so heavy and light at the same time and the dough was solid. I didn't mean to eat the whole thing, but I did. I couldn't put it down even though my stomach was screaming, please stop, my mouth was screaming, EAT IT ALL! and then have another.
I have never had a donut this delicious. EVER. Look at all the capitals in this post. I am not joking. I am serious. If you are a donut lover and connoisseur you must make the pilgrimage to the Blue Gate Bakery and taste the heaven that is Amish donuts.
There are two kinds of donuts: french fry grease crispy donuts, also known as Asian donuts that are made in LA. The others are the lard based donuts that are made in the Middle West. Both delicious, but very different.
The Shipshewana donuts were lard based and can't be compared to the french fry grease type of donuts.
Since getting back from our trip I have not been able to eat a single donut. They all look so pale in comparison. Don't even try and get me to sample a Dunkin Donut after my donut euphoria in Indiana. I can't do it. I can't eat them. What's the point? They won't be as good. They won't satisfy the way that other donut did. I'm ruined and I love donuts.
I'm scheming and trying to figure out a way to get those donuts here to me from Indiana. Are you driving this way? Can you bring me one? Can I FedEx custom critical one? I will need this donut to survive.

That's them from the web site. I'm just going to look and drool for a while.

PMS Panic Attach

I just finished paying the price for a 2 week long vacation. During that 2 weeks I did not exercise. I did not get in my 3-4 miles a day walk and it made me miserable. It has nothing to do with my weight or the way my pants fit.
It has everything to do with the way I react to PMS. It did not go well at all last week. I was out of my mind. Things are starting to come back around to normal today, but it was evil. It was terrifying and made me question my sanity on deep levels.
Things get real sketchy when I don't exercise or stick to a regular schedule. Things were fine while we were traveling, but once home the shit started to hit the fan.
There is the usual depression associated with returning from a trip and the starting of school. But combine that with the fact that I hadn't been exercising or eating normally and the PMS last week just knocked my on my mental and physical ass.
I couldn't handle anything. I had to leave the house for the evening Thursday and take myself out of the game. That was the low point. I immediately took some Midol, peed 4 times, had a Diet Coke, and some Chipotle and my mind seemed to come back around.
It's hard to verbalize what was going through head before I left the house, but I had to leave. Luckily my children are old enough that I can leave them at home and not worry about the consequesces. I called my husband, let him know I was out and quickly made my getaway.
It's not the children. It's the pressure of all the things that needed me. Dinner, homework, laundry, parent night at school, bills, the pets. It's all so mundane, but it's all so big in my mind that I can't cope with it a second longer or I will explode.
It's scary and there doesn't seem to be a solution to all the pressure, except to just leave the situation. It feels like a cop out even now just describing it, but the feeling is very real and the need for escape is overpowering.
It's my version of a panic attack. I will die if I stay where I am. I have to leave.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish by describing my mental illness to you, but maybe some understanding as to why I try and keep things "just so". Life is scary and not just for me, but for everyone. We all have different ways of coping with the scary things and this is my way. I have to walk. I have to eat the same things. I have to have a schedule. I have to have away time.

This week will be my testimony to all things normal.
Walk 3 miles this am. check
Eat Rice Krispies daily. check
Vacuum. check

Road Trip 3013 - The After Photos

We're Back!

It was a VERY long road trip followed by an even longer back-to-school week. It was epic. We saw so many things, people, and bodies of water. I highly recommend it if you have the means. Yes it was tedious at times and we were asked way too many times "How much longer?" and "Where are we?", but it was totally worth it. Our children have seen things they have never seen before and experienced life in variety of American locales.

Chicago was immense and overwhelming for children who have only known LA, San Diego, and Vegas. It was truly metropolitan. I mistakenly called this sculpture "the blob" when it's actually known as "the bean".

We were on a tubing trip with all the peeps on my mother's side of the family and stopped here at Smith Falls in Nebraska.

This is the building, Foellinger Auditorium at the University of Illinois, where I graduated from not just high school but also college. It will always hold a special place in my heart.

Standing on the steps of the Nelson Atkins Art Museum in Kansas City. Luckily we were there the night it was open until 9:00 and there was FREE admission. One of my all time favorite art galleries.

I'll expand on some more details and tidbits as the weeks entering school calm down. I will only be working 3 days a week this year. I am job sharing so that I have more time for writing, cleaning and crunching numbers. I am so excited!

The To Do List - Do Not See it if You are Old or Religious

So if you haven't seen this trailer, watch it now.

Now if you were over 50 and on a double date with another 50 year old couple would this be your movie choice? What if you were a couple of 60 year old ladies?

Do people just not know anything about the movies they pay to see?

I went to a 1:00 showing this afternoon. I got there late right as the previews started and the theater was full of other unemployed summer people, mostly old.

When I got up to leave there were only about 10 people left in the theater. I remember seeing a few old peeps get up and walk out, but ALL of them? It was so crazy.
Did they all just randomly pick a movie from the marqee? Did they think it was starring Robert DeNiro? Did they not know it was a highschool movie? I just don't comprehend.
Right there in the trailer is lists, "Blow job, hand job, rim job." Is that not an indication of it's raunchiness?

I personally loved the movie, mostly because I too graduated in 1993 and a lot of the clothes and cultural references were right up my alley. It was funny. It starred funny people and hot guys. It was a girrly sexy movie. They don't make too many of those and I really appreciated it.

I would highly reccommend it as long as you are not over the age of 45 and not a sexually repressed religious person. You won't be able to handle it and you will be missing out.

A Nook, Gwen Stefani, and Chipotle

I sold my Nook. It was a pathetic imitation of my Kindle.

My puppy is almost a dog. Imagine a beagle, but make it shorter and longer like a wiener dog. That's Petey.

I am excited and leery about spending 2 weeks in a car with my children.

I made banana chocolate chip muffins on Sunday.

Every time I write the word 'banana' I think of Gwen Stefani.

I am supposed to start back to work next Monday the 29th, but don't have to thanks to our road trip.

I have almost made it through my summer reading pile. There are 6 books left and I have read 15 so far. The Fountainhead is really going to stall me out for a while.

I scrounged $80 yesterday selling old CD's which I will use today to fuel my wicked Chipotle craving.

My son just broke my Dyson trying clean out the infestation of Kleenex underneath his bed.

I feel the need for a couple of new kittens when we get back in August. I want two sisters and will name them Matilda and Lavender.

I think gymnastics for a 7 year old is awesome. I don't think gymnastics 3 times a week for 3 hours is awesome.

I saw 3 drowned moles on my walk Sunday morning. The big thunderstorm on Saturday night flushed them out. They were big pink and swollen with water. I had never seen anything like it.

What if I took all the big Internet hit words and put them in the title of this post? Would it get more hits?

Pink Houses and Danville Illinois

I spent a majority of my formative years (ages 10-18) in a little tiny town called Danville, Illinois. It is located in central Illinois about 5 miles from the Indiana border. It is very hard for me to summarize my feelings about his town. A lot of shit went down there, good and bad. I went to public middle school there. True I was in the small contained classes with all the gifted kids, but damn if lunch and PE weren't difficult with the masses.
I learned to drive here. I had preteen and teen crushes here. I learned how to shop at the mall here. I had paper routes here. I rode my bike around this town for hours on end. I walked to the corner store to buy Lemonheads and bags of chocolate chips to stash in my room.

But what does John Mellencamp have to do with this? When ever I hear this song, Little Pink Houses, or Small Town I think of dinky little Danville Illinois. Mellencamp is from Indiana and the songs were in pretty heavy rotation in this small town in the 80's. When I think of Danville, the images that are shown in this video play through my head. There are cornfields and highways and trains, small town people and small town houses, but ain't that America? This song makes me feel all patriotic inside and wish for my olden days of 10cent Lemonheads, fireworks at the VW, sitting on picnic tables at the Custard Cup, and putting clothes on layaway at Maurices.

I'm going to stop by in a few weeks while in town for my high school reunion. I went to the fancy high school 30 miles away, so this will be a side trip into the town of my middle school years. The local Danville high school is also having it's reunion that weekend. I hope to see a few familiar faces at the Royal Donut.

Last time I went through town a lot had changed and not necessarily for the better. Some of the kids I knew there are still in town and trying to make it work in this small town and I wish the best for them. It's a hard place to make it. Most of the businesses have moved on. I think SOLO cups and Quaker are still in town. Some of my favorite stores and restaurants were gone. Downtown, after trying to revitalize in the 80's and 90's, seemed to have succumbed to most small town's fate: empty buildings and faded signs.

No matter how faded it's glory, I will always love this town. Get ready Danville, I'm coming home.

Where is my guide?

Just yesterday I was feeling that good time summer feeling.

Today it all turned to crap. The weather changed. It has looked like it was going to thunderstorm any second all day. It's colder, only like 70. I didn't have any cool places to go to today. There were no books to pick up at the library, no deposits to make at the bank, no necessary shopping trips, no ice cream cones. NOTHING.

All the kids' neighborhood friends are at camp this week and I can't just let them all play video games all day. When I cut off the games I just got endless whining about how bored they are. It's enough to drive a person insane.

Then my blade on my rug gun broke and the day just tumbled into a bottomless pit from there. I started reading a sad teen angst novel while listening to the Sundays. I ate a few Oreos and burrowed into the couch. It has not been a good day. There is nothing good on TV today. I feel like I have already read too much and I don't want to sink into another book reading couch coma.

Sometimes it feels like when I read I am procrastinating. It makes me feel guilty for doing something that I love. Shouldn't I be living instead of reading awesome stories about people who aren't really living? Should I be crafting clay and glitter and popsicle things with my children? Are they too old for that? Should I be planning and preparing elaborate healthy dinner for my family with all my extra summer time? Should I be writing that novel that is somewhere inside my head? What should I be doing? I need some sort of guide to tell me. What is the best use of my time at this particular stage in my life? Where is my guru? Where is my guide?

That's what kind of day I'm having.

Photos from the 4th

I'm going deep on photos this week since I have so many awesome ones from last week. I don't usually post too many people shots, but this is my family and I'm going to show them off. 

Did your 4th of July parade have a real eagle? I didn't think so.

It's so patriotic it hurts.

The absolute cutest member of the parade.

What's that over there? Is it an eagle? Yeah, it's the one from the parade the other day.

Holy crap he's 13! This is his Mary Poppins photo.

I really am skinny. I just have huge boobs.

There's a little Captain in him.

I'm not very good at forced perspective photos.

The whole dang family. They are a good looking group and I'm glad they're mine.

Summer time Broke

I work for the school district. This means that I do not get paid in the summer. It's been a month since I've gotten paid and it will be another month before I get paid again. This puts us at a deficit of around $2000 every summer. I should be prepared for this, but I'm not.

Sure we run around and do a lot of cool stuff, but most of that stuff is free or is just the cost of gas.

The European adventure was paid with 4 years worth of savings FYI.

So this week and for the next few weeks we are severly cash poor. Sure there is a lot of money coming in, but it goes out pretty fast too. We have money to pay for everything, but nothing extra.

It drives me crazy.

What is there to do to raise a little extra cash when it is needed? Scrounge the couch cushions for change? Sell some CD's? (Those are audio CDs) Donate plasma? I am at a loss.

I want to continue my confortable lifestyle that I live the other 10 months of the year, but how?

Suggestions please.

University Highschool Class of '93 20th Highschool Reunion

This is me from 1993, my senior photo.
I opted for the au natural photo instead of the posed studio shot.
I wish I could still have hair that long and luxurious.

Now what is very weird about this picture is that is was taken at the Grand Canyon. You might not think it strange, but at the time I was living in Illinois with no idea I would someday settle so close to the Grand Canyon.

I got my year book out the other day because my 20th reunion is coming up in a few weeks. I had to freshen my memory on where I stood in our tiny little class of 38 students. Who dated who, who did I fight with, who did I hang out with, who do I want to try and hang out with at the reunion.
With such a small class it was hard to not be a part of the in-crowd. There wasn't really such a thing. We all knew each other inside and out and for better or for worse. Some girls swapped the same boyfriends back and forth several times since the dating pool was so small.

I am excited, but I'm also a little bit nervous. I have a hard time in social situations that involve large numbers of people and serious mingling. I like to just plant myself in one spot and observe, but most of the time that can be interpreted as anti-social. I want to talk to these people. I want to know what they are up to and see what their kids look like. What I don't want to do is have to wriggle my way into conversations and figure out who wants to talk to me. Maybe no one does. It's possible.

Will my old boyfriend be there? Will it be awkward? Will the only two men I have ever loved get along? Will my husband be bored out of his mind? What will I wear and will it make me look fat? Will my children behave? Will I have to drink alcohol? And if I do will they have champagne?
I am really going to start to stress about this as the date draws closer. I can't Xanax this event because then I will just be  a wallflower, too juiced to participate.

If you are reading this and you are one of my fellow Uni High Class of '93, please go easy on me.

Lee's Ferry and the North Rim of the Grand Canyon

We've lived in Arizona for almost 10 years and are still discovering places we have never seen.

Yesterday we ventured 120 miles north to Lee's Ferry.

I'd gotten a bug in my ear to head up there after reading Down the Great Unknown, an amazing book about the first trek all the way down the Grand Canyon. We live only about 70 miles south of the south rim, but it's not our favorite place. It really is just a great big hole.

But Lee's Ferry is one of the few places where you can reach the Colorado River and actually cross the river and put your feet in. I thought it might be a cool place to see. It's like historical and stuff.

So we get there and THIS is what we see.

My mind was blown. This is the tip of the Grand Canyon, but the cliffs are low on the north side and we just walked down to one of the most intense rivers in the world and there was this amazing beach. It was softer than a Hawaiian beach and softer than a Florida beach and there was no one there. There were little waves lapping the shore and the water was ice cold. We played here for about  2 hours, looking for rocks, finding drift wood, chasing lizards and exploring the shore. I cannot tell you how amazing this little piece of the world is. It is beyond imagination. 

Just up the river a little bit is where all, and I mean all, the river boats set into the river. If you are going to take a trip down the Colorado River this is the only place where you can put a boat in near the Grand Canyon. There is a boat dock and a ranger station, but not much else.

Usually you can stop in Lee's Ferry on your way to Page, but there was a huge road collapse in February which closed the little connector road from here to civilization, so there is not much in the way of refreshment or supplies. There are a few small motels with little tiny restaurants, but if you are looking for fast food, you are out of luck.

When we finished playing we were hot and exhausted and found a Chevron up the road and bought ice cream sandwiches and sodas. It was still early so we decided to keep driving West. It is a long way to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, but it was through some of the most beautiful Arizona scenery. The elevation change is immense, from 3200 ft elevation to 8800 ft at the rim of the canyon. So needless to say the vegetation and geology changes are mind bottling.

This is the Navajo Bridge that crosses the Colorado on the way to the North Rim. In the back ground is the start of the Vermillion Cliffs. Very much like the Cliffs of Insanity.

This is the view of the Colorado River from the Navajo Bridge

As you move from the valley at 4000 ft up to the elevation of the Grand Canyon at almost 9000 feet you can look back down at the Valley and the Vermillion Cliffs.

As soon as we entered into Grand Canyon National Park we saw some black specs in the distance that my husband was convinced were cows, but they weren't. I was screaming "Buffalo, Buffalo!"  I made Carl stop the car and I walked as close as I could to snap these pictures. Carl insisted I go no closer because they do have big horns and are gigantic beasts. We read later that they are not in fact buffalo or bison, but in fact are called beefalo, a strange hybrid of a buffalo and a cow. Whatever they are I was so excited to see them.

And here was our final destination of the day: the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. 

We have been to the south rim about 5-10 times. The kids go there for field trips all the time and we usually go up on the entrance fee-free day every couple of years. We've been there and done that. We had never been to the North Rim before and it was spectacular. It is much more remote to get to. From Flagstaff it's about 230 miles. It's a beautiful drive, but you have to know what you're getting yourself into. The North Rim is only open May 15 through October 15 due to weather conditions. The lodge and the cabins were much more impressive than at the South Rim. The South Rim is more tourist friendly with more dining choices, gift shops and museums. It even has  a bus service that will take you to all the look out points. But the North Rim is for campers and the rugged type. The cabins up there looked right out over the canyon. There are a few more intense walking trails. I recommend the little hike out to Bright Angel Point. It takes you right out into the canyon. It is monsoon season in Northern Arizona so it was clouding up in the afternoon when we were looking out over the canyon. The thunderheads added a different color to the canyon that was dark and foreboding.  We hung around and explored the lodge and the look outs over and around the lodge. 

By this time we were starving and looking for something good to eat. We did not find it at the North Rim. There are very few dining options. There was a saloon that sold pizza slices, but it was full, so we walked across to the main restaurant. It was closed until dinner time, but we could have made a reservation for 5:15, but since it was only 4:00 we decided to keep looking. There was a deli that we had no choice but to eat at. Their options were cold pre-made sandwiches or slices of pizza. The place was sad looking with 16 year olds serving and acting like 16 year olds. The chicken tenders had been soaking in a stew of their own juices for who knows how long and looked like shrivelled up penises. There was the option for chili as well, but it is July in Arizona, who eats chili? We had to go with the pre-made pizza by the slice. $35 later we were not starving, but far from satisfied from our dining experience at the North Rim.  That was the only low point of the day.

We plan to go back up again and look around some more. Maybe stay in one of the little cabins, take the Land Rover and explore all the forest service road and remote look out roads and animal preserves. It was a beautiful magical day exploring places of our state we had never seen. We got home at almost 9:00 tired, sunburned, and hungry.

Next time we will pack in all our own food with a cooler full of sandwiches and cookies.

The 4th in Flagstaff

Photo Courtesy of AZ Daily Sun

Tomorrow is my very favorite holiday. There are no presents involved, no familial obligations and no religious overtones. It's all about community and BBQ.

I love my town. We've almost lived here for 10 years in November and it is an awesome town for the 4th of July. The parade is huge. The whole community comes out and a lot of Phoenix people come up for the ability to sit outside for more than 10 minutes. Everybody who is anybody has a float in the parade. The entire town walks by in 2 hours. I love, love, love it. It's all about getting the best spot on the parade route and then waving to all the folks you know while dressed in your very best red, white, and blue. I live for this day.

Tomorrow my daughter will get to walk in the parade for the very first time with her gymnastics class. She is over the moon about it. Photos soon to follow. We'll probably pick up some donuts in the am and then hang out until the parade starts at 9:00 and then cheer everyone on as they walk the parade route. Ohh I'm getting goosebumps already.

Afterwards we will be heading to a light lunch and then a showing of The Lone Ranger with the whole family. Then we head to my parents house for an afternoon BBQ.

Finally we'll top the day off with some illegal fireworks smuggled in from last summer in Nebraska (don't worry they are only sparklers, we don't want to spark the forest on fire), followed by beer and champagne on the back porch.

That is some good all American livin. I love being an American. You can have all your politics and internation issues, but to me I celebrate America by simply celebrating community, parades, BBQ and beer.

Nelson Atkins Art Gallery Cloister

I've been researching our road trip and trying to decide what to see in each of our stops and it just came to me the other day that I must take my children and my husband to the Nelson-Atkins Museum in Kansas City.
I lived in Grandview, Missouri, a suberb of KC, from 1981- 86. Some of my most vivid memories of living there include spending time at this museum. I took art classes there in the summer in real artist's studios and it was in this room that I fell in love with architecture.

The cloister.

 

There is an etherial light in this little room that has stuck in my mind for over 30 years. This space was like nothing I had ever seen or felt when I first came here as a child. It was peaceful, it was beautiful, it was pure architecture and pure art. I fell in love immediately. When I read From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E Frankweiler, this was the museum and the room that I imagined that I would run away too.

I still think about this place, but I think I just now realized that this is where I learned to love beautiful buildings. Kansas City if full of art and architecture. The museum itself (minus the modern addition) is gorgeous. I was there for the restoration of Union Station and remember on special occasions heading to the Plaza to eat at a fancy restaurant, usually during Christmas to see the Plaza lights.

I have to share these things with my family. That is what roadtrips are about. I don't think this room will have the same affect on my children, but maybe they will see something that will inspire them.