It's been five months now that I have been medicated. I would like to think this is now my even keel attitude.
I'm a little hesitant to want to stay on drugs my entire life. I know I could. I'm just crazy enough to need full time medication,but there are certain things that I miss about being so emotional and anxiety ridden.
I miss music. It used to just get me right down to my volcanic core. A song could save me or condemn me in the middle of the day or at night as I fell to sleep. I could be carried away by almost any classical song, Dolly Parton, the Deftones, almost anything from the 80's or 90's and I miss that. I don't get that feeling under my skin anymore when I listen to music. Now music just feels like background. It no longer sets the tone of my day or can whip my attitude around in a heartbeat. It's probably good that it no longer does this to me, but still I miss all the emotion tied into music.
I do love the moods I have now when dealing with my children. They can drive me crazy and then a half hour later I'm laughing and joking with them as usual. I don't take their fueds and endless banter as personally. I now realize that they are just kids. They will not behave like adults no matter how much I want them to. I see the patterns in their behavior better and can shrug off the sugar induced and sleep deprived tantrums, knowing it's not really them at that moment, but just a sugar fiend or an overtired child. So overall that is an awesome improvment over myself from 6 months ago.
I'm still feeling generally numb as far as overwhelming emotions go. I would like to feel more, but know that I can't handle more. It's a horrible catch-22. I can either feel everything and be miserable, or just feel the edges of feelings and be a fully functional member of society. I have a clarity and a distance that I didn't have before. I used to feel like I was floundering and overwhelmed by everything, but now everything feels managable. I don't know that I would have figured out my desire to work with books as a librarian if I had stayed unmedicated. My mind was too muddled to figure it out. So that is an amazing outcome of taking medication.
My counting is under control and I don't overthink everything like I used to. I will never be footloose and talkative and outgoing, but at least now I can function like a regular introvert.
Overall the good things outweigh the negative, but I do miss the way I could write for 2 hours getting all the crap out of my head and onto paper. I miss being cranky and pissed off at everyone. I miss flipping off any bad driver who crossed my path. I miss crying while listening to music. I miss so many things, but I know I'm better off this way. It just takes some getting used to. Now that I don't remember as vividly how sick I really was back in March, it's easier for me to think that I wasn't really that bad. But I know this is just me transitioning from that person to a better person and missing her and still looking forward to this new better behaved person.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The Ipad as E-reader
I just finished reading my first ever book in it's entirety on an e-reader.
I've been trying to do this ever since I bought my ipad. It's actually filled with books. I've got not only the E-books ap, but the Kindle ap and a couple of other no name apps with free classic books.
I chose to read Mansfield Park. It's the only Jane Austen book I haven't read and it seemed the quickest of all the classics I have downloaded.
Overall the reading went great. My only issue was not being able to constantly see how far along I am. There are no page numbers. If you tap the bottom of the screen it will give you some strange numbers and a percentage of completion, but no page numbers. This frustrated me to no end. I like to put the book mark in the book and see my progress. This is not totally possible with the Kindle ap. The Ibook ap does not have this problem. There are page numbers on every page. As for the ipad in general as an e-reader, the pages were easy to read, the lighting and font were great. The size of the pages was even similar to a real book. It was easier to read while eating vs. a real book and my hand didn't get cramped like it sometimes does when reading huge books like Atlas Shrugged or Anna Karenina.
The reason why I have never used to ipad as an e-reader is because I have to fight to get my turn with it. The kids love to play games on it. My husband surfs the Internet constantly with it and it seemed like whenever I had it in my lap to read, it would remind everyone else of what the wanted to do on the ipad. I always felt rushed to finish a chapter so that someone else could have a turn. No one ever bothers me when I have a real book in my hand. Short of actually buying another couple ipads or shelling out for a Kindle I don't think I will read too many books on the ipad. If was just my ipad, then sure I'd read more often, but with 3 kids and a husband who loves gadgets and web surfing I don't think I'll ever be able to convince them to let me use it as a book again.
I love my books. I love to see them arranged on my bookshelves. I love the colors and the shapes and the smell of the paper. I love the portability. I love not having to charge them up at the end of the day. I like not worrying about battery power. Sure it's convenient to be able to have a book wirelessly delivered, but I still have a hard time paying money for a computer file to read. If I'm going to pay money, then I want a book in my hand and not a file that could possibly be obsolete in a few years. I want a book that I can take and sell back to a book store and trade in for another book. That isn't an option yet with e-books.
I can say I've given it the old college try, but I am not a convert. I'm not saying I'll never read another e-book, but for a while at least physical books are still going to be what I love and what I read and collect.
I've been trying to do this ever since I bought my ipad. It's actually filled with books. I've got not only the E-books ap, but the Kindle ap and a couple of other no name apps with free classic books.
I chose to read Mansfield Park. It's the only Jane Austen book I haven't read and it seemed the quickest of all the classics I have downloaded.
Overall the reading went great. My only issue was not being able to constantly see how far along I am. There are no page numbers. If you tap the bottom of the screen it will give you some strange numbers and a percentage of completion, but no page numbers. This frustrated me to no end. I like to put the book mark in the book and see my progress. This is not totally possible with the Kindle ap. The Ibook ap does not have this problem. There are page numbers on every page. As for the ipad in general as an e-reader, the pages were easy to read, the lighting and font were great. The size of the pages was even similar to a real book. It was easier to read while eating vs. a real book and my hand didn't get cramped like it sometimes does when reading huge books like Atlas Shrugged or Anna Karenina.
The reason why I have never used to ipad as an e-reader is because I have to fight to get my turn with it. The kids love to play games on it. My husband surfs the Internet constantly with it and it seemed like whenever I had it in my lap to read, it would remind everyone else of what the wanted to do on the ipad. I always felt rushed to finish a chapter so that someone else could have a turn. No one ever bothers me when I have a real book in my hand. Short of actually buying another couple ipads or shelling out for a Kindle I don't think I will read too many books on the ipad. If was just my ipad, then sure I'd read more often, but with 3 kids and a husband who loves gadgets and web surfing I don't think I'll ever be able to convince them to let me use it as a book again.
I love my books. I love to see them arranged on my bookshelves. I love the colors and the shapes and the smell of the paper. I love the portability. I love not having to charge them up at the end of the day. I like not worrying about battery power. Sure it's convenient to be able to have a book wirelessly delivered, but I still have a hard time paying money for a computer file to read. If I'm going to pay money, then I want a book in my hand and not a file that could possibly be obsolete in a few years. I want a book that I can take and sell back to a book store and trade in for another book. That isn't an option yet with e-books.
I can say I've given it the old college try, but I am not a convert. I'm not saying I'll never read another e-book, but for a while at least physical books are still going to be what I love and what I read and collect.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Eat, Pray, Love vs. Hot Tub Time Machine
I am very far from a movie critic, but I'm going to add my two cents on some movies I saw this weekend.
Hot Tub Time Machine: I loved this movie. It was silly, funny and visually entertaining. It made me laugh out loud, but it doesn't take much for me. I love John Cusack and I loved the ridiculousness of being able to travel back in time in a hot tub with a guide like Chevy Chase. It's a great movie.
Eat Pray Love: I loved this movie too. I'm not a huge Julia Roberts fan, but I thought she did well in this movie and Javier Bardem was awesome as usual. It was a beautiful movie. I love travel movies so this one was a no brainer for me to like. The only scene that really bothered me was when Liz was supposed to seem so crazy and out of control by eating pasta. I think that was just ridiculous. Maybe people in Hollywood don't know that most of us eat pasta all the time and it is not the least bit sinful. I myself eat it at least 2-3 times a week and (this is so crazy) I'm not fat. That was an insulting scene to me, but maybe I'm not like most people. The critics kind of slammed this movie, but I hate critics. They see so many movies they don't even know what is entertaining anymore. I loved it. Go see it.
Kick Ass: This movie rocked too. I'm not into all the violence so my eyes were covered frequently, but all it all it was really cool. The 11 year old as a bad-ass was awesome. The teenager as a wanna-be superhero was cool too. See this one too.
I''ll see pretty much anything that looks remotely entertaining. But I'm getting really pissed off reading critics reviews for movies. I was so excited to go see Dinner For Schmucks, but then I heard so many bad reviews that I have not seen it yet. Why would I listen to them. I know I'll love it. It has Paul Rudd and Steve Carell in it. How could it be bad? My version of bad is so much different than a critics. I didn't really like Inception. Critics loved it. The last bad movie I saw was Kristen Bell in When in Rome. That really sucked, but I still enjoyed the scenery and the clothes. I loved Date Night. It's hit and miss with every single person. That is why I have decided to never judge a movie by what a critic says. If it looks good to me I will see it.
Here I come Dinner for Schmucks!
Hot Tub Time Machine: I loved this movie. It was silly, funny and visually entertaining. It made me laugh out loud, but it doesn't take much for me. I love John Cusack and I loved the ridiculousness of being able to travel back in time in a hot tub with a guide like Chevy Chase. It's a great movie.
Eat Pray Love: I loved this movie too. I'm not a huge Julia Roberts fan, but I thought she did well in this movie and Javier Bardem was awesome as usual. It was a beautiful movie. I love travel movies so this one was a no brainer for me to like. The only scene that really bothered me was when Liz was supposed to seem so crazy and out of control by eating pasta. I think that was just ridiculous. Maybe people in Hollywood don't know that most of us eat pasta all the time and it is not the least bit sinful. I myself eat it at least 2-3 times a week and (this is so crazy) I'm not fat. That was an insulting scene to me, but maybe I'm not like most people. The critics kind of slammed this movie, but I hate critics. They see so many movies they don't even know what is entertaining anymore. I loved it. Go see it.
Kick Ass: This movie rocked too. I'm not into all the violence so my eyes were covered frequently, but all it all it was really cool. The 11 year old as a bad-ass was awesome. The teenager as a wanna-be superhero was cool too. See this one too.
I''ll see pretty much anything that looks remotely entertaining. But I'm getting really pissed off reading critics reviews for movies. I was so excited to go see Dinner For Schmucks, but then I heard so many bad reviews that I have not seen it yet. Why would I listen to them. I know I'll love it. It has Paul Rudd and Steve Carell in it. How could it be bad? My version of bad is so much different than a critics. I didn't really like Inception. Critics loved it. The last bad movie I saw was Kristen Bell in When in Rome. That really sucked, but I still enjoyed the scenery and the clothes. I loved Date Night. It's hit and miss with every single person. That is why I have decided to never judge a movie by what a critic says. If it looks good to me I will see it.
Here I come Dinner for Schmucks!
Friday, August 13, 2010
To Be A Librarian
I'm working on my application to U of A and trying to get all the letters of recommendation, and essays and transcripts pulled together. It's hard. They should let you in just for completing all the myriad tasks they require for application. You almost need a personal secretary to get it done.
I'm only applying to one school now. U of A has strange start times for their Library and Information Science program. I apply by Sept 1, and then school would start Jan 3. If I can't make that deadline, or don't get in, I'll hopefully get into a volunteer program at the public library or at my kid's school library and get a better letter of recommendation from an actual librarian and apply again to U of A, the U of I, and then Syracuse University for a fall of 2011 start.
The idea is to either get in at the In-State-Tuition school, or apply to my Alma-mater, or at the Premiere Librarian school in NY. I'll have to take the GRE to apply for fall admission. That is a little daunting, but I'm pretty good at standardized tests.
I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed for U of A in January though.
I just can't imagine that someone won't let me in. I am the very picture of a librarian. Most of the time I wear my hair in a bun. My entire house is covered in books. I mean literally in every room (except the kitchen and bathrooms) I have multiple bookshelves. I have 4 cats. I never leave the house without a book and usually while in the house I am either reading a book or within an arm's reach of a book. I even know the shelves at Barnes and Noble better then the employees as I often help patrons find exactly the book they are looking for and sometimes even suggest a comparable substitute. I need to go to school to get this degree. I just need to be able to convince admissions people of that.
Would it be allowable to send in the admissions people photos of my bookshelves and links to this blog?
I'm only applying to one school now. U of A has strange start times for their Library and Information Science program. I apply by Sept 1, and then school would start Jan 3. If I can't make that deadline, or don't get in, I'll hopefully get into a volunteer program at the public library or at my kid's school library and get a better letter of recommendation from an actual librarian and apply again to U of A, the U of I, and then Syracuse University for a fall of 2011 start.
The idea is to either get in at the In-State-Tuition school, or apply to my Alma-mater, or at the Premiere Librarian school in NY. I'll have to take the GRE to apply for fall admission. That is a little daunting, but I'm pretty good at standardized tests.
I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed for U of A in January though.
I just can't imagine that someone won't let me in. I am the very picture of a librarian. Most of the time I wear my hair in a bun. My entire house is covered in books. I mean literally in every room (except the kitchen and bathrooms) I have multiple bookshelves. I have 4 cats. I never leave the house without a book and usually while in the house I am either reading a book or within an arm's reach of a book. I even know the shelves at Barnes and Noble better then the employees as I often help patrons find exactly the book they are looking for and sometimes even suggest a comparable substitute. I need to go to school to get this degree. I just need to be able to convince admissions people of that.
Would it be allowable to send in the admissions people photos of my bookshelves and links to this blog?
Monday, August 9, 2010
Home Sweet Home with Rice Crispies
So we've been out of town for a while. First we were in Lake Las Vegas and then in San Diego. I'll be the first to admit I am not a great traveller, but I love to travel. I've already admitted my mad love for Rick Steves and anything else involving new strange different places, but I also have OCD which can make for a very difficult time when traveling.
I need my Rice Crispies, my chocolate milk with dinner, I need an Embassy Suites (preferably), and I need my HGTV to fall asleep to at night. If there is any interruption in my very detailed night time and day time rituals I get a little antsy and irritated. I can't handle not having my regular foods. I can't handle not having what I need when I need it.
So I can wish and hope and plan my European travels all I want, but when I think back to the two weeks I spent in France in 1993 all I can remember is how uncomfortable I was. I didn't think I would ever make it home. I lived on french bread and ice cream from street vendors. The hotels sucked and I hated the thought of all the weird creepy people in the streets who smelled. It was very traumatic in a way.
I'm torn. I would love to see the world, but I just don't know how well I could handle myself. I had a hard time at my sister's place last week. She was missing a few basic kitchen implements and a trash can in the bathroom and it was hurting my brain to think how she could live without those things. It just seemed unfathomable to me. It's weird little things like that that make my brain freak out.
Sure I keep it to myself and it makes it seem less strange, and yes it will be easier for me to travel when I'm older and not toting around small children, but for now I'll stick to planned vacations at Embassy Suites where I know the room layout and I know they have all the Rice Crispies I need right downstairs in the free breakfast buffet.
I need my Rice Crispies, my chocolate milk with dinner, I need an Embassy Suites (preferably), and I need my HGTV to fall asleep to at night. If there is any interruption in my very detailed night time and day time rituals I get a little antsy and irritated. I can't handle not having my regular foods. I can't handle not having what I need when I need it.
So I can wish and hope and plan my European travels all I want, but when I think back to the two weeks I spent in France in 1993 all I can remember is how uncomfortable I was. I didn't think I would ever make it home. I lived on french bread and ice cream from street vendors. The hotels sucked and I hated the thought of all the weird creepy people in the streets who smelled. It was very traumatic in a way.
I'm torn. I would love to see the world, but I just don't know how well I could handle myself. I had a hard time at my sister's place last week. She was missing a few basic kitchen implements and a trash can in the bathroom and it was hurting my brain to think how she could live without those things. It just seemed unfathomable to me. It's weird little things like that that make my brain freak out.
Sure I keep it to myself and it makes it seem less strange, and yes it will be easier for me to travel when I'm older and not toting around small children, but for now I'll stick to planned vacations at Embassy Suites where I know the room layout and I know they have all the Rice Crispies I need right downstairs in the free breakfast buffet.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Adding to the Family
I am now officially an aunt. I mean I've been an aunt, but not to a blood relative, just to my husband's half-brother's kids. It's not the same as being an aunt to your own sister's kid. It's like if something would happen to my sister and her husband (you know in a Charles Dickens kind of way) I would have to take the little orphan in to live with me. That is so cool.
I can now say, "My neice." Which I've never been able to say before. She can come spend her summers here when she's older to get out of the city and spend some time at her Auntie Em's country house. That's kind of catchy don't ya think? Auntie Em.
If only they had named her Dorothy.
I can now say, "My neice." Which I've never been able to say before. She can come spend her summers here when she's older to get out of the city and spend some time at her Auntie Em's country house. That's kind of catchy don't ya think? Auntie Em.
If only they had named her Dorothy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)