Starting to write again is the first thing on my list of To Do's now that I'm starting to regain my saneness. The first question that pops into my head is whether or not I'm a better writer all crazied up or with all of my senses? I've written all my life and I would argue that I've been varrying shades of crazy my whole life. Are the two related? Do I write more or less when I'm grounded or when I'm spinning off of walls inside my head?
It seems like I only write about being crazy when I'm decidedly not crazy. When I'm in the midst of a anxiety laden hormone induced craze I seldom if ever regocnize it. Things so normal and get so out of control. Did that person just cut me off? What was she insinuating by that comment? How many ceiling tiles are in this room? Have I thoroughally researched which hotels to stay at in the Lake Como area of Italy for when I take a trip there... someday? How many ceiling tiles were there? I better count again.
That is/was my normal brain function. At the time though it doesn't seem strange. It seems like a normal day in my head.
Luckily for me I started charting my crazy. I was marking the days that seemed to send me over the edge. There was a distinct pattern. I noticed that things were not getting better permanently. They would just recede for a week or two and there flare up worse than before until I cracked and decided I HAD to see a doctor to get my head back on straight.
It's frustrating to realize that you're crazy, have been crazy, and will probably always be a little bit crazy. I can change my diet, I can take pills, but it will always be there in the background waiting for me to slip.
It's such a different view out of this window.
There are things that I want to do that I cannot do when I am trying to fight my mind. It had become such a battle and now it is a habit to not get things done. As the drugs sink deeper and deeper into my head I will gradually get all my abilities back and be able to take over the world in a Martha Stewart like fashion, or maybe more like Jen Lancaster or Heather Armstrong.
Step one is take the drugs.
Step two is write more.
Step three is shop less.
Step four is sell some rugs.
The world is my oyster.
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