Some days this whole no/less sugar thing is a real bitch.
It's Friday afternoon. I should be able to throw down a few Oreo's right? The temptation is there. I know I will feel like crap afterward, but this taste is what it getting me. I want that creamy chocolately goodness in my mouth. Talking about it isn't making it any better.
Usually when I get this sugar craving I pop a couple of my gummy vitamins. I figure the vitamin part counteracts the high fructose corn syrup of the gummyness. It keeps me from eating those Oreos or the pink and white sprinkled circus cookies. Damn! Why do I even have that crap in my house?
The sacrifice is obviously worth the fight. I'm skinnier. I feel better and I must even say that I am still wearing my tight Lucky jeans even though I am home for the day and have every reason to put on my sweats and call it a day. The pants feel fine and my head feels like a normal person.
My next task is to not buy any books for 2 weeks. Recently my book addiction has been kicked into high gear with the influx of extra roof insurance funds. I've been on a 10 books a week kick which I know I need to cut back on. I've run out of shelf space and my to be read pile is rubbing elbows with me now on my desk while I type. I'm gonna go cold turkey until we get back from Vegas in 2 weeks after my oldest son's birthday. I'm going to try and go that long without buying any new books or even checking out a pile from the library and just see what happens. It's kind of scary, but it's a small goal I think I can easily conquer. Buying books is an obsessive thing for me and I'm trying to stop being obsessive.
No Books and No Oreos. What the hell am I thinking?
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Am I Normal?
Starting to write again is the first thing on my list of To Do's now that I'm starting to regain my saneness. The first question that pops into my head is whether or not I'm a better writer all crazied up or with all of my senses? I've written all my life and I would argue that I've been varrying shades of crazy my whole life. Are the two related? Do I write more or less when I'm grounded or when I'm spinning off of walls inside my head?
It seems like I only write about being crazy when I'm decidedly not crazy. When I'm in the midst of a anxiety laden hormone induced craze I seldom if ever regocnize it. Things so normal and get so out of control. Did that person just cut me off? What was she insinuating by that comment? How many ceiling tiles are in this room? Have I thoroughally researched which hotels to stay at in the Lake Como area of Italy for when I take a trip there... someday? How many ceiling tiles were there? I better count again.
That is/was my normal brain function. At the time though it doesn't seem strange. It seems like a normal day in my head.
Luckily for me I started charting my crazy. I was marking the days that seemed to send me over the edge. There was a distinct pattern. I noticed that things were not getting better permanently. They would just recede for a week or two and there flare up worse than before until I cracked and decided I HAD to see a doctor to get my head back on straight.
It's frustrating to realize that you're crazy, have been crazy, and will probably always be a little bit crazy. I can change my diet, I can take pills, but it will always be there in the background waiting for me to slip.
It's such a different view out of this window.
There are things that I want to do that I cannot do when I am trying to fight my mind. It had become such a battle and now it is a habit to not get things done. As the drugs sink deeper and deeper into my head I will gradually get all my abilities back and be able to take over the world in a Martha Stewart like fashion, or maybe more like Jen Lancaster or Heather Armstrong.
Step one is take the drugs.
Step two is write more.
Step three is shop less.
Step four is sell some rugs.
The world is my oyster.
It seems like I only write about being crazy when I'm decidedly not crazy. When I'm in the midst of a anxiety laden hormone induced craze I seldom if ever regocnize it. Things so normal and get so out of control. Did that person just cut me off? What was she insinuating by that comment? How many ceiling tiles are in this room? Have I thoroughally researched which hotels to stay at in the Lake Como area of Italy for when I take a trip there... someday? How many ceiling tiles were there? I better count again.
That is/was my normal brain function. At the time though it doesn't seem strange. It seems like a normal day in my head.
Luckily for me I started charting my crazy. I was marking the days that seemed to send me over the edge. There was a distinct pattern. I noticed that things were not getting better permanently. They would just recede for a week or two and there flare up worse than before until I cracked and decided I HAD to see a doctor to get my head back on straight.
It's frustrating to realize that you're crazy, have been crazy, and will probably always be a little bit crazy. I can change my diet, I can take pills, but it will always be there in the background waiting for me to slip.
It's such a different view out of this window.
There are things that I want to do that I cannot do when I am trying to fight my mind. It had become such a battle and now it is a habit to not get things done. As the drugs sink deeper and deeper into my head I will gradually get all my abilities back and be able to take over the world in a Martha Stewart like fashion, or maybe more like Jen Lancaster or Heather Armstrong.
Step one is take the drugs.
Step two is write more.
Step three is shop less.
Step four is sell some rugs.
The world is my oyster.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Psychadelic Drugs
I think I am finally beginning to feel the effects of my mood altering drugs. It's been almost two weeks and I feel a lot more EVEN. That's the best word I can think of to describe this feeling. I can think my scary thoughts and they just slip right on by instead of my mind seizing on them and devouring them until I am sitting in a corner trying to count the floor tiles repeatedly.
I can sit at my computer and actually get stuff done without getting so easily distracted by Perez or Ancestry.com or just spending worthless hours surfing Amazon for the next book that I MUST read.
Now this could just be the regular even keel I float on these two weeks when my hormones are pretty level.
Next week will be the real test. That's the week that I start to slip into PMS, slowly but surely starting me on an internal rage that lasts usually 2 weeks. If I still feel good by next Friday then the drugs are working.
As far as side effects go, I've been a little nauseous and had weird splitting flashes of pain in weird spots in my head. Of course those could be related to the significant absence of sugar in my diet as well. Those two don't bother me so much as the much more often complained about side effects of weight gain and certain frustrating sexual side effects. Time will tell on those two.
Hopefully I will also be able to write here more often and find some nice range in between totally stark raving mad and typical boring drugged housewife.
I can sit at my computer and actually get stuff done without getting so easily distracted by Perez or Ancestry.com or just spending worthless hours surfing Amazon for the next book that I MUST read.
Now this could just be the regular even keel I float on these two weeks when my hormones are pretty level.
Next week will be the real test. That's the week that I start to slip into PMS, slowly but surely starting me on an internal rage that lasts usually 2 weeks. If I still feel good by next Friday then the drugs are working.
As far as side effects go, I've been a little nauseous and had weird splitting flashes of pain in weird spots in my head. Of course those could be related to the significant absence of sugar in my diet as well. Those two don't bother me so much as the much more often complained about side effects of weight gain and certain frustrating sexual side effects. Time will tell on those two.
Hopefully I will also be able to write here more often and find some nice range in between totally stark raving mad and typical boring drugged housewife.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Sugar Free Me
While I would never say I was overweight, I would say that my ideal weight is at 130 and not where I usuallly hover between 135-138. It's not enough of a difference for me to really make the effort to eat less. I love my curves and I am probably just as afraid of being too thin as I am of being too fat. I go to the gym at least 3 times a week. I'm fit and healthy so the extra 5 lbs never bothered me. I would always think to myself that I should really cut out the Oreos, candy, cookies, ice cream, and marshmallows, but I never was really motivated to do it for the weight.
On the other hand, now that I know all that sugar was seriously effing with my head it's been a sinch to cut it out.
My point here is that the weight was not a motivating factor, but the crazy cure motivation is pure gold. I am (was) seriously sick in the head and a good deal of that seems to have been caused by a serious overdose on Easter candy and my addiction to marshmallows and M&M's. I never would have guessed that, but after a mostly sugar free week, I feel a million times better.
Am I reading the wrong magazines? Have I been missing something all these years? Why does the media seem to focus on cutting out sugar to lose weight and not focus on the mood altering affects. Sugar is a drug and for people like me that are very sensitive to alterations in mood it's even a very addcitive drug. Now I'm not advocating cutting it out altogether. I'm still gonna have ice cream once a week and I'm gonna still have a cookie now and again, but never again will the above listed items be a part of my daily food intake. I feel like an idiot for never noticing the effects of sugar on my mood. HELLO! It's like a light has been turned on in my brain and it seems so simple, but no for the past 3 years I've been shoveling in sugar like it was going out of style.
It's hard some days to not reach into the Oreo bag like I usually do after lunch, but if I think it will help me be a normal person again then I'm all for having some Wheat Thins instead, and as a wonderful side effect I might finally be able to stay at 130! Which if you think about it is really more like 125 since 5 lbs is taken up by my 34DDD's.
On the other hand, now that I know all that sugar was seriously effing with my head it's been a sinch to cut it out.
My point here is that the weight was not a motivating factor, but the crazy cure motivation is pure gold. I am (was) seriously sick in the head and a good deal of that seems to have been caused by a serious overdose on Easter candy and my addiction to marshmallows and M&M's. I never would have guessed that, but after a mostly sugar free week, I feel a million times better.
Am I reading the wrong magazines? Have I been missing something all these years? Why does the media seem to focus on cutting out sugar to lose weight and not focus on the mood altering affects. Sugar is a drug and for people like me that are very sensitive to alterations in mood it's even a very addcitive drug. Now I'm not advocating cutting it out altogether. I'm still gonna have ice cream once a week and I'm gonna still have a cookie now and again, but never again will the above listed items be a part of my daily food intake. I feel like an idiot for never noticing the effects of sugar on my mood. HELLO! It's like a light has been turned on in my brain and it seems so simple, but no for the past 3 years I've been shoveling in sugar like it was going out of style.
It's hard some days to not reach into the Oreo bag like I usually do after lunch, but if I think it will help me be a normal person again then I'm all for having some Wheat Thins instead, and as a wonderful side effect I might finally be able to stay at 130! Which if you think about it is really more like 125 since 5 lbs is taken up by my 34DDD's.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Mega April Update
Sometimes life gets in the way of internetting.
First off Rupert died last Wednesday. We brought him home and he still wouldn't eat. I took him back to the vet and the doctor said there wasn't much he could do for him short of months of $$$$ hospitalization and even then he wouldn't be the same cat. He had withered away to almost nothing, but I didn't have the heart to be the one that made the euthanization decision. I left it to Carl. He is an amazing man. He even held Rupert while he fell asleep. It's a lot quiter around here without him and I get a little teary when I type his name into our computer as the security password. (I probably shouldn't have broadcast that).
Birthdays Birthdays and Easter. That always seems to get in the way of me sitting down and writing like I really want to. Also it's field trip season here in Flagstaff which is such a time suck.
Maybe I should just list all my crazy update points.
1. Bought my almost 10 yr old a phone. I said I never would, but he is getting hard to keep tabs on.
2. Bought my dear husband a radio for his delivery truck. He is so happy. It's the best birthday present I've gotten him in a while.
3. Still waiting to hear back from Jowanna at B/A. The numbers she quoted me did not include taxes and insurance. I sent her back to set up an escrow account and see if she could include our current taxes due.
4. I'll probably save this for another longer post, but I had a major meltdown on Sunday/Monday. After seeing 2 doctors this week we have come to the conclusion that I suffer from PMDD, which while laughable in pharmaceutical commercials, can actually be a real thing if you already have diagnosed OCD and anxiety disorders. My hormones are fluctuating on 2 week cycles that are jacking up my ability to control my regular crazy with my PMS crazy.
5. I will now be taking an anti anxiety medication to level my moods and also will be cutting back on all refined sugars and flours (simple carbohydrates). Needless to say these two items are found in almost all of my favorite foods. This will be a struggle, but if it means no meds eventually, then I'll cut out my cookies and ice cream and french bread with butter. I'll limit them to only being consumed on Saturdays. I've got to have cookies and donuts and ice cream and pancakes at least once a week.
That's it, but it seems like a lot. I'm going to start this year over again starting May 1. I've been all kinds of crazy this year. I've been letting my anxiety get the best of me and it has been keeping me from doing the things I really want to do with my life. Money is not holding me back. I am holding me back. I can do anything. I have done anything and everything already, I just need to get back to being that person again. I hate taking pills, but if thats what it takes now, then I will. I can only fight my crazy by myself for so long. I'm strong, but I'm not invincible. The stress of not working and the loan mod have taken their toll and I need a life preserver to pull me back onto the boat. I know that's a corny metaphor, but hey it makes sense here.
Carl and I have been saying this a lot this year, 2010 will be a year of change. We are seeing it everyday. We may not lose our house. I'm not going to lose my mind, but things are going to change and for the better this year.
On a lighter note..... I think I might have to start watching Glee. I'm not a big fan of theater production and that type of song and dance, but when I saw this video http://perezhilton.com/2010-04-14-in-case-you-missed-it-211 it made me want to start watching the show. That and I was thinking I would pay someone a lot of money to produce a video of me recreating a Madonna video. That sounds like a great idea to me. Jane Lynch looks fantastic. How did they make her look so good. She sounded amazing too. I want that!
First off Rupert died last Wednesday. We brought him home and he still wouldn't eat. I took him back to the vet and the doctor said there wasn't much he could do for him short of months of $$$$ hospitalization and even then he wouldn't be the same cat. He had withered away to almost nothing, but I didn't have the heart to be the one that made the euthanization decision. I left it to Carl. He is an amazing man. He even held Rupert while he fell asleep. It's a lot quiter around here without him and I get a little teary when I type his name into our computer as the security password. (I probably shouldn't have broadcast that).
Birthdays Birthdays and Easter. That always seems to get in the way of me sitting down and writing like I really want to. Also it's field trip season here in Flagstaff which is such a time suck.
Maybe I should just list all my crazy update points.
1. Bought my almost 10 yr old a phone. I said I never would, but he is getting hard to keep tabs on.
2. Bought my dear husband a radio for his delivery truck. He is so happy. It's the best birthday present I've gotten him in a while.
3. Still waiting to hear back from Jowanna at B/A. The numbers she quoted me did not include taxes and insurance. I sent her back to set up an escrow account and see if she could include our current taxes due.
4. I'll probably save this for another longer post, but I had a major meltdown on Sunday/Monday. After seeing 2 doctors this week we have come to the conclusion that I suffer from PMDD, which while laughable in pharmaceutical commercials, can actually be a real thing if you already have diagnosed OCD and anxiety disorders. My hormones are fluctuating on 2 week cycles that are jacking up my ability to control my regular crazy with my PMS crazy.
5. I will now be taking an anti anxiety medication to level my moods and also will be cutting back on all refined sugars and flours (simple carbohydrates). Needless to say these two items are found in almost all of my favorite foods. This will be a struggle, but if it means no meds eventually, then I'll cut out my cookies and ice cream and french bread with butter. I'll limit them to only being consumed on Saturdays. I've got to have cookies and donuts and ice cream and pancakes at least once a week.
That's it, but it seems like a lot. I'm going to start this year over again starting May 1. I've been all kinds of crazy this year. I've been letting my anxiety get the best of me and it has been keeping me from doing the things I really want to do with my life. Money is not holding me back. I am holding me back. I can do anything. I have done anything and everything already, I just need to get back to being that person again. I hate taking pills, but if thats what it takes now, then I will. I can only fight my crazy by myself for so long. I'm strong, but I'm not invincible. The stress of not working and the loan mod have taken their toll and I need a life preserver to pull me back onto the boat. I know that's a corny metaphor, but hey it makes sense here.
Carl and I have been saying this a lot this year, 2010 will be a year of change. We are seeing it everyday. We may not lose our house. I'm not going to lose my mind, but things are going to change and for the better this year.
On a lighter note..... I think I might have to start watching Glee. I'm not a big fan of theater production and that type of song and dance, but when I saw this video http://perezhilton.com/2010-04-14-in-case-you-missed-it-211 it made me want to start watching the show. That and I was thinking I would pay someone a lot of money to produce a video of me recreating a Madonna video. That sounds like a great idea to me. Jane Lynch looks fantastic. How did they make her look so good. She sounded amazing too. I want that!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Modification Results
I know it's been a while. The shit really hit the fan the last couple of weeks.
Rupert, the best cat in the world, was gravely ill the past week or two. I won't bore you with all the cat/vet details, but he had liver failure and nearly died. We are nursing him back to health slowly but surely. He went from my big squishy 18lb Garfield cat to an 11 lb skinny yellow cat.
My dad has been in the hospital for the last week with a strange infection that was eating part of his hand, not a flesh eating disease, but it's close slower moving cousin.
I had comletely given up on Jowanna since my friend said it took her 10 months to get a modification. Jowanna called me Saturday morning at 8:00 (I know. WTF?) I missed the call, and called Luis Monday to get the 411 and was told that all she did was submit an offer to the investors. I forgot about it again and just figured I'd wait another week or two to hear back. Wrong.
I got a phone call this morning at 8:30. It was Jowanna with the modification results! I could hardly get to a pen and paper fast enough. Here's the deets:
Our current loan has a payment of $3803.73 a month with a 7.5% interest rate.
Our new payment for the first 2 years will be $2445.11 with a 3% rate.
The next two years will be $2711.02 with a 4% rate.
Starting on year number 5 and from then on the interest rate will be fixed at 5% for the life of the loan and a payment of $2972.16.
And we don't have to make the first payment until June 1.
Now I forgot to ask if that included taxes and insurance. I was led to believe that it did, but I am double checking that.
I think it's a pretty good deal if it includes taxes and insurance. If not then I'm not too impressed. That would only be a drop of about $1358. If it includes taxes and insurance that's a drop of $1706 which kicks ass.
With those numbers we should be able to stay in the house which is a load off. We were not looking forward to moving at all. There aren't too many people who will rent to a family of 5 with 5 cats. We would have had to downsize (cats not kids). I'm a little scared if we still have to pay property tax out of our own pocket or if there is more to those numbers Jowanna gave me, but things look a little better now.
It's a new month I feel a little bit more setteled. I feel like we can move ahead and not keep worrying about what comes next. There will be no new fresh start and a new house in town, but we will be able to stay in the house that we know and love despite it's numerous faults.
So what does this mean for you? I will no longer be talking about my loan mod non-stop. I can branch back into the exciting topics I was discussing before. I will have a little extra fundage to start selling my rugs and maybe a little bit more time to write again and not this kind of drivel.
Rupert, the best cat in the world, was gravely ill the past week or two. I won't bore you with all the cat/vet details, but he had liver failure and nearly died. We are nursing him back to health slowly but surely. He went from my big squishy 18lb Garfield cat to an 11 lb skinny yellow cat.
My dad has been in the hospital for the last week with a strange infection that was eating part of his hand, not a flesh eating disease, but it's close slower moving cousin.
I had comletely given up on Jowanna since my friend said it took her 10 months to get a modification. Jowanna called me Saturday morning at 8:00 (I know. WTF?) I missed the call, and called Luis Monday to get the 411 and was told that all she did was submit an offer to the investors. I forgot about it again and just figured I'd wait another week or two to hear back. Wrong.
I got a phone call this morning at 8:30. It was Jowanna with the modification results! I could hardly get to a pen and paper fast enough. Here's the deets:
Our current loan has a payment of $3803.73 a month with a 7.5% interest rate.
Our new payment for the first 2 years will be $2445.11 with a 3% rate.
The next two years will be $2711.02 with a 4% rate.
Starting on year number 5 and from then on the interest rate will be fixed at 5% for the life of the loan and a payment of $2972.16.
And we don't have to make the first payment until June 1.
Now I forgot to ask if that included taxes and insurance. I was led to believe that it did, but I am double checking that.
I think it's a pretty good deal if it includes taxes and insurance. If not then I'm not too impressed. That would only be a drop of about $1358. If it includes taxes and insurance that's a drop of $1706 which kicks ass.
With those numbers we should be able to stay in the house which is a load off. We were not looking forward to moving at all. There aren't too many people who will rent to a family of 5 with 5 cats. We would have had to downsize (cats not kids). I'm a little scared if we still have to pay property tax out of our own pocket or if there is more to those numbers Jowanna gave me, but things look a little better now.
It's a new month I feel a little bit more setteled. I feel like we can move ahead and not keep worrying about what comes next. There will be no new fresh start and a new house in town, but we will be able to stay in the house that we know and love despite it's numerous faults.
So what does this mean for you? I will no longer be talking about my loan mod non-stop. I can branch back into the exciting topics I was discussing before. I will have a little extra fundage to start selling my rugs and maybe a little bit more time to write again and not this kind of drivel.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)