Motivation

At night when I'm snuggled into the couch watching Chelsea Lately or House Hunters I am always amazed at how little I accomplished during the day. This is when I start planning all the amazing things I am going to get done the next day. I'll write. I'll vacuum the upstairs bedrooms. I'll finish my rug. etc etc.

But then the next day comes, like now, it's 9:52 and I've already been back and forth to Perez Hilton 3 times waiting for new posts. I am inspired to do exactly nothing all day today. It's too cold in the office still to hunker down and do anything. It's way too cold in the studio to go out and work on the rugs. I'm not inspired to do anything that I was inspired to do last night at 8:00pm. Why does this constantly happen? Where does my drive go at 10:00am? I can't seem to get over this each and every single day and it is driving me crazy. I think the problem is that I want immediate results and nothing that I am working on will get cash in my pocket in the next few months and it just strips all of my motivation. I have to make myself get over that and produce small baby step results anyway but it is so hard.

I'm starting to get depressed thinking about the long 6 months ahead of wearing fleece and sweats and shoveling snow and doing nothing but getting up each morning and taking the kids to school. It's too long a run on the same old thing. I want to go to Vegas. I want to buy some new clothes. I want to be able to look forward to Christmas and ALL the cool presents we can get for the kids, but it doesn't look like any of that will be happening and it's getting me pretty blue. I just hate to be cold and so far it isn't even 30 degrees this morning. The space heater has yet to warm up my 8x8 foot office after 2 hours of being on and the wind is blowing at a steady 15-20 miles per hour.

Would things really be any better if we didn't have this huge house and the huge payment that goes along with it? Would we be happier in a warmer climate? Would be happier if Carl had time off and didn't have to be at work at 5:00 am every day? Would we be happier if I was able to sell my rugs? What is the one thing that will change our miserable situation? This is not how we wanted to live. But now that we are so deeply entreanched into it is there any way to switch things up? After you've chosen and created a life with a big mortgage and non-moveable businesses how do you change it back to when you had options and choices again? I'm stumped. I know other people are able to switch up their lives, move to a tropical location and start new lives but is that really feasible in this real estate market? Is it feasible with 3 small children?

It's almost like I need an outside pair of eyes to look in on us and tell us what we are doing wrong, how we can make it better, and what our real options for change are. I've always said that the only things I need to be happy are vacations, books and my family. We don't take vacations. I've had to stop buying books, and Carl is never home. So things look pretty bleak to me as of now. On our current path those things will continue to be missing from our lives. We could stay on this track for the next 15 years and we would both be miserable. So I need to find what will give us back some choices and options and money for vacations and books and time for Carl to spend with us, and time for him to do what it is that he WANTS to do and not the things that he HAS to do.

That has to be the motivation. Those things listed above. That is what is supposed to get me out of bed each day, work on my rugs every day and to write everyday. Those are the only things that I see in my path that could change us from this path we hate to a path that takes us in a new direction. I have to try and remember that when it is 10:00 am and all I want to do is surf the web.