Severe Anxiety Disorder and Me

If you go back and read my posts from 2007......Way Back there.... like I did today you might be like....what ever happened to THAT girl?

I was so positive, working on things, actually doing work on a book that would be freaking awesome, looking for new opportunities, and generally a completely different person.

Also it seemed like I was complaining about the same things I'm complaining about now. I hadn't discovered my rug business yet, but was so over architecture even back then.

Go now and read it. I'll wait for you.


See what I mean. Where is that girl? Where is that book proposal? She's still in me somewhere and I still have the book proposal right here on this computer hard drive. All 30 pages of it.

The problem you might ask......... I think I have officially diagnosed myself with a severe anxiety disorder. It's a combo of agorophopia, social anxiety and general anxiety. All of those added together equal a severe anxiety disorder.

I know I have issues. I've had them my whole life. I was even officially diagnosed when I was 19 and on medication and the whole thing. At that time they called it more depression with anxiety, but I would call it depression brought on by anxiety. Now it seems like it's just debilitating anxiety.

I found a book recently at the library and even though it sounds so cheesy to say so... I think I have finally found what is keeping me from getting ahead. I have been getting progressively worse and worse these last few years to the point where I seldom leave my house, stay away from any and all social situations and definitely any new situations. I have a hard time even talking on the phone without having a small panic attack. I had that huge panic attack in November just thinking about trying to get on a plane to Hawaii. It's a complete control thing. If I'm not in control of the situation then I don't want to be a part of it. The only place where I have complete control is here at home and with my home being threatened in more ways than one my only safe haven is almost being taken away from me and that is extremely scary.

I didn't realize that I had gotten so bad until I read this book that pointed it all out to me. I mean I know we are super stressed right now with all the financial issues, the roof, and the loan mod, but I am at the point when I am worrying myself to sleep at night and can't do anything to quiet my mind.

I have made my world so small and I did it all to myself on purpose. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I mean I could definitely go for a bottle of Xanax or Valium just to get me thru the waiting of the loan mod, but I can't afford it or the doctor appointment to get it prescribed.

The book gives good tips for managing the anxiety. To start with I am supposed to realize that anyone would feel stress and anxiety in this situation. The only difference between me and a 'normal' person is how I let that anxiety affect me. Next I need to learn the techniques to quiet my mind. I know those techniques. I learned them when I was 19, but they just don't seem to work anymore.

My only solution is to wait for the loan mod and then use the extra $$$ to get the help that I know that I need so that I can move past this and get back to that awesome girl that I was back in 2007. I can do it. I just have to wait a few more months and then watch out. The bitch is back.