Completely Broke

It has come to this.

After all my ranting and raving and hopes and dreams of someday making more money, we are now completely broke. It is the 1st of the month. I have been able to pay the mortgage, the little ones pre-school tuition and the credit card bills. There is now less than $30 in the bank. There are still all of the utility and insurance bills to pay and all the food and gas needed for the month for which I have no cash.

I am waiting for 2 clients to pay me $1400, but in architecture you never know when a check is going to arrive. I billed both of them the middle of last month hoping that the money would get here by now, but it hasn't.

I've got until the 15th when the rest of the bills are due to try and scrape up some cash.

The shipping business is broke this month too. All of those rental bills at $1000/month for a truck, the 2 truck payments (one for a truck that no longer runs), and the repair bill (also for the truck that no longer runs) have taken their toll on the finances and there is a grand total of $30 also in that account.

The check cashing business is running slim. My 30% take was less than usual.

It all adds up to us being broke. My only partial salvation is my property tax savings account .We pay the taxes ourselves so I have an account that I save a little in monthly so that we can pay the taxes at the end of December. I also have about $350 in the Christmas savings account. I am going to have to dip into these to pay the bills and to eat for the month. I really don't want to, but what are my choices at this point. My goal to not charge anything on the credit cards has been going well, but seems like an impossible goal at this point. Come December we are going to be short on the property taxes.

I thought that if I quit being an architect and started doing the things that I love that money would easily flow back into our lives. That's what all the career and self-help books say......find the thing that you love to do and the money will follow.

I love writing. I love blogging. I love being here for the kids when they are sick and being able to take them and pick them up from school. I love designing rugs. I love making the rugs.

But where the fuck is my money? This is getting ridiculous. I don't want to live like this. Why can't I really have it all? The time with the kids, the husband, time for myself, and the money to afford all of the above? What is the thing that I am missing that will make all the pieces fall together and click? Who do I need to talk to? Where do I need to go to file a complaint?

I've also heard that if you are desperate enough anything is possible. I don't know how I could get much more desperate. I haven't bought new underwear in a year.