Feeling Satisfied

 

So I took a couple of days off to deal with this sinus infection. I have so wanted to get back home and have time to do laundry and keep everyone’s rooms nice and neat and be able to make dinner every night that I had pretty much decided that I would quit my job and stay home after the first of the year. I thought that was what I wanted.

I don’t want to stay home every day, but I want my house to look clean and my kids to be well tended, but does that really mean I have to stay home? I want something to do and someone to do it with and that means leaving the house every day. I guess what I want is a purpose. I want a reason to be here. I am needed at the library and I am needed at home and I can do both, but does that make me happy? Shouldn’t I be doing more with my life? Who is telling me that besides me? Shouldn’t I be happy with what I’ve got? I hate to say it, but my formal education makes me feel guilty for not using it. I feel guilty because I’m not an architect. I feel guilty because I work for $10/hour in a job that technically anyone could do. I do it well, but there are much stupider people than me that could do it and do it well. They would probably be more satisfied with it. Where am I supposed to be and what am I supposed to be doing. I feel miserable some days at work when I am mindlessly covering books with contact paper. I feel miserable at home (not just because I’m sick) when I find myself surfing the internet and watching romantic movies (Broken English starring Parker Posey). That isn’t how I want to spend my days either. What is in between? Anything? Does every woman have this problem? Is it just my head? Should I be doing more to make myself more fulfilled? Do I just need to do less and read more and not feel guilty about it? Aren’t I successful if I am a great mother and a great wife? I am those things in spades so why do I want more and what do I want?

I think we all struggle with this in our lives. I do all the time and I don’t think it’s all related to my anxiety. I think it’s somewhat normal, but that doesn’t make it any easier. If I wasn’t sick I would probably be doing more at home. When you’re sick you’re supposed to sit around and watch TV and feel sad and wish that you felt better. If I was well I would be out in the garage working on my rugs or writing something more productive than this. If I was well I would be volunteering somewhere and going to the gym. I wouldn’t have a headache.

So what do I do? Do I keep working? Do I try and write more and make a living at that? Books are so important to me and I love them more than anything else I’ve ever tried. I try and impart that feeling into the kids that come into the library every day. I know that passion comes through and that is what makes me great at my job. I should take that satisfaction and use it to fuel myself towards something else. In any other library setting I wouldn’t know my patrons like I know my kids. I wouldn’t be free to order all the books and organize everything just my way. I should appreciate that and realize that I am making a difference in these kid’s lives. I make them want to read and that is a huge accomplishment regardless of how much I get paid.

Yes I want to do more, but maybe I just can’t right now. I’ve still got to graduate. I can’t let that degree make me feel guilty for doing a job that I truly love. I’m just frustrated and don’t have any big thing to look forward to. There’s Paris in May, but it still seems so far away and still just a dream until our tickets are in hand. I just need something little… a weekend away, a hike in Sedona, a dinner and movie. Or maybe just some time with me when I’m not sick.

Who knows, but it feels good to get that all out. That’s what happens when I listen to Bon Iver.