It's January and I am usally really good about making a few resolutions, but this year I'm stuck in a weird limbo that makes it hard to buckle down and guess what it is that I might want from this new year.
Things could remain the same for the most part.... we could get great loan modification, be able to stay in our house, I'll pick up a few projects here and there and we will muddle through with shipping, check cashing, rugs, and architecture. I'll work extra hard to pay off our credit cards and we'll be well on our way to being debt free with money for college, retirement, and vacations in a few years.
Or things could change drastically.... we won't get the loan modification and we'll deed the house back to the bank, move into a nice rental house for a few years, pay off all our debts a little bit faster. Then we will reconsider our options. Stay here in Flag?, throw caution to the wind and move someplace warmer?, try our hands at some new careers?, who knows.
One path seems predictable and stable, the other path seems scary and exciting.
I'm trying to visiualize what it would be like to be a "cog in the machine" as I like to call it. I want to add something to the everyday vital function of people.... a mail carrier, a teacher, a 911 operator. I don't get that feeling doing what I do now and I think it might be fun to try just once.
On the other hand I miss being an architect. I don't miss the city and the uneducated clients, but I miss the buildings and the contractors. I love the smell of lumber and drywall. I miss floorplans and trying to make the spaces fit together like puzzle pieces.
I still haven't found my place in this world other than being a wife and mother. There is something else out there that I need to do to add to society and I need to find it. My mind changes daily on what the one thing could be. I still want to write and I still want to have something to do with buildings and my rugs as well, but I'm confused.
So, this year my resolutions will be up in the air. When I look back next January there will not be anything to cross off my list and say that I have accomplished. I just need to be able to look back and see that I have done something, anything that makes me feel like I am contributing to society other than raising cool, somewhat polite children.
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