I am beyond frustrated. Why does it have to be this hard? The snow isn't helping. The children being home for the past 9 days isn't helping. My weeks are filled with doing things for other people. I guess that's fine. I am a mother and that is supposed to be my job. I'm good at that job. The only problem is that it doesn't pay a dime. I help my husband, pay the bills, shop, make lunches and dinner and breakfasts, do the laundry, shovel when I can, do the books for 2 different businesses and that is all that I do.
Every so often I get time to come here and update things and talk about what I would really like to be doing, but it just seems like a far away dream. What if I had a lot of architecture projects? What if my rug business was going strong? What if I was writing and getting published? Who would take care of the businesses? Who would take care of the kids, stay home with them when they are sick or have a week of snow days? Who would help my husband deliver packages when he is overwhelmed? Who would open the check cashing business when my parents are out of town? But what if I was busy and everyone just found someone else to help them? What if I wasn't available to help at the drop of a pin and come running to everyone's call? Would they just find another way to do it themselves? Would they resent the fact that I couldn't help?
I don't know. All I know is that I want to do something for myself and be successful at it. I want to take care of my husband and my kids and be there for them and still be able to do something that is mine. I want to have money again. It has been so long. I want to do things other than sit here and write. I want to be able to shop places other than Target, Safeway, and the used book store (which is now non-existant). I want more and I don't know how to get it from where I am at and I need help that only money seems to be able to buy.
I'm a downer today, but it gets old seeing other people succeed while I flounder. I feel like I'm trapped and can't find my way out of the life that I have created for myself. I think the first step in moving on will be getting rid of this giant house and the money pit that it seems to be for us. I'm torn. I love this house, but I'm not willing to give up on the other things that I want just in order to keep this monstrous house. Would we just be doing it for the money? Will money really make us happier if in order to get that money we have to give up the stability of owning a home? I don't know. Is it greed that keeps us here with all of our things, or will it be greed that moves us from this house back down the ladder to renting.
Arghhhh. I miss those days so long ago when we had a rent payment of $600, a cute little apartment in downtown Fullerton within walking distance of everything, 1 cute fat little baby, and the world was our oyster.
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