Writing

There are 3 things that I love........ architecture, writing, and color and pattern (my rugs).

I know I'm not cut out to be a practicing architect, but that doesn't take away my love for the built environment. If I could make a living as a real estate agent I would just so that I could tour all the houses... forget the clients, I just want the pass to look at every house that is for sale.

I love my rugs and I will pursue them as soon as I've got the $$$ to proceed. Whether it will be a side money making hobby, or a full on designer showroom eventually I have no idea, but I can't stop drawing patterns and coloring them in. I'm good at it.

Writing is the big other thing. I write this blog, I start a million little stories and I read 109 books last year. I can't imagine my life without books. I know my dream is to one day have one of my own books on my shelves, but to devote my self to it full time is a scary idea. I want to. I'm not doing anything else. Maybe this deep crack I'm in career wise is meant for me to be writing. It doesn't cost a thing. I know I can do it. It's easy for me. I just have to decide that I want to do it and step by step work at being a writer. I am a writer. I just have had nothing published....... yet. I try and let it go and yet I always come back to it eventually. If there is something that I feel I was meant to do this would be it. It's hard when you're whole life you see writers as mousy, starving, and depressed. I know that's how they are portrayed on TV and even in books, but if I were to take the one writer that I know personally she would be the exact opposite of all those characteristics listed above. She is endlessly fascinating, bright, vivacious, and seems to make a good living at writing. So why can't I get over this mental block on what a a writer is. There are so many mommy bloggers and mommy writers and though I could definitely be catagorized as one, I would never want to be just another one of those moms who writes and blogs. Maybe that's the difference. I may be a mom first and foremost, but that is not what I write about.

I get so concerned that being a mom is so all consuming for me. I rarley speak to adults other than my husband and a few of my kid's friend's parents. I spend so much time with my kids, but I've found that I rarely write about them. Everybody has kids and we all have the same stories about sicknesses and teachers, and funny things that they've said, that to write about them here or elsewhere seems a little redundant. I write about what I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing. So I guess I couldnt' really be catagorized as a "mommy blogger".

I dont' know what I will write, but I need to write. It's the one thing that will give me the time to spend with my kids, the opportunity to travel where and whenever I want, heck even the ability to live wherever I want. It requires no monetary investement and barely any tools. The only thing that it requires is time, of which I have an overabundance.

No Loan Mod Update

Waiting, waiting, waiting.....It's driving me crazy.

I'm a little crazy and anxious to begin with, but waiting to hear about our loan modification is making me even more anxious. We need to know Bof A. This bullshit of keeping us waiting 3 months, all the while making payments that are currently 60% of our income is dizzyingly stressful.

I would be fine if we knew that we were going to walk away from the house. At least there would be a plan and days to look forward too when there will be cash in our pockets. But no. That's not the way it works. We wait three-four months to find out if we get a loan modification, what the modification is and then we get a trial period of three months. Then, from what I've heard and read, we have another huge round of waiting and paperwork that not many people make it through in order to make the modification permanent.

I'm trying to stay positive. I'm reading up on all my positive thinking strrategies, but thinking good thoughts about Bank of America is really hard to do. I've still got two more weeks before I can call again to get put on the expedited list. I keep hoping it won't take that long and one of these days I'll get a huge envelope in the mail, or an express envelope from UPS. Then I can breathe easy and know what the future holds. I like to be able to plan things at laest 3-4 months out as far as finances go and this is wrecking any and all new year planning. I can't handle it. I have to be in control and know what is going on and this is throwing a wrench into my system.

Free Architecture.... Again

So I've been getting a lot of hits on my post from last year regarding Free Architecture Advice. I'm still game. I will try and respond as quickly as possible, but with all the crap going on around here. It might take a little while (sorry Melissa T.).

Now don't get too excited about what you're going to get for free. Legally there are things I can and can't give away free. Hit me with your best questions and we'll see what happens.

If it is something major like a foundation, beam, or roof issue, most likely my response is going to be call a registered architect or structural engineer in your city/state.

If it's a design issue and it doesn't involve me creating pages and pages of intricate drawings I'll throw you my best design opinion.

If you've got a question about the process of working with an architect, engineer, or your local building department, hell yeah, I'll walk you through it.

This should be fun.

I was just telling one of my out of work architect friends that with all the out of work architects we should be doing something architecture related even if we aren't getting paid for it. Of course my first option was helping to rebuild Haiti, but they aren't anywhere near rebuilding. But with all of us architects out there just chomping at the bit to do something in our field, free architecture seems the way to go.

Are we undervaluing our services? Shit yeah, but there are still people out there that need design help.

The Aftermath

The Bookstore

The Ice Rink

The Ice Rink

We are still digging out. I am hoping that there is school tomorrow or else I will go insane.

Photos courtesy of the AZ Daily Sun.

Rambling Winter Post

I am beyond frustrated. Why does it have to be this hard? The snow isn't helping. The children being home for the past 9 days isn't helping. My weeks are filled with doing things for other people. I guess that's fine. I am a mother and that is supposed to be my job. I'm good at that job. The only problem is that it doesn't pay a dime. I help my husband, pay the bills, shop, make lunches and dinner and breakfasts, do the laundry, shovel when I can, do the books for 2 different businesses and that is all that I do.

Every so often I get time to come here and update things and talk about what I would really like to be doing, but it just seems like a far away dream. What if I had a lot of architecture projects? What if my rug business was going strong? What if I was writing and getting published? Who would take care of the businesses? Who would take care of the kids, stay home with them when they are sick or have a week of snow days? Who would help my husband deliver packages when he is overwhelmed? Who would open the check cashing business when my parents are out of town?    But what if I was busy and everyone just found someone else to help them? What if I wasn't available to help at the drop of a pin and come running to everyone's call? Would they just find another way to do it themselves? Would they resent the fact that I couldn't help?

I don't know. All I know is that I want to do something for myself and be successful at it. I want to take care of my husband and my kids and be there for them and still be able to do something that is mine. I want to have money again. It has been so long. I want to do things other than sit here and write. I want to be able to shop places other than Target, Safeway, and the used book store (which is now non-existant). I want more and I don't know how to get it from where I am at and I need help that only money seems to be able to buy.

I'm a downer today, but it gets old seeing other people succeed while I flounder. I feel like I'm trapped and can't find my way out of the life that I have created for myself. I think the first step in moving on will be getting rid of this giant house and the money pit that it seems to be for us. I'm torn. I love this house, but I'm not willing to give up on the other things that I want just in order to keep this monstrous house. Would we just be doing it for the money? Will money really make us happier if in order to get that money we have to give up the stability of owning a home? I don't know. Is it greed that keeps us here with all of our things, or will it be greed that moves us from this house back down the ladder to renting.

Arghhhh. I miss those days so long ago when we had a rent payment of $600, a cute little apartment in downtown Fullerton within walking distance of everything, 1 cute fat little baby, and the world was our oyster.

Snow, Dooce on HGTV, and me

First off let me say that there is over 5' of snow in my yard and surrounding my house. FIVE FEET OF SNOW. It is ridiculous and it is dangerous and it is stifling. It's not safe for the kids to play outside. There are loaders and graders and tractors everywhere trying to move the snow..... but move it where? The piles are already over 8' high on the sides of my garage. My husband is out now on a Saturday trying to deliver packages, but the snow plows are nowhere near getting to the residential neighborhoods in town. He will be backed up all week and out delivering until 8:00 pm. It's going to be another long week. Oh and did I mention that two of my favorite places are non-existant anymore due to roof collapses...... the ice rink and Bookmans have been demolished by the weight of 5' of snow on their roofs. I doubt they will be built again due to the horrible economy.

I was also stunned to learn the Dooce, aka Heather Armstrong, just got a delvelopment deal with HGTV. What the hell is that? She's a graphic designer. How does that have anything to do with Home and Garden Television? I have no idea. I am flabbergasted. I am stunned that she able to live on her advertising revenue for a blog that,while entertaining, does not seem enough to make a living on. It is mind botteling to quote Will Farrell. I write this little blog. I like to think that I am somewhat amusing and entertaining, but how do I get to where Dooce is?

I am an architect so what do I have to do to get my own show on HGTV? My first show pitch would be called, "Your Neighbor's House". It would have all the voyeurism of House Hunters, only it would just be ordinary people who sent in pictures of amazing houses in their neighborhood that they have always wanted to see the inside of. Is it the giant mansion on the lake?, the crazy haunted looking house on the corner, or the reclusive author who lives on the hill?. We all have houses in our own neighborhoods that we wonder about, and this show would be a chance to peek inside them. I would be the host of course and maybe it would even document the phone call or meeting of HGTV asking the unsuspecting homowners if the cameras and the neighbor could come in for a look around.

Heather Armstrong...... I love her blog, but HGTV? That seems a bit of a stretch. Call me HGTV and the above mentioned show can be yours.

But What About the Rugs?

I know, I know....what happened to my rugs. I have a ton of excuses. The holidays, the roof, the loan mod, the snow days........ but what it really comes down to is money.

I want to do the rest of my rug stuuf credit card free. It is really putting a damper on moving things forward. I was using my architecture income to pay for everything and now that I have no architecture income I'm at a standstill.

By my estimation I need around $5000 to get it off the ground, to pay for some nice brochures and get my samples made in Nepal. Until that time I am sitting and waiting.

I did however talk to a guy in town who said he would be more than happy to carry my rugs in his store if I can bring him the above mentioned brochures and samples.

I'm close, but not so close that I can actually touch it yet. It's frustrating. I will get there, but it will take time, money, and patience.

In the meantime this is what I've got on the rack right now.

Arizona Snow

Too much snow.

The calm between the storms.

Trying to build a fort, but it's too bright.

This is what it looks like at my house. I'm betting there will be no school all week. So far everyday this week around 3:00 the dark clouds roll in and it starts to snow. We wake up in the morning to another 8-12 inches. It's just enough to have to shovel out again each and every morning. I guess it's better than getting 4' without a break. As I sit at my desk now I can seet he clouds coming in from the west. The worst storm is supposed to start tomorrow.

 The kids are restless. They want to play outside, but it is so cold and wet that I can't let them play more than an hour or so or they are soaked to the bone.

The onlt good thing to come out of the snow storms is that I have had more than enough time to get through almost all of The Lord of the Rings trilogy. I don't know how I would have found the time otherwise.

Chris Isaak European Tour

I just got an e-mail saying that Chris Isaak will be touring Europe this summer.

Big sigh.

That is what I should be doing this summer..... flying to Paris to see Chris Isaak and the guys. Maybe even following them to Nice or maybe Rome.  That's the life I want to lead. I'm just not sure how to get there from the path that I'm on now.

Loan Mod, B of A, and Fridge

Updates Updates Updates

1. I called B of A this morning to try and find out where our loan modification is at. I applied Wednesday December 9th. At that time I was told it could take UP TO 45 days to receive word back from them. When I called this am the woman told me she could do nothing for me since it had not been 45 business days. It has been only 28 business days. According to my calculations I can call back again on the 11th of February if I have not heard anything. At that point in time I am supposed to call back in to the bank and I will be put on the expedited list.

Now when I first called I was under the impression that we would be done with this process in 45 days and now I'm told the 45 days is something like a holding bin where all good homeowners are told to continue making payments or else you will not be able to get a loan modification. Then after the 45 days you move into another 'expedited' holding bin. I'm not sure, the woman wouldn't tell me what happens or what the time frame is after the 45 days. It could take another 6 months to finalize a loan modification. No wonder so many people are just walking away. This process is ridiculous. It shouldn't be that hard to look at my bank statements, take my payments down to 33% of my income and write up a new contract. If it is that hard then I suggest that Bank of America and all other banks hire a few extra people with their bailout money to process these applications. It would be money well spent.

Also this is a juicy little tidbit. There is no direct phone number to the loan modification department. I asked and they couldn't give me one. You have to call the general customer service, wait for five minutes to talk to someone who will then transfer you to the MHA department where you will wait another 5-10 minutes waiting to talk to someone. Very shady if you ask me. If I've filled out the application and I'm in the middle of the process the very least they could do is give me a direct line to that department. I suppose it's like that to deter people from calling. What B of A doesn't know is that I've got nothing but time and I'll ride their asses to the very end of this process.

2. The roof. We got our first check for the roof last Thursday. There is now a pile of pallets and shingles in front driveway. The only problem is that currently they are covered by a foot of snow and by Friday they should be covered with 3-4 feet of snow. It's putting a real glitch in actually getting guys on the roof. Till next week on that one.

3. I'm not in the mood to update Fridge. Writing all the bull crap above has made me cranky. It's a snow day and there are 5 children running around wild in my house and I don't think I can leave them unsupervised much longer.

Fridge

This is Fridge. The one in front looking at the camera, snuggled up on top of his dear brother Rupert.

Today I came home from taking the boys to school and going to the gym to find a trail of blood all over the house. Upstairs, downstairs, on the stairs, everywhere. It looked like one of the kids had had a bloody nose, but after searching around and finding all the cats, I found Fridge hiding in my office under the chair with a huge bloody mess around his neck. It was too much even for me to invstigate and I immediately called the vet who were able to see him right away.

After shaving away all the hair on his neck it was discovered that something had full on open jaw bitten him on either side of his neck. He'll be at the vet all day for clean up, draining, and stitches.

It's fine, he's a cat. These things happen. But what I can't wrap my head around is who did it. To my knowledge he hasn't been out of the house for days. Sunday was the last time we let anyone out. I would be fine with a neighborhood cat getting into a scrape with him, or even if a mountain lion or a rough dog got a hold of him, but it is looking more and more like it was either his own brother, my beloved Rupert, or our other cat, affectionately called Baby Kitty.

This hurts my brain. They play, they sleep together, they eat together. They are old, like 6 years, and they don't fight that hard, or they shouldn't. I've seen them bat at each other, but only in a playful way. I just can't imagine one of them hurting the other this badly. It just seems impossible. I was home all day yesterday and the day before. I think I would have remembered a scuffle that big.

I'm a big cat person, but I'm not a pet person who coddles and nurses pets like children. They are animals, not people. But for right now, since I know Fridge is going to be okay, I am more upset at the thought of them hurting each other than anything else. Fridge is a sweet guy, not the brightest, and he keeps to himself and runs if there is any danger, loud noise or threat. I just can't imagine him provoking an attack of this kind. I may be humanizing them here and that is where I apologize. I don't usually do this, but brothers don't bite their brothers.

Watch out for your Sweater Puppies

So yesterday I'm at the gym and I am blindsided at the top of the stairs by a poor girl who is desperately in need of a good sports bra, and not the kind that you buy at Target, but this kind as shown above, a $70, no bounce, bullet proof sports bra.

This girl was maybe 25, about 30 pounds over weight, thick, but not obese, and she had some good sized jugs that looked like they were about to fly off her torso she was bouncing so badly. My jaw dropped. That is not how you treat your girls at all. It was painful to watch. She was jogging at a decent pace, but looked like a newbie to the sport. I mean she would have to be. No serious runner or jogger would let her boobs flap around like that.

I was distracted the whole time I was on the treadmill. I desperately wanted to stop her and say,

"Look I've got big boobs too and you are wrecking yours not to mention the fact that it's almost pronographic to watch you run. You need to go out and get yourself a good bra. Try Athleta, the 4 barbell bras for high impact workouts. It will be easier to run, your back won't hurt afterward, and your boobs won't be down to your knees in 5 years."

I kept practicing over and over in my head how I was goign to say it too her while I was walking. I kept hoping one of the physical therapists that own the gym was going to come out and say something to her. That's their job, right?

In the end I couldn't do it. I chickened out. My fear of being kicked out of the gym for harrasing another gym member was too overwhelming. Is there even a polite way to say that to someone else without hurting their feelings. It's almost a Dear Abby moment.

I know when I was young and had big boobs no one pulled me aside and told me that big girls can't buy bras at Target. You have to buy the expensive ones. It would have been nice to know that when I was younger. So maybe I would be doing her a favor. She might not appreciate it right away, but over time she would see the error of her ways and realize that I was only trying to help her.

Anyway I walked away and it is still bothering me. Someone has to do something to help this poor girl. If I see her again maybe I'll get up the courage or maybe just leave an Athleta catalog lying around the locker room.

Roof vs. Bank of America

Still we have no check from B of A. I called again today and was told that someone has approved a disbursement, and if it makes it to someone else's desk by this afternoon they might cut a check tomorrow, and then on Monday they might put it in the mail, so by next Friday we might, MIGHT, have a check, so maybe we will be able to start repairs on Monday the 18th.

How in any way shape or form does this protect Bank fo America's investment in my home?

I have been without a roof now for over a month while they dick around with my money. Luckily there have only been 2 snowstorms and freeze thaw cycles on my unprotected roof. I may be a little bit niave on this, but beaurocracy seems a little redundant.

I was watching Office Space the other night and this is how I imagine the vast corridors of Bank of America. They pay a crapload of people way too much money to stamp a form, send the form to Atlanta, where it is again stamped, and then signed by someone else with a large paycheck, all of whom don't give a rat's ass that my house is without a roof. As long as they have a job that does nothing and provides nothing to society.

Why can't you just trust that I am indeed going to put a roof back on my house? Am I going to leave my fancy $680,000 house without a roof? Am I going to runaway to Europe or Costa Rica and live the rest of my life in luxury on my $20,000 insurance money? Come on? Who does that? Really? Is it the people who legitimately lose their roofs in a wind storm/blizzard? I don't think so.

This part of the process is fun, but just wait until we have to call a week in advance for an inspection by a Bank of America inspector and then start the process all over again to get a 2nd check that will probably take just as long.

I am just beside myself in frustration and sick to death of banks.

I have figured out that unless you pay cash for your home and own it outright you don't really own your house at all, the bank does. You're just babysitting their investment, not yours.

When we get out of this mess, both the roof repairs and the Loan Modification, I am going to work my ass off to get out from under every single bank that has a hold on us. Credit cards will never be used again, cars will be paid for in cash, and so will our house in Mexico/France when we retire.

We will move to our very own cash only bank..... that's right our check cashing business. All cash all the time, and the banks can just suck it. I hope they all go under.

Bon Iver

This is Bon Iver, aka Justin Vernon.

He can make me cry.

He can make me think of things I haven't thought of in years and make me break down in tears thinking of things from 10 years ago.

His music is that powerful.

I didn't like it at first. We got this album last summer and it's just not summer music. He had a track on the New Moon soundtrack and it made me listen to it again. Some song came on in the middle of a dark snowy afternoon and it all just clicked together. This is winter time music, new year music, reflective music, philisophical music. Now I can't stop listening to it and I wish we had more than 10 tracks from him.

I haven't read his full bio, but this guy seems to have a deep soul. I think he recorded this album in the middle of a lengthy self imposed exile in the woods of Wisconsin. I think that is why it speaks to me so deelpy here in my lengthy self imposed exile deep in the mountains of Arizona.

Yesterday night while baking cookies and listening to his album I came to the very earth shattering conclusion that the reason why I have a hard time being an architect, getting my rugs off the ground, the reason why I don't understand how any woman can be a good mother and work full time is that...  for me it is just not possible. It is just all that I can handle to take care of this big house, my three kids, and attempt to be a supporting wife. If I take on too much more I will slip right over the edge of sanity and I live way too close to that edge now. Maybe other women are better equipped to deal with a professional life, maybe they have better behaved children, maybe their husbands are home more to help out, maybe they can afford to hire help.

But for me this is all  I can handle and most days I have a hard time keeping it all together. And that is okay.

That's the earth shattering part.......it's okay. I don't have to do everything. If this is all I can do right now, that is okay.

Sorry to be so deep, but I fully blame it on Bon Iver, the snow, and lack of any good shows on TV to keep my mind occupied.

Considering my Options

It's January and I am usally really good about making a few resolutions, but this year I'm stuck in a weird limbo that makes it hard to buckle down and guess what it is that I might want from this new year.

Things could remain the same for the most part.... we could get  great loan modification, be able to stay in our house, I'll pick up a few projects here and there and we will muddle through with shipping, check cashing, rugs, and architecture. I'll work extra hard to pay off our credit cards and we'll be well on our way to being debt free with money for college, retirement, and vacations in a few years.

Or things could change drastically.... we won't get the loan modification and we'll deed the house back to the bank, move into a nice rental house for a few years, pay off all our debts a little bit faster. Then we will reconsider our options. Stay here in Flag?, throw caution to the wind and move someplace warmer?, try our hands at some new careers?, who knows.

One path seems predictable and stable, the other path seems scary and exciting.

I'm trying to visiualize what it would be like to be a "cog in the machine" as I like to call it. I want to add something to the everyday vital function of people.... a mail carrier, a teacher, a 911 operator. I don't get that feeling doing what I do now and I think it might be fun to try just once.

On the other hand I miss being an architect. I don't miss the city and the uneducated clients, but I miss the buildings and the contractors. I love the smell of lumber and drywall. I miss floorplans and trying to make the spaces fit together like puzzle pieces.

I still haven't found my place in this world other than being a wife and mother. There is something else out there that I need to do to add to society and I need to find it. My mind changes daily on what the one thing could be. I still want to write and I still want to have something to do with buildings and my rugs as well, but I'm confused.

So, this year my resolutions will be up in the air. When I look back next January there will not be anything to cross off my list and say that I have accomplished. I just need to be able to look back and see that I have done something, anything that makes me feel like I am contributing to society other than raising cool, somewhat polite children.